I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“It was expected of her.”
His meaning was lost on me.
“Sometimes what folks allow you to see isn’t an accurate reflection of who theyreallyare.” He leaned back in his chair. “Jules gives off an impression of being tough, hardened. But, as I’ve gotten to know my wife, I’ve learned she is a very deep feeler. Has mounds of compassion and empathy. But I think it’s taken a lot of rewiring for her to accept that’s who she truly is. Because her whole life she was asked to be something else. I would guess the same’s been asked of you.”
“What do you mean by ‘asked?’”
“Your upbringing. Your parents.” He lifted a shoulder. “I think a child’s experience has a lot to do with how they function as adults.”
“So you’re saying you think my dad asked Jules to be tough.”
Pat raised his eyebrows. “Didn’t he?”
I thought about that for a moment. It was a simple question—something I never considered. Did Dad ask that of us?
Then I remembered the day we brought my mom home. That was a horrible day I hadn’t thought about in a long time.
“Yeah.” I nodded slowly. “I say you’re probably right.”
Pat cycled back to the topic. “So, I think the guilt she felt surrounding Cameron’s death really complicated the grief process for her. And complex grief is one heck of a demon. She and I share that in common. Sunny, too.” He glanced at me. “And maybe you.”
A few things he said struck me. I silently mulled them over. I didn’t really thinkIwas grieving. Sure, I probably should’ve let myself grieve Mom more, Cameron more, the babies more.
He lifted his hat off his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “So why we talking about grief? Miranda grieving or something?”
“Yeah.” My lungs felt stuffed. “She had been our entire marriage, and I did nothing.”
“Grieving what exactly?”
“The family we couldn’t have.”
“Oh. Infertility?”
“No. We got pregnant easily enough. She couldn’t carry them.”
“Ah, that sucks.”
“We lost seven.”
“Seven?” His eyes went wide. “Does Jules know that?”
“No. We got married quickly because of our first. We had plans to make it known after the wedding, but—Miranda lost the baby the day we got home from our honeymoon.”
“Ah, Jack. I’m sorry.”
“After that, we kept the pregnancies under wraps to see how they were going to turn out first before announcing. Maybe that was the wrong choice.”
“Man, that’s—that’s a lot.”
“I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me, but I couldn’t do for her what you did for Jules.” Shame crept in. “The sound of her crying was…I’m a coward, I guess.”
He nodded.
“I left her alone. I told her the department was short-staffed which wasn’t even true. I devised ways to be out of the house.” I shook my head, so embarrassed to admit this. “I’d rather be anywhere but home, hearing her cry, watching her heart break and feeling helpless to do anything.
“I don’t want to get divorced again. I love Miranda—haven’t ever stopped. But now, she doesn’t want anything to do with me. She said I walk away when things get hard. And she’s right. I do. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how to fix that about myself.”
