‘It doesn’t matter what you said. He shouldn’t have put his fucking hands on you like that.’
She knew he was at the end of his tether if he was using that language in front of her.
Before she could respond, her new night guard walked into sight, nodding at them both.
Astin shifted his weight and closed his eyes for a second.
‘Go,’ she said, managing a smile. ‘Please.’
He nodded, then left without another word.
She watched him until he turned the corner, then gave her night guard, whose name she could not remember, a weak smile before heading inside. She closed the door and leaned on it, sliding all the way down to the ground. Drawing up her knees, she cried silently into them. Astin had been right. She was not cut out for this life. The merchant blood was too strong in her veins, leading only to rebellion instead of necessary compliance.
What was the point of her misery if everything the queen mother had promised would not come to fruition? Borin would block her at every turn. It was clear now that he would never respect her enough to value her input. She would always be a merchant in his eyes, nothing more. He would tolerate her at best, so long as she stayed quiet and birthed a few boys who would likely grow to have blunt fringes that matched their father’s.
She remained on that floor for hours, chewing her fingernails and thinking through every possible avenue she had at that point, every possible outcome. There were so many reasons why it was too late to change her mind. Yet the feeling in her gut, the one telling her to flee, grew stronger by the second.
Picking herself up off the floor, she turned and pulled the door open. Her night guard raised one eyebrow in question.
‘I’d like to go for a walk,’ she said, aware of what a mess she must have looked like.
‘Now?’ he asked, visibly confused.
She nodded and stepped past him.
‘Your cloak, my lady?’
She was not feeling the cold at that point, so she continued walking. She knew Astin would be at the barracks by now, so she exited the castle and headed for the wall.
‘You can’t leave the castle grounds,’ her guard said, voice firm. ‘Those are my orders.’
She was halfway to the wall at that point, fighting the urge to run. But there were defenders at the gate ahead, and she knew she stood no chance of getting past them. She wanted to get to Astin, to tell him he was right, that she was sorry.
Her feet stopped and her face fell.
‘I need to get you back to your room,’ her guard said.
She pressed her palms hard against her eyes.
‘Lyndal?’
Her hands fell away at the sound of Astin’s voice. She turned, searching for him. He stood halfway between them and the castle, staring at her.
‘What is she doing out here?’ he asked the bodyguard.
‘She wanted to go for a walk.’
Lyndal moved towards Astin, her pace quickening the closer she got. She half fell, half flung herself at him, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his soothing scent.
He peeled her off him, holding her at arm’s length. ‘What happened?’
She blinked, hating that she could not for the life of her stop crying. ‘I… I’ve changed my mind.’
She saw the slow hardening of Astin’s face as her words sank in. ‘Shit.’ He looked at the other defender. ‘I’ll watch her for the rest of the night. You can return to the barracks.’
The night guard hesitated. ‘But the warden—’
‘I’ll deal with the warden.’
