“Bullshit,” I replied, holding her gaze when she glared at me.“You and I both know that she’s laid up in her royal bedchambers, unable to lift her head under her own power.But you know how long she’s been sick, and I don’t.So if we’ve got any chance of me figuring out what the hell is going on and maybe stopping it, you need to tell me how long she’s been sick, and then you need to take me to her.Right now.”
Mama Bear looked into my eyes for a long breath, then nodded.“I remember last time you were here.You are big, brash, and perhaps stupid.But you fought a dragon, crossed all three Realms of Faerie to get to your goal, and survived.If anyone can help Her Majesty, you may be the one.”She gestured to a timid-looking faerie.“This is Honeysuckle.She is one of Titania’s personal maids.She will tell you all she knows, then escort you to the royal chambers.You may speak with Her Majesty, if she will see you.”
I nodded and looked at Honeysuckle.She was a tiny little blond faerie, maybe the diameter of my right thigh, with a sweet face and cute little pointy ears.She reminded me of Tinkerbelle from the old animated movie, but I managed to keep that to myself.I didn’t know if fairies got offended when you told them they looked like cartoon characters or not.
“Her Majesty’s energy has been waning for nearly two weeks, but the pace of the malaise has increased in the past few days.Yesterday she was able to hold court for two hours, but that was the only time she left her chambers.To my knowledge, she has not left her bed today.She has been taking all her meals in her rooms for several days, but today she has not even rung for breakfast.”
“Well, let’s take her a nice fruit tray,” Ash said, clapping their hands together.“I know whenever I’m sick, some Vitamin C perks me right up.”They looked around the kitchen at the fairies just standing there.“Go on, let’s move it!Get me a tray of fruit and juices fit for a queen!”The kitchen staff snapped into motion, and seconds later, we had a heaping tray full of freshly cut melons and diced fruit, with two large carafes of juices.
“Okay, gang,” I said, grabbing a carafe as Honeysuckle hefted the tray.“Let’s go see a sick Faerie Queen and try to stop an entire dimension’s worth of fae from a wasting plague.”
7
Honeysuckle led us on a meandering route to Titania’s chambers, guaranteeing that if we did anything to piss her off and make her leave us to find out own way out that I’d die of starvation before I ever found an exit.I decided that if it came down to it, I’d eat Jarvis first.Sure, I was impressed that he was less useless than I thought when he trotted out his medical expertise, but if I was going to murder anyone, it was still more likely to be him than anyone else in the party.Admittedly, maybe one reason I couldn’t keep track of where we were going was because I kept getting distracted with thoughts of cannibalizing my teammates.
After what felt like hours of walking but was probably less than fifteen minutes, Honeysuckle stopped outside a pair of ornate double doors.There were guards with halberds standing there look very grim and guardian-y, at least until the tiny fairy handed one of them her fruit trays and he had to juggle his polearm and a tray of fruits and berries while she turned to me and held up a finger.
“Wait here.I must enter first and make sure that Her Majesty is suitably attired to receive visitors.”She pulled one of the doors open and slipped inside, leaving us alone in the hall with a pair of stone-faced guards, one looking far less ridiculous than the other, since he only had a weapon in his hand, not a fruit tray and a massive axe on a big stick.
We stood there staring at the guards for a long couple of minutes before the door opened and Honeysuckle emerged, waving us in and relieving the poor guard of the fruit.I set the pitcher of juice down on a table where Titania sat, looking pale and thin, nothing like the gorgeous, tanned paragon of summer hotness I’d seen on my last trip through Faerie a couple years ago.She waved to a row of chairs arranged on the opposite side of the table, and we all sat.Oberon sat at his wife’s right hand and immediately poured her a glass of juice and tried to press her to eat.She waved away his efforts and locked eyes with me.
“You have returned to my realm, grandchild of my rival.Are you here to gloat at my weakness?”She might have looked frail, but there was still iron in her eyes and steel in her voice.
“No, ma’am,” I replied honestly.“I didn’t even know you were sick.We didn’t want to come to Summer at all, but this was the only portal from our world that we could find on short notice.Mab has kidnapped some people who are very important to me, and we’re headed to Winter to bring them home.Hopefully.”
Titania and Oberon shared a glance, then she turned her attention back to me.“Mab didn’t send you here?”
“Ma’am, I haven’t spoken to Queen Mab since the last time I was in Faerie, and when I left, I kinda hoped I’d never see her again.She scares the crap out of me.”I felt something thump against my ankle and turned to see Geri glaring at me.“Um, sorry for my language.”I guess I wasn’t supposed to say “crap” in front of a queen or something.
“I am not offended… What is your name again?”Titania replied.
“Bubba, ma’am.”
“Bub-ba?Is that a normal name in your realm?”
“Not even a little bit,” Jarvis replied.“Ow!”I looked at him, but he was rubbing his ankle.That’s what he got for letting Geri sit between me and him—we both got kicked.
“No ma’am,” I said.“It’s a nickname.Where I’m from, a Bubba is someone who…” I paused, trying to figure out how to explain a redneck to a fairy queen.Fortunately for me, Ash stepped in.
“A Bubba is someone who lives in a rural area and is unapologetically opposed to urban life.In our world, we call them rednecks or hillbillies,” they said.
“My people eschew most urban environments, preferring the natural world to most buildings.Does that make us Bubbas?”Titania asked.
“No, ma’am,” I said.“There’s a certain lack of couth that’s also part of being a Bubba, and no one would ever accuse you of lacking civility or decorum.”
“Not if they wanted to live,” Oberon said, then glanced down and rubbed his ankle.Seemed like there was a lot of aggressive footsie being played under the table.
“So, as I was saying… Bubba,” Titania continued, still clearly uncomfortable with “Bubba” as either a name or a title.“I am not in the least offended that you would not want to see Mab again, or that you found her less than sane.It has long been our contention that the Queen of Winter is mad as the proverbial hatter.But did you not want to renew ties with your grandfather, Oberon?”She arched an eyebrow as she spoke, and I could tell that even if she was sick, my answer was going to be important.
I took a few seconds to try and decide what the right way to reply was going to be, then decided that if I couldn’t say the smart thing, I could at least say the honest thing.“No, ma’am, I didn’t.Honestly, I didn’t like him any more than I did Mab, although I didn’t think he was crazy.I just thought he was a dick.So if I’m being perfectly honest, I wouldn’t have ever set foot backer in Fairyland if Mab hadn’t kidnapped my fiancée.”
Titania’s eyes widened.“She stole your beloved?Well, we cannot allowanythingto interfere with the course of true love, no matter how unsmooth it runs.Can we, Oberon?”I’ve read enough Shakespeare to know there was someserioussubtext going on here, and even if I hadn’t sat through a high school production ofA Midsummer Night’s Dreamwhen I was fifteen, the cold-ass look on Titania’s face would have clued me in.
“No, my dear,” Oberon replied, his face a stone mask.“We cannot.”
“Then we must help this poor lovestruck fool in his quest, mustn’t we?”
“Apparently we must, my dear.”
