The determination in his voice scares me more than his confession.
"Jake, this sounds dangerous.If your dad finds out you've gone behind his back and?—"
"And what?"
He stands up abruptly, pacing to the window like he can't contain the energy of his own frustration.
"I can't do this anymore, I can't sit by and watch him fuck people's lives.I can't be the person who helps him do it, I won't.That's not going to be my legacy."
I watch him struggle with the weight of his own conscience, and I recognize the pain in his movements.It's the same restless energy I've carried since the accident, the feeling of being trapped between who you've been and who you want to become.
"Hey, sit down," I say gently, because I can see how upset he is—not just at his father, but at himself, at the choices he's made and the person he's become in the process."This isn’t on you."
He slumps back down beside me, and I can feel the defeat radiating from him like heat.
"It is on me.I did this, I fucked things up because I let him get away with things and now innocent people are losing everything because of it.Because I couldn’t say no to him."
Jake looks at me with tired eyes and my heart starts to ache at what he'd given up for a false kind of love."The worst part is, a part of me always knew."
"Knew what?"
"Knew that Nate was right from the very beginning.Knew that Mom and dad had issues growing up.Knew about what Nate had to do to keep me from everything.But I think I just got it in my head that I could change things.That maybe I could be the one to fix things for once."
I watch him struggle with the weight of his own realization.Jake has always been the family peacemaker, the one who smoothed over Scott's rough edges and made excuses for Lydia's willful blindness.He's spent years trying to be the perfect son, thinking that if he could just be good enough, loyal enough, successful enough, he could somehow transform his father into the man he needed him to be.
"You can't change people, Jake," I say gently, because I've learned this lesson in my own painful ways."In the same way some people aren't loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you.Once their need changes, so does their loyalty."
"I was so sure I could," he continues, his voice breaking slightly."I thought if I just played along, maybe he'd see that there was another way to be successful that didn't involve the shit he’s been pulling."He laughs bitterly."I was so fucking naive."
"You weren't naive," I tell him."You were hopeful.And there's nothing wrong with hoping the people we love will become better versions of themselves."
“When did you get so wise?”
I hold up the book I’m reading, “Haven't I always been?”
Jake smiles, for the first time since I’ve seen him this summer.
“True.”
His face crumples slightly, and I can see him processing years of choices through this new lens.
"I kept telling myself that if I could just stay close enough, if I could just be involved enough, maybe I could influence him from the inside."He runs his hands through his hair.“ Like I could be some kind of moral compass he didn't know he needed.”
He scoffs at the last part.
"You were trying to save your family," I say, because I understand the impulse even if I can see its flaws."That's not a character defect, Jake.That's love.It's just love that got misdirected."
The resignation in his voice breaks something inside me.
"There's this quote, I think Hemingway said it but I could be dead wrong, about how everyone breaks differently.Some people break like glass—all sharp edges.Others break like old books—the binding gives way, but the words are still there."
Jake looks at me with eyes that are too old for his face, too tired for someone who should still be figuring out who he wants to be.
"Which one am I?"
I study his face, seeing all the layers of him—the boy who used to build forts with me in the backyard, the teenager who debated which books were better, the young man who's been carrying his father's sins like stones in his pockets.
"I think you're both.And I think that's why it hurts so much."
