Kat called me an hour later, apologizing for leaving like she did. I wasn’t mad that she left. I know there are times she just needs her best friend. Losing Ethan has been one of the hardest things we’ve been through.
We got married a little over two years ago. Our friends thought we were crazy for wanting to get married only six months after I asked her to be my wife. But we had spent enough time apart that we didn’t want to delay.
As an early wedding gift to Kat, I finally relented and showed her a picture of myI’m a Slave 4 UBritney Spears costume—I wore tiny shorts, a pushup bra, and even had a yellow rubber python around my neck. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her laugh so hard.
I can still vividly picture that day—me standing at the end of the aisle waiting for her. I was so anxious. I wasn't worried about getting married. No, I was concerned that Kat might change her mind.
It feels ridiculous now to think back and remember being nervous. Of course, she wouldn’t change her mind. I smile at the memory.
I stood there fidgeting with my tuxedo coat, waiting for her. I kept looking at my groomsmen standing next to me and felt the gaping hole left by Ethan’s absence.
But I finally saw her, Kat’s dad walking with her, and my heart stopped.
I’ve always thought Kat was beautiful. But seeing her in her wedding dress? Fuck. She took my breath away.
Her dress was simple, with lace on the top and a flowing skirt. Her hair was pulled back into a simple bun. She didn’t wear a veil; instead, she had daisies intertwined in her hair. I didn’t know she was going to do that, and when I saw her inclusion of my mom, it reminded me why I love Kat so much.
She slowly walked up the aisle towards me, and it took everything in me not to run to her, pick her up, and kiss her before the ceremonyeven started. But somehow, my feet stayed planted in place. My eyes never left her.
By the time we got to the reception hall, all I wanted to do was take my beautiful wife back to our hotel room. Instead, I stood in the reception line, greeting our guests, barely able to keep my eyes and hands off Kat.
I smile at the thought as I take baby Ethan’s tiny hand in mine, bring it to my mouth, and place a light kiss on it.
When everyone was finished eating dinner, it was time for our first dance. I was so nervous having everyone’s attention on me. “Just keep your eyes on mine, Sammy,” Kat said quietly to me as we walked onto the dance floor.
“That won’t be a problem, my love.” I took one of Kat’s hands in mine, placing the other on the small of her back.
I pulled her close to me and felt my body relax as she leaned into me, her head on my chest. “I love you more than words can describe,” I whispered into her hair.
“I will always love you, Sammy. She smiled up at me. That smile was all it took for me to forget that we were dancing in front of hundreds of people.
It was just the two of us as the room melted away.
“Is there something I can get you, Mr. Harris?” A nurse interrupts my thoughts.
“No,” I look down at Ethan in my arms and then back up to her, “we’re just going for a walk while my wife sleeps. Thank you.”
She nods to me in acknowledgment, and Ethan and I continue our slow walk.
With Ethan joining our little family, I couldn’t be happier. I was nervous when Kat said she wanted to try for a baby.
Of course, I was ecstatic about the trying part. But the baby part? I was terrified. Still am.
I’ve always known Kat would be a great mom. She’s compassionate and kind. She seems to always know what others need.
But me? Fuck, I’m terrified I won’t live up to Kat’s—really my—expectations of me. But I’ll do anything to make her, and this perfect boy in my arms, happy.
Ethan starts fussing, and I know I can’t delay any longer. “Ok, baby boy. Let’s go find Mama so you can eat.” I raise his tiny body up, kiss his head, and start walking in the opposite direction, back towards the room where we’re staying.
The only time I’ve left Kat’s side has been to take Ethan on walks so she can rest or to talk to the nurses if Kat or Ethan needed something.
Ethan’s been in either my arms or Kat’s since our parents left after visiting hours yesterday evening. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Putting him down and leaving him by himself is unfathomable to me—even if he’s in the same room. I know I’ll have to do it eventually, but that can wait.
As I walk back into the room, I see that Kat is awake.
“Hey, where’d you go?” She still looks tired, and I wish I could do anything to let her get more sleep.
The nurses coming in all throughout the night made it tough for her to rest while Ethan slept, and then, of course, she was up when Ethan needed to eat. I was, too. If Kat was awake, I would be too. I don’t want her to feel like she’s in this by herself.
