Sleep was difficult, but not because of the painful memories this time. I was thinking of my family.
Julia and Sunny.
My family in my home. The desire for them was so intense I ached. My arms ached to hold them close. My heart ached to be their safe place.
It would happen in time.
FORTY-FOUR
Julia
Iwas nervous going into the visitation room. It sounded like Sunny and Pat had hit it off. What if I became a weak link in their bond? I’d shared my concern with Pat, and he told me it was crazy talk. “Sunny will have a million reasons to love you,” he’d said. I hoped he was right.
He held a few gifts, and I held a small tray of cupcakes. It was only two weeks from her fourteenth birthday.
Pat was already grinning, walking down the hallway. He walked with a bounce in his step as he greeted a few people in the hall. Man, if the judge didn’t see what was so plain to see…
I couldn’t even let my heart entertain the thought.
Pat was committed to being there for Sunny, one-hundred percent undeterred by her health needs, illnesses, or emotional scars. We’d talked about it many times. His conclusion was always, “Whatever the issue, we will find a way.”
Pat opened the door and breezed into the space like he owned the place. Sunny got up to hug him. When Pat drew back, I got a good view of her face. She had white creamy skin covered with freckles and curly red flowing hair.
I bit back awow.She did look like her mom. So much so, I could see how that would be all Pat saw. But I saw him, too. She shared several of his most endearing features. The left dimple, round cheeks, and thin lips. And of course her eyes. Deep, round, and hazel. Just like Pat’s.
Pat turned toward me, eyes sparkling. “Sunny, meet my girlfriend Julia. Everyone calls her Jules.”
I shifted the cupcakes into my left arm and shook her thin hand. “Sunny, it’s so nice to meet you. You’re all Pat talks about.”
She blushed. “He’s said a few things about you, too.”
Sunny was delightful. Unimposing and quiet very much like her dad. But when she spoke she knew exactly what she wanted to say. I was entranced as Pat and her talked through some children’s book series he’d been reading about demigods and Greek mythology.
He was coming alive. Fully in his element with her.
Sunny and I talked a little, but the two of them easily kept the conversation going without me.
I knew it was silly, but I felt like an outsider. Like I was trampling on Pat and Gracie’s sacred ground.
I tried to push the thought away, but it nagged at me.
Also, Pat was reminding me of Cameron, which surprised me. Cam had the most gentle way with kids—an ability to connect with them on any level. They loved him so naturally. Actually, everyone loved Cam without having to try.
Pat was the same way. Lovable to a fault. So easy to get along with.
Maybe it was because he’d dropped the last bits of self-preservation a long time ago. He had fully embraced his reality and accepted himself and his past for what it was. Stopped trying to impress anyone or change anything.
Man, that made me jealous. I wanted to be that free.
Pat and I were so different that I wondered what he even saw in me. I ran, he stayed loyal. I blocked out the past, he talked about his like common knowledge—even cracked jokes about prison. I built up walls, he tore them down.
He’d bulked up in the last few months. His shoulders were broader, and the navy blue sweater he wore stretched across his chest. His hair was long again, exaggerating his hat hair. He’d pulled his beanie off when we came inside, so the strands were matted at the front and flipped out around the edges. His jeans hugged his strong thighs, and his laugh occasionally dotted the conversation.
He was handsome, had good morals, and loved people like few men do. He could have any womanhe wanted. Why was he still with me?
When he told me he loved me, I melted. I loved him, too. More than I could begin to describe. But every time I was with Pat, a constant, nagging voice told me we weren’t going to work in the long run. Told me he would be better off with someone else. Told me no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t be deserving of him. I didn’t want to listen to the voice, but I did. The voice kept me up at night, set me pacing around the apartment, and made me think of Cameron.
Also made me want a drink.
