‘I can’t afford to be human.’ He exhaled slowly. ‘You don’t understand. How could you? You weren’t built for this life, so you have no idea what it entails.’
She swallowed. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘Do you really understand what you’re up against? Who you’re marrying? He doesn’t care about you. That’s not going to change. In fact, it’s going to get worse. And you’rechoosingthat.’
Her heart was thudding hard in her chest now. ‘I’m choosing to help thousands of people, putting their needs ahead of my own. And instead of applauding me, you stand there belittling me and making me feel stupid.’
‘Women who marry into these roles spend their entire lives preparing for them, and you think you can just wake up one day and push all your values and feelings aside and save everyone?’
‘I’m not having this conversation with you again.’ She raised her chin. ‘I came to tell you to leave the servants alone and to let Thornton do his job. And now I’m leaving.’
‘Because I hurt your feelings? You better get used to that. You’ll be the king’s emotional punching bag for the rest of your life.’
Her feet stopped. Returning to him, she shoved his chest with both hands. His feet did not move.
‘That’s enough!’ Hot tears fell down her cheeks. ‘I’ll be his emotional punching bag, because that’s the job. I expect it from him. But I won’t be yours.’ A sob tore from her. ‘It’s like a knife in the stomach, and I can’t bear it.’ She took a second to collect herself. ‘I never expected it from you.’
Astin’s face fell. He raked a hand over his head, suddenly looking lost. ‘Lyndal—’
‘No.’ She backed away to the door. ‘No more.’
Chapter 31
Lyndal managed to avoid Astin for four whole days. She planned her time with the king around the times he was off duty and even found herself ducking into rooms she did not need to enter in order to avoid him. Of course, he knew exactly where she was due to the fact that Roul and Eda were usually standing awkwardly in the corridor waiting for her to re-emerge, but he did her the favour of continuing past without saying a word.
She passed time playing chess with the queen, writing letters, reading, or outdoors trying to prevent her sister from going insane from boredom. This existence worked, right up until the night the king requested she dine with him in his private quarters.
Leaving Eda in her bedchamber, Lyndal walked the dimly lit corridor to the east wing of the castle. She was surprised to find Astin standing outside the king’s door but said nothing when his gaze drifted in her direction. It was the first time she had come face to face with him since their fight. She stopped a few paces from the door, careful not to meet his eyes. Without saying a word, he disappeared inside and returned a few moments later.
‘The king will see you now,’ he said, moving aside.
Her gaze flicked to his, and she immediately regretted it. All the feelings she had pushed down rose to the surface in a single glance. All the anger, the hurt, along with all the other ones she did not want to acknowledge.
‘Are you going in?’ Astin asked.
That was when she realised her feet had failed to move. Clearing her throat, she said over her shoulder, ‘No need to wait, Thornton. It might be a late evening. I’ll send for the night guard when we’re done.’ She saw Astin’s jaw tick in annoyance, but instead of feeling triumphant at the small win, she felt sick.
Roul bowed his head. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’
Astin kept his eyes ahead, promptly pulling the door closed the second she stepped through it. She jumped at the noise.
‘I am absolutely starving,’ Borin said, waving her in. He took a seat at the small table and gestured for the servant to start filling his plate.
He always said things like that despite the fact that she was always on time.
Curtsying, she went to join him. And so began two tedious hours of Borin talking about everything from the superiority of his horses to complaints about his new boots.
‘I have a wide foot,’ he explained, ‘but it has never been an issue before.’
Lyndal listened, nodded, and chewed her food without tasting it. She praised him, encouraged him, and laughed when he attempted humour. She never criticised, never offered her opinion. She did everything Queen Fayre had told her to do. She was the perfect companion.
His ideal queen.
‘I wanted to speak with you about what will happen after the wedding.’
Lyndal perked up at that. ‘Good, because I have lots of ideas. I think it’s important the merchants see our passion to help them goes beyond providing for them.’
Borin placed his fork down and looked across the table at her. ‘I shall stop you there. Your focus will be on producing an heir. A fertile existence demands a much quieter life than the one you are currently living.’
