Ever since I took over cooking in this house, she’s been excited to learn.We’ve done the basics like eggs, French toast, waffles and pancakes, and moved on to biscuits, oatmeal, simple pasta recipes, and homemade chicken strips.It took a little convincing to make Finn believe his daughter was old enough to use the stove and the toaster oven, but he came around.
She also likes to help me cook dinner.She’s at the age when she makes more mess than anything, but I know that’ll change with experience and training.For now, I enjoy her company, and I love seeing the joy on her face when she’s in the kitchen with me.
I think Finn enjoys it too, but I’ve noticed he takes care not to hover when Jasmine and I are in the kitchen together.I’m not sure if he wants to give the two of us time to bond, or if he’s cautious about playing too much house, the three of us.
I rub the pot roast with spices, drop it in a hot skillet to sear, then fish out the cooked crispy bacon to drain.
For now, he’s out for a run and to check on the horses.After yesterday, it seems he’s giving me the patience I asked for.I know it wasn’t easy for him to open up to me about Amy and the guilt he’s been carrying all these years—and for no good reason.
It took a lot of courage for Finn to bare his soul like that, to make himself so vulnerable with me.He’s a man who can handle anything and everything.
I loved him even more for trusting me with his pain.
And yet, eventhen, when Finn made it easy for me to balance it out with my own truth, I couldn’t do it.He waited for me to tell him about my life, and I saw the disappointment in his eyes when I asked him to be patient with me.
And this is what him honoring my request feels like—a little awkward.A little distant.
I just can’t tell him about my relationship with violence, how I’ve been on both sides of the equation—victim and offender.I couldn’t tell him about the man whose name I refuse to remember.
How can I?
I turn the roast on all sides and lift it into a roasting pan.
If Finn knows the truth about my past, he’ll never be able to look at me the same way.He’ll pity me.He’ll think I’m damaged.And then he’ll think I’m dangerous.
I can’t let that happen.
For the first time in my life, my heart is filled to the top with something other than dread and regret.I belong.I can give freely without fear of being cut down with abuse in any of its forms.
I finally know who I am and what brings me joy.I find joy in loving and caring for Finn and Jasmine and all the eccentric, lovable personalities in my orbit.My orbit of people.
My people.
If Finn finds out the ugly reality of my past, it’ll all disappear.I will lose Finn and Jasmine and everyone who’s dear to me.And it won’t be because I’m a bad person or because I don’t deserve this kind of happiness.
I know I’m a good person who’s had a lot of bad things happen to her.I absolutely deserve happiness, and I know it now.Because these people taught me that.
I’ll lose Finn because it’s simply too much to ask of him.He’s had enough tragedy and trauma in his life.This is the last thing he needs.
So, I’ll keep my little black backpack zipped up, tucked into a dark corner of the closet, and never take it out again.
If I can manage that, and if Finn will not push, maybe my full heart will not have to break.
I’m not sure where all this is going between Finn and me.He’s never said theL-word, and neither have I.I’ve tried to lie to myself about it, but I really can’t any longer.
IL-wordthe living hell out of Finn MacLaine.And I want it all from him.The whole fairy tale.
That said, he’s still choosing to keep our relationship a secret.I’m not exactly sure why, but I’m trying awfully hard not to let my thoughts veer off into the worst possible direction.That he’s keeping us a secret because I’m the former foster kid/waitress/housekeeper and he’s the crazy-rich former Navy SEAL cowboy tech genius.
On paper, those two people don’t look all that compatible, do they?Maybe I’m his woman for now, but not forever.
I add potatoes, carrots, onion, red wine, beef stock, herbs, and a generous amount of crumbled bacon.Then I slide the roasting pan into the oven and set the timer.
“That’ll take a few hours.”
“Can we make cookies?”Jasmine’s swinging the spoon around like she’s conducting a band.“We have all that cookie dough in the freezer, all the different kinds we made together.Peanut butter.Chocolate chip.Oatmeal raisin.”
I glide my hand over her hair and give her a quick hug.“We’ll start on dessert after your art project.Isn’t that due tomorrow?”
