She's still here.Still looking at me with huge sorrowful eyes.
Did I just open my mouth and greet this magnificent creature with the words “What are you doing here?”
I move slowly past the mare and step out into the aisle.“You surprised me.I didn’t mean it to sound like that.It’s just that it’s the middle of the night and I didn’t expect… is everything okay, Emma?”
She shakes her head and releases a soft moan.“I couldn’t sleep.I went for a walk and saw the barn lights on.I heard the horses and thought they were upset.”
“They are,” I say.
Emma takes two steps back and stops, then studies my face.“Wait.Areyouall right?”She glances at the horse lying on her side in the hay.“Oh, no.Is something going wrong?”
“This is Suki,” I say, gesturing for Emma to come closer.“She’s a sweet gal and has given birth five times, but she’s in distress this time around.”
Emma looks alarmed.“Will she and the baby be all right?”
Oh.
Shit.
It hits me like a fucking freight train.That’s the exact question I asked eight years ago, when the doctors rushed Amy into surgery.
I take a breath and stay as steady as I can when I answer Emma.
“She and the baby will be fine.The vet is coming in a few hours, and I’ll sit with her until then.For now, her heart rate and breathing are normal.”
“Why is everyone else so fidgety?”
She’s right, and very observant.It’s noisy in here tonight.“Horses are herd animals, and they pick up on what others are feeling.If one is in pain, none of them can settle down.”
Emma nods and peers into the stall.I don't know how to continue this conversation or even if I should, and I think she’s struggling with that too.I probably won’t have many more opportunities for this, so I let myself look at her while her attention is focused on Suki.
I thought I had memorized every plane and curve of Emma’s face, but as I observe her, I’m in awe of how beautiful she is.Inside and out.
She is the most beautiful thing that has ever walked into my life.
I don’t want her to go.I want Emma’s company.I want her at my side.If she leaves this barn now, tonight, I may never see her again.
“Would you li—?”
“Can I st—?”
Emma and I stare at one another.“Please,” I say to her.“I’d really like it if you stay.It might be safest if we watch her from out here, though.If Suki tries to stand or starts rolling, you might get hurt.”
She looks up at me and nods.
I grab a folded blanket on a nearby bench and spread it outside the cracked-open stall door.Emma sits, scooting over to make room for me, but we’re so close that our legs are touching.
“What happens next, Finn?”
It takes me a moment to realize she’s talking about the horse, not us.“We wait for nature to do her thing.”
She gives me a faint smile and nod.
Time passes in silence.I open my mouth and start to say something and stop myself.I do this a dozen times.But my vocal cords are paralyzed, since I’ve learned that my superpower is choosing the absolute worst thing to say at the moment it can do the most damage.
And I know that at this moment, I absolutely can’t say anything stupid.
When I was a Navy SEAL, I was always clear about mission objective and the path to mission success.Even in the gnarliest of situations, I was sure of myself.I knew myself.
