I jerk back in surprise. “You’re going to let me fuck you?”
“Hell yeah,” he replies, and I can’t hide the shock. Ryder doesn’t seem like the guy to give up control like that. “I want to feel whatever had that pure blissed-out look on your face.” He looks down at my softening cock. “On second thought,” he jokes, talking about the size.
“Shut the fuck up,” I laugh.
He laughs, then pulls out with a groan, and I can feel his cum leaking out. “Let’s go get cleaned up.”
He stands up and then pulls me to stand from the couch, smacking my ass when I stand up, waggling his eyebrows.
And just like that, we’re Ryder and Holden again.
Just a little closer.
Chapter 51
Alessa
After Holden and Ryder left, Dex practically dragged me upstairs. He had me naked and was inside me before we hit the bed. I’m now curled up on his chest, still trying to regain my ability to breathe with him drawing patterns on my back.
“What are you drawing?” I ask when I can breathe.
“I.” He draws the I. “Love.” He draws a heart. “You.” He draws a U.
I look into his grey eyes, the sincerity shining through. “I love you too.”
He tucks me closer to his side, and I can tell something else is on his mind. I lay there and wait for him to tell me what he’s thinking.
“I’m worried about tonight,” he admits. “This is big, Baby girl.”
“I know.” I snuggle closer. “We’re the best, though. We got this.”
“Is Leo going?”
I sigh. “Yeah. I promised I would let him make his own decisions. He doesn’t want to be put on the sidelines.”
I listened to Doc rave yesterday about how good Leo was healing and how good Ryder was taking care of the wound. He’s allowed to remove the gauze during the day so it can breathe, and it’s hard to believe that he was shot three days ago.
“Leo is tougher than we gave him credit for,” Dex rumbles.
I laugh at that. “I know. He made sure I was aware that I’ve been underestimating him.”
“What happened yesterday, Baby girl?” he asks, and I don’t need him to elaborate.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I told Leo the truth about what happened with Frankie and who I was. My head had already concluded that he wouldn’t stay, and suddenly, I couldn’t get away fast enough. I felt like I needed to claw my skin off, and the only thing running through my head was I needed to run. Memories kept popping up from that day, and the panic attack hit. It all played out in my head like I was watching from someone else’s eyes.”
“That’s what used to happen to me when someone touched me. It was like someone was playing my biggest failure on a big screen,” Dex admits, and I freeze. He never talks about this. “I convinced myself all those years ago that you wouldn’t want me after that, so I pushed you away instead of running. Every one of those panic attacks or doubts you have; is triggered by something.” I feel my eyes fill with tears and try to stop them before it drops onto his chest. He pulls my face up to look at him. “You helped me through mine. Let us help you.” The fact I am practically lying on top of Dex proves that I did help him.
“I don’t know how,” I admit quietly. “I don’t know how to admit I have a weakness. I’m not supposed to be weak.”
“You aren’t weak, Les,” he says, pulling me up so my arms are crossed on his chest so I can look into his eyes. “You’re human with human feelings and emotions. You just need to learn to lean into your human part, not shut it out.”
“I’m afraid too. I’m afraid I'll fall apart if I let the human side all the way in.”
He puts his big hands on my face. “We’re here to put you back together. You have five guys more than willing to lay down their lives for you. Let us be who you need us to be. I see the human Les in there. I see her with every I love you, every sigh, every laugh, every kiss. Let her be free.”
“I’ll try,” I promise, tears running freely down my face. They always joked for a long time that I was the ice queen, but one by one,these guys melted the ice surrounding my heart, allowing me tofeelagain, and it scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid once I let her out, I won’t be able to lock her up again when I need to make split-second decisions about whether someone lives or dies. What if I make the wrong decision, and one of mine dies because of it? I look at Dex through tears and take a leap of faith. “If I jump, you guys have to catch me.”
“Always, Baby girl.” He crushes me to his chest.
