“It’s not wrong, what you’re feeling,” Iain said. “I imagine it’s quite natural.”
“Ye can stop any time now,” she said, her voice hoarse with emotion.
“I guess what I’m saying,” he continued, ignoring her, “is that I don’t want you to ever be afraid of talking about your Christina. Or John. They’re both a large part of you and who you are. Don’t turn your back on those memories because of me. I know…” He cleared his throat. “I know you blame me for John’s death.” He squeezed her fingers. “I blame myself as well. I hope that we can get past that someday.”
The warm, bright day turned a bit chillier and dim. She hoped that someday thoughts of John and Christina wouldn’t cause her world to darken. “I used to blame ye for John’s death, but in truth I was directing my anger at ye when I should have directed it at John. John died doing what he wanted to do. Ye say that being a healer is what I am. John was a warrior, and he laid down his life for his fellow warrior and chief. I miss him terribly some days, and I’m dreadfully angry at him some days, but mostly, I’m proud of him for taking that pistol ball that was meant for ye.”
They fell into a companionable silence, and the sun became brighter and the breeze warmer. Maybe that was how it happened. Maybe the coldness and darkness faded over time until there was only warmth and light and good memories.
“How do ye do it?” she asked. “How do ye see so deeply inside of me like that?”
“I don’t know. I just do. I’ve never been able to do it with anyone else. What do you think about that?”
“I don’t know.” She shied away from those thoughts, not willing to delve into them just yet.
“I think you do.” He stood and pulled her up with him. “We should go before Sean comes out here wondering what we’re doing.”
Cait checked on the mother and baby one more time before she and Iain left the newly expanded family with the promise that Cait would return tomorrow. They rode back to the big house in a comfortable silence that ended when they were confronted by Palmer. “I have news,” he said.
Cait tensed, waiting for the worst, although she didn’t know what that would be anymore. Iain moved closer until their shoulders were touching, and she was grateful for the silent support.
“Lieutenant Donaldson has been reassigned starting immediately. He’s been transferred to the northern Highland region.”
“Truly?” Cait had convinced herself that the incident was not as serious as she’d first believed. She’d felt that she made it more than it really was, and being with Iain had given her a sense of safety. Or at least she’d thought it had. But hearing Palmer say that Donaldson was going very far away made her weak with relief.
“You have my thanks, Captain,” Iain said.
“When does he leave?” she asked.
“Today. He was given no choice. I want to extend my apologies, Mrs. Campbell, on behalf of the English army. That is not how an English officer is supposed to act.”
—
“You can’t go back.” Iain stepped in front of her to block her from walking out the front door.
She pulled up short. “I can’t stay here.”
“Of course you can.”
“Iwon’tstay here. I’ll no’ have people talking about me like that, and I’ll no’ have it go around that I’m yer mistress.”
He didn’t move.
“Iain, please. Ye’re acting foolish.”
“I’macting foolish? Because I care about you?”
“If ye care, then ye’ll let me go. Ye know where I am, and ye know ye’re always welcome. But I have a home to go back to and…” She looked around. There was no one lurking about, but that didn’t mean that ears weren’t pressed to doors or eyes weren’t looking through locks. “And I have obligations to meet.”
His expression wavered and he stepped away. She smiled at him, knowing how difficult it was to let her go. He worried about her, she understood that, but she refused to let her life be ruled by fear when it was already ruled by fear of commitment. This was something she’d only just realized about herself, thanks to Iain. She was afraid of having any sort of relationship, whether it be friendships with other women or a romantic relationship with Iain or any other man. She couldn’t even give her cat a proper name because she feared he wouldn’t stay around long.
But knowing about her problem and fixing it were two different things, and she wondered if she was beyond fixing. Maybe she was too scarred to ever be a person who could trust again. Maybe she would always be broken.
She walked out of the big house. The front was now a manicured lawn rather than the upper bailey of old. Things were changing rapidly, and Iain was at the forefront of those changes. She didn’t like many of them, but she was beginning to understand them thanks to Iain.
Her mount was waiting for her, the reins held by a young lad who smiled as he handed them over. She quickly mounted.
Iain was standing in the open doorway watching her. She’d insisted on leaving alone, needing to do this. She refused to let Donaldson take her freedom or her independence. She was nervous but knew this was something she had to do, just as she knew that it was driving Iain mad that she would not allow him to accompany her.
