“No,” the tattoo artist said as he approached.Harker was right, he was a big’un.He was taller than me, bald, with tattoos covering about every inch of his arms, his neck, and it looked like there were some peeking out from around the back of his head, too.He had a salt-and-pepper goatee and a scowl on his face that would make lesser men rethink many of their life decisions.“Harker, you have to leave.I touched up your tattoos, but Papa O-bear said if I gave any more aid and comfort to the enemy, I’d be cut off from home, and I’d lose any support I’ve got from any of the family around here.”
He was being awfully surreptitious in his word choice, which led me to believe that the client was human.The girl behind the counter had all the elfin features I’ve come to associate with fairies passing as human, but James had about as much in common with the delicate bone structure of most fae as I do.He was a lot skinnier than me, but the skin around his neck spoke of someone who’d been a lot bigger in the not-too-distant past.I stepped forward before Harker could…well, Harker things up too much and start a wave of destruction likely to not only keep us from getting to Fairyland but also would probably level the building.You know it’s a rough day when I’m the subtle one in any party.
“Hey, cousin.I’m Bubba.Quincy here tells me we’ve got some people in common.”
Thatfroze the big man in his tracks.He almost skidded to a stop, and his hand started to drift around to the small of his back.I know that’s where I carry my backup pistol, so I made sure to keep both my hands empty and in plain sight as I said, “Stay cool, man.I need your help.Not Harker.Me.And I promise, I’m family.O-Bear is my grandpa, too.”
My newfound cousin gave me a steady look.“Then why haven’t I ever seen you at any of the family reunions?”
“Oh, that’s on account of my granny being Papa O-Bear’sfirstwife.You know, thereallymean one.Nothing like your grandma, who as I recall form the one time we met was sweet as pie.”I kept a smile pasted across my face while I lied through my teeth.I’ve met Titania before, and “sweet” was not a word I’d use to describe her.
James looked at the girl behind the counter.“Blossom, you ever hear tell of Papa O-Bear having any kids with his first wife?”
The fairy girl kept looking back and forth between me and my cousin, probably trying to decide who wore the tattoos better.It was James.Mine were pretty good, but some of his were downright spectacular.I wondered if he did them himself or got a buddy to do ‘em.I figured the ones on his right arm were somebody else’s work, and I couldn’t imagine tattooing myself, what with the friggin’ pain and all, but I knew a lot of artists did.Finally, the blond girl spoke.“Yes, I have heard of a P—previous marriage, and a child did result from that.”
“Well, shit,” James said.He took a step forward and lowered his voice, I assumed so the mundane in his tattoo chair couldn’t hear him.“Let me finish this piece, and I’ll meet you at the Chinese buffet three doors down.Gimme about an hour.”
“We’re kind of in a time crunch,” I said, but he shook his head.
“Don’t care.This girl made an appointment three months ago, and she’s been sitting for four hours while I do this shoulder piece.I’m booked up for the next six weeks, and I’m not going to have her walk around with a half-assed tattoo just because some distant relation I’ve never heard of shows up out of the blue and demands my help.So you can either meet me at China Buffet in an hour, or you can fuck off into the sun.Your call.Either way, I’ll be there in sixty minutes.”Then he turned and walked back to the young lady.
“Any of y’all want to get some work done while you wait?”the counter girl asked.“I’m still training, but he says my line work is getting better.”
* * *
We all passed on the rookie tattoos and went straight on to the buffet, which was not ready for the kind of carnage me and Barry unleashed upon it.An hour and five minutes later, James walked in and laughed at the expressions of horror on the faces of the waitstaff.He pulled out a chair and sat down, chuckling.
“Before I go see what, if anything, is left of the buffet, what do y’all want?I just fixed Harker’s tattoos, and none of the rest of y’all give off a wizard vibe, so I don’t think you want magical battery ink.And before you ask, the Winchester brothers tattoos don’t do anything against demons.That’s a TV show, not real life.”
“We don’t seem magical at all?”I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Didn’t say that, cuz,” James replied, flagging down a waitress and asking for unsweetened iced tea.“I said you weren’t wizards.I know a half-fairy when I see one, and since I’ve tattooed about every pro football player within a hundred miles of here, this dude’s a Sasquatch if I’ve ever seen one.Pretty sure the rest of y’all are human, though.”
I rocked back in my chair a little and opened my mouth, only to close it again at James’s upraised finger.“I’m gonna go get some wings and sesame chicken.Maybe some crab rangoon if you left me any.When I get back, we can chat about what you need from me, Prince Bubba.”Then he got up, leaving me watching him go as I listened to Geri snicker.
“Prince Bubba?”She couldn’t keep the giggle out of her voice.I’m not real sure she even tried.
“I’m never living that one down, am I?”
“Not a chance.”
I followed James to the buffet and reloaded on sweet-and-sour pork and shrimp fried rice, then followed the artist back to the table.“You want to handle the introductions, or should I just call everybody by the names I made up in my head, like ‘Probably crazy chick,’ ‘Hair Dye Explosion,’ ‘Bigfoot,’ ‘Dickhead,’ ‘Douchebag’ and ‘Cousin’?”he asked, pointing at Geri, Ash, Barry, Harker, Jarvis, and me in turn.
“Probably crazy?”Geri asked.
“Dickhead?”Harker asked.
The rest of us were basically okay with our nicknames, I suppose.“Geri is the crazy one, Ash is the one with all the color in their hair, Barry is the ‘squatch, Jarvis is my soon-to-be brother-in-law, and you know Harker and me.We had a priest and my tech guru with us, but they had to stay back to deal with any local law enforcement when Granny Mab vanished an entire event venue, complete with the entire wedding party, guests and all.So you see why we might think we’re in a bit of a time crunch.”
“Your wedding?”James asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“And you didn’t invite her, did you?”
“Hell, no!”I said.“Have you met Mab?She makes Geri look stable.Shit, she makesHarkerlook stable!”
Harker and Geri both made sounds of protest, which I ignored.“Look, man.She’s got my fiancée over in Fairyland doing God knows what to her, and we’ve got to get her back.Not to mention she’s got my mother over there, too, and from everything I’ve heard, there’s some pretty serious bad blood between the two of them.”
