I’ve cleaned almost every inch of it.I moved the dishes around to where I like them.I know where the remote control is kept.I know that there's a broken outlet in the garage.
I stare up at the second floor.Finn’s window is up there, but there's no light inside.He must be sleeping.He likes to sleep in the middle of his bed.He uses both pillows to his right and left.He probably tosses and turns in his sleep.I don't know.I was never lucky enough to spend the whole night with him.
That should have been a clue for me.He said I couldn’t stay in his bed overnight because of Jasmine, and I agreed.But maybe it was something else.Maybe it was the stink of trash wafting off me.Orphan trash.Waitress trash.
Victim and criminal trash.
No matter how hard I scrub, I’ll never get the stink off me.I’m still that sixteen-year-old in the snow, trying to remove the stain of violence.
I continue walking.I pass Cal’s and Victoria’s home.Just ahead is Declan's house.Every light is shining from inside.He must be a night person.
I get to the end of the main road before it branches off into the pasture lands.It’s pitch blackness out here.I turn from it and head back to the main compound.I see lights on in some of the sheds and work structures.Ahead is the bunkhouse, but that’s dark.There are lights coming from the horse barn, though, and I head toward it.It's nice that they keep the lights on for the horses.Everyone needs a little night light.Even a horse, I guess.
As I enter the stable, I hear several horses whinnying and banging at the stalls.It sounds like they’re unhappy.I don't know a thing about horses, but I walk inside.If one of the animals is in trouble, I can yell for help.
I walk down the center aisle, and to my eye, every horse in here seems out of sorts.
I come to an open stall door.I don’t see anything at first, but when I turn into it, I'm stopped dead in my tracks.
“What are you doing here?”Finn demands.
CHAPTER 74
Finn
I’m rocked to my core.I would fall down, if I weren’t already propped against the wall of the horse stall.
I’m stunned to see Emma standing outside the door.I've been keeping the pregnant mare company for three hours now, but my mind has never left Emma.
So when she appears in the barn in the wee hours of the morning, no wonder I assume it’s my imagination.
It’s been pretty active tonight.
I’ve been picturing the joy she radiates when she’s whipping up something delicious for us in the kitchen.The silky touch of her long hair on my skin when we’re joined.How she looks at me when I'm inside her, the rich brown gaze that lures me into the depths of bliss, where I happily drown.
My imagination goes far beyond the physical pleasure she's given me, though.I consider how much my world has changed since the night she wandered into Cal and Victoria’s wedding tent.I saw Emma and just like that I knew that my life still held the possibility for happiness.I knew there was still room and time for me, because love had walked in and taken a seat.
I dared to dream.I saw Emma as my chance.But then I fucked it up.And now I know just how dangerous dreams can be.They can explode in your face.
Not that any of us have much choice in the matter.We run to dreams and hope because without them, we’re just sitting around waiting to die.Declan and I dreamed up StellaR Tech one night in a bar, and look what’s happened.I hoped I would find a way to raise Jasmine without Amy, and I have.There’s nothing wrong with wanting something so much that you believe you can dream it into existence.
There’s risk, though.
So why did I push Emma away?It’s simple.
Fear.
I told myself that I was doing it for my child.What a load of shit.I saw her observation about dyslexia as proof that I’d failed Jasmine.And that, right there, is fear in its most basic form for me.My biggest fear.
Failing my child.
I didn’t see Emma’s concern for Jasmine as helping me to build something.I believed she was tearing something down.And that’s the thing about fear… it will always try to convince you there’s an endless supply of things to be afraid of.
Fear kills joy.It kills dreams.Fear kills love.My fear ruined everything I had with Emma.
So she can’t possibly be standing in front of me now, right?
I close my eyes and open them again, certain my hallucination will have disappeared.
