“I know things have been strained between you two for a long time. But, you know, I think you should talk to him even if you don’t feel like you can be completely honest with him about what happened. Sam and Ethan were, well, they were like brothers. I know losing Ethan is going to be really hard for him.” While I know he didn’t fully show it, I know she is right, this is devastating for Sam, too.
“I know.” Standing up from the floor, I make my way over to my bed and sit on the edge.
“Kat, you know I would never place the burden of helping him through this on you. He needs to grieve on his terms. But I think it will help you both to have each other to talk to.”
She’s right. Of course, she is. I’ve always known that I couldn’t avoid Sam forever, even though I’ve tried. I’ve kept my distance from him for the last seven years, but even I can admit that my resolve has slowly been cracking.
I know Liv has kept in contact with Sam all these years, and she continues to encourage me to reach out to him—like she was attempting at lunch yesterday.God, how was that just yesterday?I just never felt like I could put myself out there with him again, even if it were just as friends. “I don’t know,” I finally say. “I’ll try, but I don’t know that I can fully put myself out there with him.”
“I know you care for him still. I know all of this is hard. It isn’t something you should have to deal with. Just think about it, ok?”
“I’ll try with him. I don’t know what will happen. But I’ll try.”
“How are you doing with… everything else?”
“I don’t know—” I suck in a breath through my teeth as Liv waits for me to continue. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on without my older brother. I don’t know how I can say goodbye,” and I feel the need to beat myself up about whether I told him I love him or not. I don’t say the last part out loud. I’m not ready to admit that to Liv yet.
“You don’t have to have all of your feelings sorted out right now. I’m just worried you won’t take the time you need to grieve. I know you want to stuff your feelings down and not show them. But Kat, and I say this with all of the love I can give, you have to let yourself feel this.” I can’t stop the flow of tears streaming down my cheeks again as I listen to her, “You have to process this. Losing Ethan—” she chokes on the words and clears her throat, “losing Ethan is never going to feel right. It’s never going to be the same. It’s ok to take your time. Please take that time.”
I understand what she’s telling me, and I know she’s right. I’ve never lost anyone close to me before. Sure, my grandparents, but no one as close to me as my brother. “Ethan is—”was. I can’t hold back the sob that escapes at the thought.
“I know. I know what he means to you. I’m so sorry. I wish I were there with you right now so I could give you the biggest hug and help you navigate the next few days. It might take me a couple of days because I have this huge project with a bunch of things hanging on my work.
“Fuck, I wish I could pass it off to someone else, but I can’t. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I love you, Kat. I’m so sorry about Ethan, and having to navigate Sam on top of it? Call me anytime. I’m here for you. I love you so much.”
“Love you too. Let me know when you’re on your way?”
“Definitely. Bye, babe.”
We hang up, and I sit on the bed while I try to compose myself before going downstairs. I quickly check my reflection in the floor-length mirror by my bedroom door. My chestnut hair is long, reaching just past my shoulder blades. It’s still wet from my shower. Knowing I can’t deal with it today, I put my hair in a side braid. My green eyes are red-rimmed and a little puffy.Not much I can do about that.Shrugging at my reflection, I walk out of my bedroom and make my way downstairs.
I’m not even halfway down when I start to smell eggs and bacon. My stomach chooses this moment to remind me that it needs to be fed.
I hurry the rest of the way to the dining room, but halt as soon as I see Sam and his dad, Dan, eating breakfast with my parents. My gut clenches at the thought of having breakfast with Sam. Usually, when I know Sam is over, I walk slowly, listening for him and avoiding the spaces he’s in. But I can’t do that this time.
My parents are laughing at something Dan said. The sound is sincere and makes my heart happy, knowing they can find some joy in this terrible situation.
Noticing I’ve entered the room, Sam winks at me. It’s too late to pretend I wasn’t here, so I force my limbs to move. Dan stands up and embraces me. “Hey, Kat. It’s nice to see you.” Dan gives firm hugs—the kind of hug you know is genuine. He pulls you in and wraps you up.
“It’s nice to see you, too.” Dan is an older version of Sam. He’s handsome with light brown eyes and gray hair. He’s the same height as Sam, with a similar build, but with fewer muscles than Sam has.
I never understood why Dan didn’t remarry after his wife died. He’s a total catch—smart, attractive, and successful.
He sits back down, and I walk around the table to hug my parents from behind, wrapping an arm around each of them. I avoid Sam’s gaze, taking as much time as I can before I’m forced to interact with him again. I tell myself it has nothing to do with the butterflies that invade my stomach when I look at him.
Hesitantly, I walk to the kitchen island, where the food is ready, and scoop scrambled eggs, hashbrowns, and a slice of bacon onto my plate. Everything looks and smells delicious.
I’ve spent more time in this kitchen than I can even remember. We ate meals together here. Ethan and I would work on homework at the small breakfast table while my parents cooked dinner and talked about their days. The kitchen is cozy but spacious enoughthat several people can be in here without feeling like they are stepping on each other. The large windows allow natural light in.
“Thanks for making breakfast, Sam.” Mom’s voice stops my reminiscing.Sam cooked breakfast?I didn’t know he cooked. Turning around, I mumble my thanks to him.
It’s only now, as I’m walking back to the table, that I realize the only open space is the one right next to Sam. I groan inwardly.Why is this my life?!
“Feeling better?” Sam asks quietly, giving me his traditional smirk before taking a bite of one of his pieces of bacon.
God, he’s going to be the death of me. Why can’t he be ugly?
Even in my currently deteriorated mental and emotional state, I know Sam is the opposite of ugly. He’s all strong jaw line, soft brown eyes, and his lips are plump in all the right places. He lifts his eyebrow, making me realize I’m staring at him and haven’t answered him yet.
