“I remember.”
“I didn’t keep my word. I let you down.”
“No—”I began, but she stopped me again.
“Yes, I did. I was too quick to judge. It was all my fault.”
“I don’t care about that.”
“But you might. As time passes, you might think back on this and realise I didn’t trust you when you needed me to trust you the most. I should have known you would never go behind my back with anyone else.”Her voice broke when shesaid,“I’m sorry I let you down. If I’m guilty of anything, it’s that.”
Fuck, I felt useless. What good was I to Cal so far away when she needed me there?“Don’t ever say you’re sorry. It was never your fault. You were hurt,”I told her; hoping it would make her feel a little better. Then I added,“Can I ask you something? Since we’re being honest.”
“You can ask me anything.”Her voice cracked a little.
I took a breath, then slowly let it go before I asked,“The guy you were with when you fainted.”
“Eddie?”she questioned.
“Yeah, him. Do I have anything to worry about?”
“Are you asking me if he’s more than a friend? Because he isn’t. Nothing is going with him, I promise.”
“Okay then, we’ll park that one there.”
“Are you sure?”There was worry in her voice then. “There’s nothing more you want to ask?”
“Nothing, Cal.”
“Okay Ash, if you’re sure, then I’m going to give you my speech now.”
“You mean, you haven’t already?”I thought we were over the worst, but she had more to say.
“No, the thing is—and I’ve given this a lot of thought—but I don’t expect you to take me back just because I’m pregnant. All this baby stuff is probably difficult for you to take in.”
She paused for a moment then said,“I love you enough to let you go—if that’s what you want. I never meant to hurt you or ruin your future. It doesn’t seem right to burden you with a baby at this point in your career. I expect nothing from you. This is up to me to sort out. We can talk through the details if you want to be involved in the baby’s life. I’ll never stop you from seeing our son or daughter if you decide you want to.But I grew up with a parent who didn’t want me, so I will not put our child through the same painful experience. If you decide not to be a part of our child’s life, I understand, and I’ll give them enough love from the both of us, but you have to decide from the start and stick to it.”
I could tell she was crying from the tremble in her voice.
“I also don’t expect you to make this decision now. I know you probably need some time.”
“Have you finished yet?”I asked; controlling the tone of my voice so she couldn’t tell how her words had sucker-punched me in the heart.
“Yeah, I’m finished. Well, that’s as far as I got with the mirror.”
“Thank fuck for that,” I said, meaning it.“How can you even think I wouldn’t want to be part of our kid’s life or even your life? Jesus Cal,you’ve got to know how much I’m in love with you. There is nothing I want more than for you and me to get through this. I hate not sharing my world with you—I want that back; I want you back.”
Is it weird to say, I heard the relief in her voice?
“If we do this,”she said, her voice still trembling, “and you decide to stay with me, I’ll never doubt you again, Ash. Never.”
“There’s no decision to make. I never left you, Cal. You’re buried way deep in my heart; you always have been. And now you’re having my baby, life couldn’t be more perfect.”
It was the first of a whole heap of conversations between us. So why now—when I’m on the verge of seeing her again for the first time in months—am I nervous as fuck?
Gentle slow footsteps approach the door while my heart leaps at the prospect of seeing her after all this time. It’s been too long.
The door slowly draws back, and I wait for her beautiful blues to meet mine, but I’m disappointed. Although her eyes are familiar, they’re also confused and don’t belong to the one person I’m looking for.
