Forms of torture. Every one of them.
I wasn’t trying to convince Jack. I was trying to convince myself. Pushing the words out past trembling lips would be the easy part. Letting Jack and Kacey bond without me while I piddled around would be…I hated the thought.
But it was the least I could do for Jack.
The very least.
“Will Kacey be okay away from you?”
“He’d get in the car with the Joker if he said they were going for ice cream.”
Jack’s lips split in a soft laugh. “We might have to work on that.”
“For sure. His situational awareness isn’t too great.” My next thought was bittersweet. I kept talking, which is typically a bad idea. “Thankfully, his dad is stellar in that area. I haven’tbeen too great at teaching him how to interact with people and his surroundings. We never went anywhere anyway.”
Jack’s gaze locked with mine. For a few delicious moments, I allowed myself to read Jack’s eyes. From the outside looking in, a lot of people saw a big guy who was firm, strong, unrattled. But I knew Jack. Saw a lot of things others didn’t see.
He felt deeply. He just didn’t like to admit it. Especially to himself. And right then, I was seeing a host of things.
Regret, sadness, longing, excitement.
I pulled my eyes away, knowing Jack could read me just as easily. “He’s a great kid. You’re going to have a nice time.”
I felt his gaze on me as I smoothed the blanket over my lap, trying to find something for my hands to do.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“Totally.” I swallowed the stupid emotion forming in my throat. “I need to get past this. It’s not like we will all be together forever. He’s going to have to get used to the back and forth, eventually.”
“Does he?”
My eyes flew back to his face.
Please don’t do this.
His voice was gentle like he was concerned I was skittish. “He wouldn’t if we…if we stayed married.”
“Jack.”
“We can both be there. And he wouldn’t have to bounce around.”
“I want that stability for Kacey, too, but he needs to see his parents happy. That means we need to move forward with our lives. We can’t stay like this forever.”
“You aren’t happy here?”
I picked at a fuzzy on the blanket. I didn’t want to look in his eyes and see the sincerity I heard in his tone. Or see the things he wasn’t saying. “Yes, I am, but I mean relationally. Idon’t think him growing up with parents who are housemates is in his best interest.” Even though it pained me to say it, I spoke the honest truth. My true desire for Jack. But my voice shook while I did. “You should go on to find a woman who can be a fresh start. Who will be crazy about you. Someone who can give you more beautiful children so Kacey can have a brother or sister.” A tear leaked out. “Because I think”—I pushed the sob back in—“I think he’d really like that.”
Jack said nothing. The hum of the fan above us was the only noise. He scrubbed a hand up the side of his jaw. “You don’t think we can have those things?”
“Kacey was a miracle, Jack.”
“What about the surgery? After we sell the lake house, we can pay for it.”
“And what then?” I finally looked at him, not caring about my wet cheeks. Not caring what I would find in his eyes. I needed to quell this quickly. “We’d have a child and be…Jack, we can’t…”
He squinted.
Of course Jack wouldn’t see. He never had.
