“Sam is everything I ever hoped he would be and more. And sometimes that scares me.”
“What scares you about it?” Talia’s voice is soft as she leans back in her seat.
“What if he doesn’t feel the same way I do?” My knee involuntarily starts bouncing under the table, and I chew on my bottom lip.
“That’s always the scariest part about falling in love.” Liv looks at Talia as she speaks. “Jumping—knowing it will either break you or somehow make you whole.” Talia smiles at Liv and dips her head in embarrassment. Liv turns her attention back to me. “But the turmoil leading to the jump? It’s the worst kind of torture.”
Liv raises Talia’s hand and kisses the back. “You have to decide, Kat. Either you embrace the fear and jump, knowing the possibility is huge, or you continue living in fear, knowing greatness will never come to fruition.”
“Sounds so poetic when you put it like that.”
Talia’s the one who responds, “Love is poetic. In the best and worst of ways.”
I think about what they both said while we look over the menu and the server takes our orders. I’m still thinking about whether I’m brave enough to jump off the cliff while we eat and when we return to the condo.
I know how it feels to love Sam and watch him choose someone else.
I know what it feels like to love Sam and lose him. And that was all before I ever actually had him.
Now? I’m not sure I could survive the jump.
***
I’m lying in my old bed when I finally call Sam.
“Hey, beautiful, how was your day?” He sounds happy, and I detect the slight slurring of his words.
“Too much shopping.” I chuckle. “But I had a good day. How about you?”
“It was great. We mostly played poker and drank all day.”
“Just how much drinking did you do, Sammy?” I try to keep my tone teasing.
“Just enough to still remember my name,” he laughs at his own joke.
I’m worried about him. “Are you home?” I sit up in bed unable to lie down until I know he's safe.
“Yeah, I ordered a ride. I’ll have to go pick up my bike tomorrow morning. The problem is, you aren’t here, and all I want to do is snuggle up to you so I can smell your lavender hair.”
“Lavender hair?”Oh my God, drunk Sam is excellent.
“Yeah, my love. Your hair smells like lavender. I really like it.”
I try to hold back my giggle. “What else do you want to do?” I just want to know what he’ll say in his drunken state.
“I want to soak my cock with your pussy. I want to taste myself on your lips. I want to fuck you so hard you can’t walk tomorrow.” His voice, still drunk, goes husky with desire.
I want all those things, too. But my conversation with Liv and Talia comes rushing back, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I want to jump, but what if Sam doesn’t want the same thing?
“Kat? You still there?”
Realizing I haven’t said anything for long enough, Sam must think the call dropped, so I quickly say, “All of that sounds great, Sam.”
“Kat? What’s wrong?” He suddenly sounds sober.
Trying to recover so he doesn’t detect my insecurities, I quickly respond, “Nothing. I miss you, is all.”
“I miss you, too.” He doesn’t sound convinced.
