We sit in silence for a while and I think about all the ways we've hurt each other and all the ways we've tried to heal.Jake reaches for my hand, and I let him take it, because sometimes comfort is more important than complexity.
"I'm worried," he admits quietly."I'm worried about what happens when this all comes out.I'm scared of who I've become.I'm scared that I've lost all of you—you, Nate, Ollie, my Mom—because of choices I made."
"You haven't lost us," I say, and I mean it, moving closer to him, as if my presence will somehow ground his racing thoughts."You've made mistakes, congratulations, you’re human.But you're trying to make them right.That has to count for something."
"Does it though?Does trying to be better actually make you better, or does it just make you feel better about being who you are?"
The question hangs in the air, and I realize it's one I've been asking myself since the accident.
Am I actually healing, or am I just getting better at managing my damage?
Am I becoming stronger, or am I just learning to live with being broken?
"I don't know," I admit."But I think maybe that's the point.Maybe we're not supposed to have all the answers.Maybe we're just supposed to keep trying, keep choosing to be better, even when we don't know if it's working."
Jake squeezes my hand, and the simple touch confirms all the ways we've shaped each other and been shaped by each other.
"Thank you," he says with a faint smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.
"Always."I reply, and it's true in all the ways that matter.
Later that night,after Jake has disappeared in his room and I've spent hours thinking, I text Nate, who still hasn’t come home from wherever he’s been.
Nora
Want to go for a drive?
His response comes back almost immediately:
Nate
Meet you outside in ten.
I grab a cardigan and head downstairs, finding Nate waiting by his car with that easy smile that never fails to make my chest warm.He holds out his arms to me and when I feel them wrap around me, he kisses me.I almost want to pull the pin on everything I’m about to tell him but tonight, I need to be the one in control.
"Can I drive tonight?"I ask, and something in my tone must signal that this isn't a casual request because his expression shifts, becomes more attentive.
"Uh, sure," he says, handing me the keys."Where are we going?"
"There's something I need to show you."
As soon as the Mustang fires up, and the radio is on, “Cast No Shadows”by Oasis starts to play.The melody drifts through the car as I pull out of the driveway, and I can feel Nate's eyes on me, studying my profile.
The drive is quiet at first, both of us lost in our own thoughts.But as we leave Eden behind and head down the highway, I feel Nate's tension increase.He realizes we're not just going for a casual drive around town like we usually do.
"Where are we going?"he asks, and there's something in his voice that suggests he's preparing himself for whatever I'm about to reveal.
I reach over and take his hand, intertwining our fingers over the gearshift, like he’s done a dozen times on drives like this where he was trying to soothe my nerves.
"Do you trust me?"
"Always," he replies without hesitation.
The word echoes in the car, heavy with promise and possibility.
Always.
I drive us toward the place where everything changed, toward the road where my life split into before and after.I'm not sure what I'm going to say when we get there, not sure how to explain everything about that night.But I know that Nate deserves the truth, all of it.
