“What do you want then?” she asked, tone sharper than I’d ever heard it. I figured that was a good sign. She wasn’t shutting down on me anymore.
“I want you to tell the truth.”
“Why?”
“Because I think we owe each other that.”
“Why? Because we’re sleeping together?”
That wasn’t real bitterness on her tongue. That was her attempt to cover hurt with hard. I knew that move so well that there was no way she could bait me into any kind of anger back at it.
“Because I think we both know we’re notjustsleeping together.”
“That’s exactly—”
“Gonna cut you off there. Not gonna act like I know your dating history. But I’m going to go ahead and assume that I’ve done a lot more casual fucking than you have.”
That got a surprised little snort out of her.
“I’ve… I’ve always been a boyfriend girl.”
“Figured. I’ve never been a girlfriend guy.”
“I know. And I knew that before…”
“Which is why,” I cut her off before she could blame herself for being conflicted and confused just because she knew I slept around a lot before getting involved with me, “I can tell you from experience that there is nothing confusing about fucking. Even fucking someone over and over. When it’s just fucking, that’s all it is.
“You know how it is with the club girls. Could fuck the same girl a couple times a month for a year and still not feel anything. Same goes for her. Because that’s all it is and all it’ll ever be.”
“I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around that,” she admitted.
“I know. But you can trust me on this part is what I’m getting at. Casual is casual. But this,” I said, running my hand up and down her arm, “this hasn’t just been casual. And I’m confused about it, so I get why you’re feeling some sort of way about it too, without that experience.”
“So… what now?” she asked, her fingers toying with the neckline of my shirt, a little self-soothing gesture that made me wish I could give her the answers she wanted.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I know that if this is making you cry, then we gotta figure out how to stop that.”
“Are you… are you saying you’re done?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying. All I know is knowing you’re upset is gutting me. So I can’t imagine it’s any better for you. I guess the question I have is… is this too much?”
“I don’t know.”
“Quite a fucking pair,” I said with a humorless laugh. “Neither of us knows shit.”
A little laugh escaped her too.
“I don’t want to stop,” she admitted after a long moment.
“Even though you’re upset about it?”
“Even though.”
“But what if it gets worse?”
“Then it gets worse.”
“That’s not—”
