“Always.”
“What was it like when things were good with you and Zane?” That’s the last thing I expected him to ask.
A lie is at the tip of my tongue out of habit, saying it was never good, but I’m kidding myself. “Fun. Exciting,” I answer, “when things were good, they were really good. He always treated me good, no matter how shitty I treated him.” I was so young then; I didn’t know what I wanted. He never broke things off with me; it was the other way around. Things would start getting too heavy, and I’d run. It was too late by the time I figuredout what I wanted.
Zane showed me things about myself I didn’t even realize. No matter how the guys think our relationship went, it wasn’t like that. They think Zane pursued me, and he did, but I also pursued him. I always watched him whenever he was around, and he was always watching me too. Even when he shouldn’t have been. His dark blonde hair was always kind of shaggy in the front and swept off his forehead. His whiskey-colored eyes would draw you in with a single glance. His nose was slightly crooked from being broken more than once, but it didn’t take away from his handsome face. His strong jaw was usually covered in stubble, and the things he could do to my body blew my mind. I might have sworn it was just sex, but it wasn’t. Zane and I had a deep connection; it hurt when I discovered everything. The only way I could move on was to convince myself I hated him.
“Did you love him?” Holden asks.
I lay my head back on the lounger and stare out over the pool. “I did.”
“Do you still love him?”
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. I have feelings for him; I know that. But is it because of our past or what we went through together? That’s what I don’t know. I look back at Holden. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” Holden is the hardest to get a read on; he isn’t as open with everything as my other guys are.
“I think you should follow your heart, Bright eyes,” he says, locking those chocolate eyes on mine. “If your heart leads you to him, that’s where you need to be.”
I frown at that. Does he think I would ever leave them for Zane? “I’m not going anywhere. No matter what happens down the road, I am now and always will be yours.”
He jerks me to him, surprising me. He wraps both arms around me, holding me close. “You can’t leave ever again.”
“Never,” I promise, holding him just as close. I got so used to people fearing me that I forgot that I’m only human. That won’t happen again.
Holden is naïve, in a sense. He’s never had a relationship; hell, he was a virgin before me, then he got thrust into a relationship withfour other guys. Then he has his separate relationship with Ryder, and I’m so happy it’s still going strong. When they aren’t with me, they’re with each other. Tensions were high between Gage and Leo, which seems different today. They were kissing when I walked into the kitchen, and I knew whatever was causing all their problems, they finally worked through.
“Les. Holden.” We split apart at the sound of Dex’s voice. “Come inside.”
I look at Holden with an exaggerated, wide-eyed look. “I feel like we’re in trouble,” I whisper.
He chuckles, and I soak the sound in. “Me too.”
We slide off the loungers, and Holden tucks me into his side on our way into the house. He twists his body when we walk past Dex, so I’m on the other side, making me giggle.
“What the hell?” Dex mutters under his breath, following behind us, making us laugh while rounding the corner.
Ryder jerks me into his arms. “Fuck, I’ve missed that sound.”
I hug him back. “I did too.”
I know I still have a lot to work through; one good night won’t cure me. I feel like I’m on the right path, and with these guys at my side, I’ll get there.
We get seated at the table with me at the head of it. Ryder, Gage, and Leo are to my right, Dex and Holden are to my left. All of their expressions are open and honest, ready to accept whatever I have to say. I search deep within myself for my old backbone and feel it. I let it build around me. I’m done crying. I’m done hiding. I’m done with everything that place made me be.
“I’m just going to lay it out there,” I start. “I don’t know how I feel about Zane. All my thoughts revolving around him are jumbled up in my head.” It’s like a knot that’s tied too tight, and I can’t find where it starts or where it ends. “Yes, we have serious history together. Yes, we went through bad shit together. Yes, I needed him last night. But that’s where it stops; I don’t know where to go from there.” I look at Ryder and know he’s having the hardest time with this. In all the years of our friendship,hewas the one who gave methe most comfort. “This has nothing to do with you guys. It’s my own fucked up mind reaching out for him.”
“I know,Il mio sole,” Ryder says, reaching out and grabbing my hand. “I’m trying to understand all this. I don’t know how much I can take at once; you have to be patient with me.”
I look at Gage next, and he gives me that crooked smile I love so much. “You know how I feel about it. Just know if he fucks up, I’ll slit his throat.” He grins at that.
“Jesus, babe,” Leo laughs, then looks at me. “I want you to have whatever makes you happy, Baby. I think you need to explore things with him and see where you stand.”
“I agree,” Holden adds. “That’s the only way you will know if what you feel is real or if it’s because of what you went through.”
“Do it for yourself, Baby girl,” Dex rumbles, grabbing my other hand. “We’ll be here the whole time.”
I feel tears in my eyes, but they’re happy tears this time. It says a lot about our relationship now that we can sit and have this conversation. The guys are closer than ever, including Ryder and Leo. They no longer bicker over dumb stuff or push against each other. At least one good thing has come out of this. Or maybe two, depending on this thing with Zane. I know we need to go slow, just in case we are just latching onto each other during the hard times. We don’t know what will happen when it gets better. Will we drift apart, then?
Feeling their strength bleed into me, I tell them everything, including what I told Gage. They need and deserve to know.
