I smile to myself.
One look at him and I have my answer.He’s happy.Tall, with a straight back.He always has a smile on his face.I've seen him with Finn and his other sons.He can’t get enough of his family.I'm sure he thinks having them all on the ranch together is a blessing.
I wonder what it’s like to love life the way Jamie MacLaine does.
“Of course I’m tucking her in,” Phyllis snaps at him.“She's had a rough day.I tuck everyone in when they have a rough day.”
“Well, you’ve never tuckedmein,” Jamie says.“But don’t you go getting any ideas.”
Phyllis scowls at him.“Did you eat dinner?There’s a plate for you warming in the oven.Sugar-free pudding is in the refrigerator.Don’t go to bed on an empty stomach.You need something warm in your belly to sleep right.”
Phyllis just tucked in Jamie with words.
It must be nice to always have someone to take care of you.
A new job is my top priority, but I tell myself that while I'm staying here with Jamie and Phyllis, I’m going to enjoy every second.
She turns off the light and closes the door, leaving it open just a crack so I have a night light from the hallway.I wiggle in deeper under the covers, wrapping myself even tighter in the quilts.Jamie’s house isn't as grand and modern as Finn’s, but it’s beautiful.Massive rafters line the ceilings.The walls are wood too.There's a shabby elegance everywhere.Luxury.
Safety.
I’m always chasing safety.
As comfortable as I am, I can’t get to sleep.Three hours pass while I use every method I know to clear my mind and relax.I toss and turn.I throw off the quilts.I flop around like a hooked fish.
I give up.
I decide to go for a walk outside.It'll be nice to clear my head with some fresh air.Besides, I don’t know how many more nights I’ll have to wander the ranch.And now is the time of day I’m least likely to run into Finn.
I've already applied to five jobs in Reno and two in Lake Tahoe.Most of them are jobs that no one else would want, so I'm sure something will come through.Probably by this time tomorrow, I'll be back to my old life, setting up a place in a budget motel room and getting ready for another first day on the job.I’ve had so many.
I get dressed and carry my shoes as I tiptoe down the stairs, careful not to make a sound.When I get outside, I put my shoes on and take a deep breath.The air at this time of night is delicious.Even in the summer, nights are clean and crisp.I let the air fill my lungs, and then I stare up at the stars.
It’s a sensual experience.The only kind I’m likely to have for a while.
Because I’ve already decided that I won’t get involved with another man for at least one solid year.It’s not that I expect to be over Finn within a year—that would take several lifetimes—but a year will give me time to reset.Get my head clear on what I want for myself.
Maybe I’ll decide to just hang it up.I already know that no man could ever compare to Finn.
I put my hands in my pockets and walk slowly, taking in the stars.Out here, the sky is littered with them, like someone came by and splattered the black universe with tiny drops of white glitter.It’s just one of the many magical things about Yosemite Ranch.
I continue on, happy that I chose a walk over counting sheep.Walking always soothes my brain and stops the noise long enough that I can get a glimpse of the truth.
The truth is, I got ahead of myself with Finn.I let my fantasies take over.I should have kept my feet firmly on the ground, but I let myself fly too high.
I've been stupid.I knew better.And I screwed it up anyway.
For people like me, there are no Yosemite ranches.I mean, look around, Emma.This is a ranch full of mansions.This family has more money than the richest people in the movies.Sure, they're nice, and they’re country people at heart, down-to-earth and welcoming.But that doesn't change the fact that they’rewayout of my league.
It’s as if I wandered into a new country and pretended to speak the language and understand the customs.I really thought that if I believed enough in my own make-believe, I could become one of them.
What a joke.
I’m a joke.
A tear rolls down my cheek, and I sweep it away.I’m sick of crying.At what point am I going to stop?It’s impossible to mourn the loss of something I never had to begin with, right?This whole thing has been just dreams and delusions.
My walk takes me by Finn's house.Like the other homes, his is lit up outside with white lights, making it look like it's Christmastime, even though it's the middle of summer.I can't help myself.I stand for a moment and stare.
