“God, I was so angry that Kevin stood you up. But at the same time, I was glad about it. It gave me the chance to step in and show you how I felt. After the dance, we got back to your house, and I was talking to Ethan about it. It was one of the worst fights we’ve had—but ultimately, I agreed I would back off.”
“But you didn’t back off, Sam!” I hurl the words at him, my voice rising.
He grimaces. “I started suspecting how you felt about me, and so many times, I wanted to tell you I felt the same. I should have stayed away from you, but I couldn’t. I also couldn’t break my promise to Ethan. Watching you date Kevin was, well, it was hard for me. I hated him. Especially after he broke up with you, I hated that he had you and let you go.” He glances at me quickly before returning his eyes to the road.
I look over at his hands gripping the steering wheel. It’s one of the first times we’ve been in a car together since we started talking again that he hasn’t been holding my hand. The thought makes me want to reach out to him, but this isn’t a conversation I want to have while touching him. I need that small amount of distance so I can get all of this out.
“I thought you had feelings for me,” I say quietly. “I could never figure out why you seemed to be holding back. Then you started dating Claire, and I never thought it was serious enough with her to make you want to get engaged.”
“It was a rash decision on my part. I think I was trying to force something with her that just wasn’t there. After you rushed off, I decided my promise to Ethan wasn’t worth losing you. I had planned to tell you how I felt, but I couldn’t do it over text, and you wouldn’t talk to me. I knew I’d messed things up with you. I had to keep trying, I couldn’t lose you. Even though I ultimately did lose you.”
I watch Sam drag his hand through his hair and watch the strands fall back into place, only slightly messy.
“If I’m being honest, I’m not sure that I would have broken things off with Claire, even if you knew how I felt.”
“Because of Ethan,” I sigh and look out the window.
“Because of Ethan,” he repeats. We’re both silent for what seems like an eternity.
I drink more of my coffee and watch him raise his to-go cup to his lips. I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought about those perfect lips, plump in all the right places, so kissable. I bite my lip as I see a small amount of moisture that he licks off as he sets his cup back into the holder.
I look out the window again before I do something I’ll regret later. I guess I understand why Ethan told Sam to back off—Sam was a bit of a ladies' man in high school. Not in the player sort of way. He was always dating someone, and I know he had girls lined up just waiting for their chance.
“Anything else that’s holding you back fromtrustingme?” His words are tight.
“Trust probably wasn’t the right word to use. I trust you…”
“Just not with your heart.” It isn’t a question.
“Sam.” I look at him, searching his face. There isn’t an ounce of teasing in his expression. I know my words hurt him; I’ve been trying, and failing, to process what happened with only my side of the story. He broke my heart, and it’s never fully mended.
“Why are you telling me all this now? Other than I asked you.”
“Because I lost Ethan. I can’t—” His voice cracks, and I think he’s trying to hold back tears. “In a lot of ways, you and Ethan were the only family I had. My dad was always so busy. After my mom died, your family took me in. You all made me yours.
“I want you in my life, Kat.” He looks at me, showing me how serious his words are. “In any way I can have you. If that means we only text and call each other and see each other when we’re both in Charleston, I’ll take it. I’m done with this distance we’ve built. If I have to spill all my secrets to you, I’ll do it. I just want you back.” His tone is matter of fact, as if he’ll fight me on this if I try to say no.
I have no intention of denying him. Because I want him in my life, too. I reach for his hand, giving it a little squeeze. “I don’t intend to lose you again, Sam.”
His lips lift in a small smile. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes.” I drag the word out. I’m nervous. Dropping his hand, I pick up my coffee cup and take a sip, trying to hide my nerves.
“I know I hurt you. I know that’s why you initially kept your distance. But Kat, it’s been seven years. Why have you kept away from me for so long? Why have you continued to avoid me?” I can feel the hurt in his words; it guts me to think of how much I’ve hurt him.
I look out the window, not able to meet his eyes for this. “At first, it was because I was embarrassed. Then…” I pause, trying to search for the right words.
I don’t want to share this with him. But, with how much he shared with me and how vulnerable he was, he deserves to know the truth.
Finding my resolve, I straighten my shoulders, look at him, and continue, “I stayed away because I’ve never stopped wanting you. I couldn’t seem to put my feelings aside. Knowing how you felt about me, at least based on what you said that day, I stayed away because I couldn’t be that silly girl pining after a guy who didn’t feel the same way. I stayed away so that I could move on.”
“And did you? Move on?” I wish he would look at me so I could see his expression.
“No.” The words are barely louder than a whisper.
“Good.” He picks up my hand and brings it to his lips. He places a gentle kiss on the back of it before putting it on the center console, his fingers intertwined with mine.
When Sam and I were in Seattle, he hardly ever took my hand in his and certainly never kissed me. The only time I can remember him kissing me on top of my head was when we went to the Space Needle and even then, I’m not sure he meant to do it.
