Kit steps down into the tub first and moves over to the far side so I can follow him in. As soon as he’s settled, I climb in directly opposite him, as far away from temptation as I can get.
We sit quietly for a few moments, both luxuriating in the feel of the hot bubbling water on our skin, which is intense after the cool pool.
‘How are you doing now, Dash?’ he asks me, raising a quizzical eyebrow.
I can’t help but smile at his friendly concern.
‘Ah, you know. I’m trying to stay positive, in amongst all this luxury.’
He smiles back at me. ‘Yeah. It’s the only way to be. Life moves fast and there’s no point in clinging on to something you have no power to change. It’ll only slow you down.’
‘Are you trying to tell me not to have any regrets?’
‘I guess so, yeah.’
‘If only it werethateasy to trick my brain into believing everything’s okay.’
‘We can only try.’
‘Yeah. We can,’ I agree.
Kit leans back against the side of the tub and stretches his arms out in front of him. ‘So in the spirit of positive thinking, what are you looking for in your next partner?’ he asks me, swishing his hands through the water in front of him.
I clear my throat and sit up straighter, energised by his question. This is something I’ve put a lot of thought into over the last few days in an attempt to keep myself from totally falling apart.
I’m determined to think about this as an opportunity for change, just as Sadie suggested, instead of the loss of everything I once knew.
‘Someone who’s honest and respectful,’ I say, propping my head against the padded headrest behind me and looking up at the night sky. ‘Who looks out for people, but does it subtly and doesn’t look for recognition and gratitude all the bloody time. Adrian was a bit of a pain in the arse like that. I always felt like he was stepping up so he could prove how manly he was, so people would give him the credit he thought he deserved. I’d like to be with someone who’s humble, but intrinsically knows his own worth and spends his time meaningfully. He’s got to be self-assured, but also be able to let other people take the lead and be in control. And he’ll support me and do his share of the hard, boring and icky things that need to be done, but he won’t bitch about it, just get on with it. So I guess I want him to have integrity and show up consistently, even when things are hard. And he should push himself to be the best person he can be. But most of all, I want to be with someone who’s kind. That’s really important to me.’
He’s staring at me like I’ve just blown his mind.
‘Jesus. You don’t want much, do you?’ he jokes, but there’s a definite undertone of incredulity in his tone.
‘Good job I’m not asking it of you then,’ I shoot back.
There’s a heavy silence where we blink at each other.
Dammit. I shouldn’t have said that. It was way past the point of being an okay thing to say, in fact.
‘Look, sorry. I – err, I think I’m a bit too emotionally messed up for this kind of conversation. I didn’t mean to take it in that direction. I’m still really upset about what Adrian did to me and you’re getting the brunt of my frustration instead of him.’ I hold up my hands, the water running down them in rivulets. ‘I apologise. I’m normally better than I used to be at not being so blunt with people, but I guess I’m not masking it so well with you tonight.’ I screw up my nose in an expression of regret. ‘You should take it as a compliment. It means I’m comfortable enough with you to show you the real me.’
Kit frowns. ‘It sounds like you have some serious anger issues to deal with,’ he says, his voice loaded with what feels like judgement.
Irritation flashes through me, turning my face hot. ‘Can you blame me? I was literally jilted at the alter on the day of my wedding. It doesn’t get much more humiliating than that. And I can’t take it out on the person who I’m really angry with because he’s not here. He’s off being happy, fucking someone else.’
‘Yeah, I get that, but I’m not here to be your emotional punch bag, Dasher. I want to have a good time and forget about my own shit. Because believe it or not I have issues to deal with too.’
Shame floods through me. He’s right; I’m being a selfish bitch, harping on about my woes when he’s been kind enough to invite me here to hang out with him. I guess I’ve been thinking about him like he used to be, back in our uni days, when he seemed so carefree and unencumbered by any kind of angst. But he’s had his fair share of emotional upset too recently.
‘Sorry,’ I say, ‘I shouldn’t be taking it out on you, it’s totally unfair of me to do that.’
‘Thanks for the apology.’
‘You’re welcome.’
There’s another loaded pause where we both adjust our seating position and pretend to be fascinated by the movement of the water in front of us.
‘Perhaps you could find another way to channel your anger?’ Kit says after a few moments of quiet.
