I do, damnit, I do. He gave her the one thing that we couldn’t. Comfort. What does that say about us? Although she swore she didn’t, some of me feels like she blames us for what happened, and I don’t blame her. We fucked up. Big time. We should have protected her better, not put her on the damn front lines all the time.
Les comes back downstairs in a cloud of that vanilla scent, wet hair piled on top of her head, a gigantic t-shirt that I’m sure is mine, and loose sweatpants, always making sure every scar she has is covered. Seeing them in person for the first time made me want to go on a fucking killing spree. Killing anyone who ever wronged her until we found that asshole. Gage didn’t tell us what she told him; he didn’t have to, but he did tell us what happened between them. I was pissed, relieved, and jealous all at the same time. But relief won out because Gage needed her as much as she needed him at that moment. They also went through something together, and they needed that connection back.
“I messaged Dex. He’s going to pick it up on his way back,” Gage says, kissing her on her forehead when she sits beside him.
“Okay,” she says with a smile. Like she can feel me staring at her, her eyes raise to meet mine. “Spit it out.”
“Spit what out?” I ask, knowing what the hell she’s saying. Sheraises an eyebrow, which is much like the old Les. I sigh. “What happened yesterday?”
“We talked. We fell asleep. End of story,” she answers, nervously spinning her phone on the counter. Holden gave it to her the minute she stepped back through that door. He’s also been working on a tracking device for each of us to wear, but she doesn’t know that yet.
“Talked about what?” Leo asks, reaching out and stopping the spinning.
She drops her hands in her lap, her eyes dropping with them. “Everything. I know you guys are mad at me. It’s okay if you are.”
Nope. This isn’t going to fucking do. Les doesn’t cower from anyone; I sure as hell won’t let her think she needs to do it in front of me.
“Look at me,” I say, bracing my hands on the counter. I wait until her eyes meet mine. “We aren’t mad at you,” I tell her, and it’s only a slight lie. But watching her feel guilty about needing him makes me realize how much she does. “We just want what’s best for you.”
“Even if that’s Zane,” Gage continues, picking up what I’m saying. I can’t get the words to form, so I’m grateful.
She shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes. I’ve never seen her cry this much, and I would give anything to take it away. “We can’t. I told him that.”
Gage looks at me expectantly, knowing I’m the reason she’s holding back. I’ve let my distaste for him be known loudly for years.
“Do you want him?” I ask. “Don’t lie,” I tell her when she starts to shake her head. The tears say it all. “We can’t work anything out if you lie.”
Tears splash down her cheeks. “I’d never hurt you guys.”
I harden my resolve. “You won’t. When Holden and Dex get back, we’ll sit down and talk about it.”
This needs to be said in front of all of us. She needs to admit to herself and us what she needs. Or wants, for that matter. We went into this as a unit; we need to discuss it as one.
Can I put everything aside for this?
We’re about to find out.
Chapter 12
Alessa
After I ate way more of my burger and fries than I usually do, I waited for my stomach to roll. It never happened. It’s the first proper food I’ve had in six weeks, and after sleeping last night, I feel slightly refreshed. I’m not cured by any means, but I’m trying.
I came out to the back patio to lounge by the pool, Holden following close behind me. He hasn’t said a word, and neither have I, both of us just enjoying our time together. I’m still waiting on Ryder to make me have this conversation, though. I know I need to, for their sake and mine.
Seeing Zane walk through that door yesterday was everything I didn’t know I needed. When I told Gage what I did, I never expected him to run and get him. I don’t remember Gage putting us to bed; Zane had to tell me. When I woke up wrapped around him, I was so washed with guilt that he told me softly he was going to leave after kissing my forehead. I wanted to reach out to him, asking him to stay, but the thought of the hurt on my guys’ faces stopped me.
Holden reaches over and pulls my lounge chair closer to his, grabbing my hand and folding them onto his thigh. Holden avoided me the rest of the day after I discovered what they saw. I finally tracked him down that night, and we talked for hours. We clearedthe air that my panic attack wasn’t his fault, and neither was the fact he couldn’t find me. That one took me longer to convince him about. After we talked, he curled around me, and we slept. A couple of hours, anyway. I woke up screaming, freaking him out so badly that he ran and got Ryder. That’s what started them taking turns sleeping with me. They don’t want to overwhelm me with all of them; they just want to be there for me when I need it. Sometimes I wish they would push; I want to be overwhelmed. I want to feel all of them. They have all walked on eggshells around me for two weeks, and I got it. Letting myself be with Gage was my first attempt at claiming myself back from that asshole. He was gentle and patient with me, listening to everything I didn’t want to say but somehow figuring it out, anyway.
When I got back, it was never in my mind not to accept their love. I wanted nothing more while there than to get back to them. Now that I am, I’m not taking it for granted again.
I squeeze Holden’s hand. “I love you.” I also tell them every chance I get that I love them. I held back before, but not now.
He sighs, squeezing mine back. “I love you too, Bright eyes.”
When Holden isn’t with me, he’s in his office working until all hours of the night. Ryder said he’ll have to go in there more than once and drag him out. He’s updating my security, tracking Jay, watching the moves of everyone every time they leave the house, and I know he’s working too hard. Nothing I say stops that, so I’ll hang out in his office with him. It surprises me he’s out here with me now.
“Can I ask you a question?” he asks, turning a little to face me.
