“I love him, Ryder,” she whispers and rolls smoothly to her feet, reaching down and pulling her shirt back on.
I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces. If she loves him, there is no place in her heart for me, not like that. There is no way I can fuck her for fun while she loves him.
She walks out of the gym when I don’t respond, and I let her walk away. What else am I supposed to do? Follow her and beg her to love me instead? I always thought that when she was finally ready to settle down, I would tell her how I felt, and we would have the life she always dreamed about, the one her mom and dad had. But I keptmy head buried in my own shit and missed when she fell in love with him. Looking back, I can see the moment it went from simply dating to her gushing about all the shit he did with her, all the stuff he didforher. All the shit I never did, all the shit I didn’t do because I thought I had it on lockdown as her best friend. I let her walk right into his arms and out of mine.
I fucked up, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.
Chapter 13
Alessa
One minute I was ready to kill Ryder, and then his hard body was sliding against mine. We are like two magnets being drawn together without the hope of fighting it. I’m so pissed at myself for the look on his face when I told him I loved Leo. The look in his eyes ripped my heart out. I don’t want to hurt Ryder, but he needs to know the truth.
I hear the patio door open and hastily wipe away the tears rolling down my face without looking to see who it is.
Watching from the corner of my eye, I see Dex fold his large frame onto the lounge chair by the pool beside mine. My eyes meet his, and he frowns, his face becoming thunderous.
“Who the fuck made you cry?”
I laugh without humor. “Myself.” I angrily wipe the tears that won’t stop falling. “What’s wrong with me?”
“You’re human, Les. Talk to me.” I shake my head, and the tears start falling harder. I can feel a sob trying to bubble out, causing Dex to look at me in panic and go to stand. “I’ll go get one of the other guys.”
My hand shoots out and grabs his arm. “No. Please don’t.” He sits back down, and I move my hand when I see him tense up. “Stay.”
“I can’t give you what you need right now,” he says so softly I barely hear him with his already raspy voice.
“Just sit with me?” I ask. “Then we can talk.”
He looks at me skeptically but nods his head, leaning back in the chair and kicking his legs up. I bought the biggest ones I could find so he could fit with his giant stature, but his feet still almost hung off the end.
I try to gather my thoughts so I could talk to Dex. I know he’ll listen without judgment because he always has. Would he about this, though? I’ve made so many wrong choices over the last couple of months. Am I still making them by hooking up with LeoandGage? Leo and I still haven’t worked through everything. But I won’t even try to deny how good it felt or how freeing it was to let myself feel what my body has been begging for. The more I get involved in this, I realize Gage is right. I want them all, and things are already falling apart with Ryder. There is no way he can share me. He’s made that clear without even having to say it. His face earlier said it all. What about Holden? He seems so innocent. How would it be fair to bring him into some unconventional relationship? He deserves a woman that spends every minute doting on him. How can I do that when I’m trying to entertain four other guys?
And Dex. He doesn’t like to be touched by anyone at all. I can’t even get by with it most of the time. Every time I slip up and do, this haunted look crosses his eyes like he is being sucked back to that place where Frankie’s guys tortured him for weeks before dumping him in front of the gate, beaten to shit, and bleeding out. The light went out in his eyes and never turned back on after that night.
I always wondered why he stuck by my side after that. Dad would have let him leave, no questions asked, but Dex wouldn’t budge. He healed physically but never did mentally. He functions fine, his mind sharp, his body stronger than ever, but with one wrong touch, he withdraws in on himself unless he’s causing someone pain. It hurts to watch because he used to be so open with affection. I would know. I would sneak around with him, falling more and more in love with him as the days went by. He would kiss you without careand hug you like he was holding you together. That Dex seems to be gone, and I don’t know if I can get him back. I’ve tried for years, and there’s no sign of him. The night he disappeared, I thought I was going to fall apart. It was the first mission my dad let me go on because I wouldn’t stop begging. We turned this city upside down looking for him. Dad issued threats to anyone we thought was involved, even going as far as burning down one of Frankie’s bars.
Frankie sent his final message when he dumped Dex off with a bleeding knife wound straight down his face. Dex said Frankie did it himself in the car before they pushed him out. I helped him heal as I was the only one he would let change his bandages, then he pushed me away, and nothing I could do would bring him back. That’s when I fell into a wild, inappropriate affair with Zane.Nope, not going there.
Then there’s the unresolved stuff with Leo. But can I be mad? I omitted truths too. He may have known who I was going in, but I never told him myself. He sure as hell don’t know I’m the Black Demon. How would he even react to that? He has to know that in this life, we kill people for the family, but snatching someone off the street to murder is different. Isn’t it?
Shaking my head to rid myself of those thoughts, I look over at Dex’s profile, running my eyes down the massive scar. It doesn’t take an ounce away from how attractive Dex is. He has a mess of thick brown hair, these weirdly beautiful gray eyes that used to tell me everything he was thinking, pouty lips that would make any woman jealous that felt so good against mine, and a beautiful smile, when he uses it, which is rare these days. He has tattoos covering every inch of his skin, from his neck to his knuckles.
“What are you looking at?” he asks without ever looking my way, just staring at the water in the pool.
“You,” I tell him honestly, and he turns his eyes on me.
“Why?” he asks with a frown.
I shrug. “You’re hot, Dex. Get over it,” I reply, trying to keep my tone joking so he doesn’t spook.
He shakes his head, and I know he doesn’t see what I see. The night he pushed me away was the first and last time he everraised his voice at me. He yelled at me that there was no way I would want a scarred, fucked up freak like him and to get out of his face. No matter how much I cried and told him that wasn’t true, he just pushed harder. Shutting me out so much, I finally took the hint and left him alone.
“You never did believe me after that night,” I say softly.
“No,” he says but doesn’t comment further, and I sigh, laying my head back on the lounge chair. “You ready to tell me what’s going on with you?”
“I feel like I’m losing control, Dex.”
