“It’s March. There aren’t any flowers.”
“Sit.”
“No, let’s keep—”
She raised her voice. “Sit!”
“Fine.” I plopped down on a rock while she sipped out of her Camelbak straw.
Once she was satisfied, she put her hands on her hips. “I’m starting to wish I didn’t invite you out here!”
“Uhm, okay…”
“You’ve been acting weird for weeks.” She shook her head. “That breakup story you told me about Pat? I’m starting not to believe it.”
“What? I—”
“Stop talking. I’m not done.”
I stopped, rolled my eyes.
“You said you parted peacefully, but you’re losing weight and drinking again. The circles under your eyes are wow—lookinghorrible. You’re mean as a snake every single time I’m around you. You’re wasting away! You seemed a lot better there for a while, but you took a few gigantic steps backward.”
I scoffed, offense welling up in my gut.
“You can be mad at me if you want, but I’ve been your friend for a long time. You’ll get over it.”
“I’m fine!”
“No, you aren’t fine, Jules. Every time I’ve seen you in the last month, you’ve been pushing the borderline on drunk or stupidagain. Like you’re trying to get yourself killedagain.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Stop being defensive! Talk to me, honey.”
“There’s nothing to say.”
“Okay, then confirm this.” She crossed her arms. “Did your relationship with Pat end the way you said it did?”
I hesitated a beat, which was a mistake.
She threw her hands up. “Iknewit! What happened?”
“Nothing.” My defenses were as high as Mount Le Conte. I was not going to talk about this. “Can we finish the stupid hike?”
“Sure. But when we get back, I’m getting in my car and going home. If you are going to keep up the charade and keep being a jerk, then I’m done.”
Her words stung. So did my eyes. Why did everyone hate me so much?
No one hates me as much as I hate me.
I thought of Pat and my stomach bottomed out. What I did to Cameron haunted me every night. And now what I did to Pat haunted me too. It was why the bags under my eyes were so bad. The two men in my life who I loved so much, I hurt so deeply. I was fundamentally broken. I didn’t deserve either of them.
Pat was better off without me. I loved him too much to be with him. If he hadn’t already realized it was for the best, he would eventually. We would both get used to the idea.
My heart hurt so bad I wanted to collapse. Instead, I turned on my heel and leaned into the wind, resuming my brisk pace.
Focus on your peak.
