“Who was at the door Heidi?”
“A mistake. Someone I thought I loved.”
Dr. Wright tossed her pen and pad to the side and sat up. Theresa Wright was a black woman in her forties that remained professional at all times. However, I was beginning to see a different side of her.
She removed her glasses, looked me dead in the eyes, and said, “Alright, it’s time to take a moment and keep it as blunt as possible. Why is it he has the opportunity to come into your world anytime he feels? Remember when you got here years ago, and you first opened up about your situation? You described yourself as broken, tainted, and useless.”
“That’s because I am. He took my womanhood with him. I might as well be buried next to him. I can’t close my eyes without seeing his face. His name echoes throughout my thoughts no matter how much I try and ignore it. And his touch…” I was choked up yet again. It was something about that man’s touch that sent me into a frenzy.
“Say his name Heidi. You not being able to do that is another form of control.”
Shaking my head, I said, “No.”
“Heidi, I see you function well enough to know you’re more than capable of doing it. You’re far from weak and far from useless. Step one is knowing he doesn’t have that kind of power over you. Say his name.” She was stern with her words, and I could tell she was in her big sister bag and not therapist.
Our focus remained locked in on one another’s. I could tell she was trying her hardest to bring me out the darkness. Her tone had changed, and the professional cap was no longer on. She gave a light nod saying,you got this.
Inhaling deeply, I released a sigh before my first attempt in years. “Mi… Mi… Michael.”
That small utter immediately sent my body into formication. My fingers were damn near clawing at my skin to stop the crawling sensation. It was beyond uncomfortable, especially when there was nothing I could do to stop it. Every part of me I glanced at, the weight of him surfaced. That hold was something I couldn’t shake.
“Heidi. Heidi, look at me,” Dr. Wright coached. I wanted to, I really did but the feel of him, weight and all was too real.
“I can feel him. I want him off me. Why won’t?—”
“Stop giving that God awful man so much power,” she said grabbing a hold of my hands and clasping them together. I didn’t even notice she’d risen from her seat. To be honest, this was the first time I ever saw her react so raw. “What did I tell you Heidi?Take control and keep it. If you allow anything or anyone else to have power over you, what use is there for you? There are plenty of puppets in this world. Don’t become one.”
“You don’t understand,” I cried.
“I do… because I was you, except it was my grandfather that broke me. Women are more than how they treat us. Michael Pines was a man that thought he could break you but baby girl you are here and healing. You’re progressing at your own pace but you’re not where you were seven years ago. Seven years he’s been gone and six since you’ve been seeking help. You’re worth more than what he tried to make you believe. Please believe that,” she voiced with tears sitting on the brink of her lids.
Dr. Wright and her smiles was her hiding her truth. You never knew what someone else was going through or been through. Not in a million years would I have thought she was a victim of abuse as well. So much for loving someone and thinking they would never become one of those.
Niggas. For some reason they thought they could do whatever they felt and face no consequences. So many of them got away with their foul actions while others faced karma before the light of day. Michael Pines didn’t make it another hour before Royce had his body drained. You better believe I skipped out on calling the police and called the only man I knew could bring me justice. He never played about me.
“God, I just want to move on from this. Why is it so hard?” I asked snatching a few Kleenex from the end table beside me.
“Because you are a runner, Heidi. You don’t want to deal with it because you’re blaming yourself as well. We know better as women, but we’re moved by love. This is not your fault. Loving someone is a risky thing, but it should never end up in a life or death situation. You’re going to be okay Heidi. We’re about to face this thing head on. Being professional isn’t working anymore,” she stated with a slight laugh.
“I see that. You had me thinking I was talking to my best friend’s mother for a second. I ain’t never seen you this frustrated before,” I said reciprocating her laugh.
“Honestly, I wanted you to know this isn’t the end. Women go through things that men can’t fathom enduring. However, we have a greater village. We’re not supposed to do anything but give out tips and things of such, but this is so much deeper than that. As a black woman, I know how it is to be ignored when speaking. I also know how it is to be sexualized without doing anything out of the norm. Life, it deals us hands we have to make the best of.”
Life could be a bitch for sure.
“What do I do now Dr. Wright? I don’t want to keep coming here using the retreat as a crutch.”
She released a deep sigh and calmly stated, “It’s easier said than done, but it’s time to make sure you’re never defenseless ever again. Enroll in a defense class and become a woman you can love again. Take back your power and defend you as much as everyone else does.”
“Tuh. You’re right about that. It’s way easier said than done,” I said rolling my eyes.
Men were animals so even if I did get on my JLo shit and took lessons, what good would that do. Whatever they wanted, they’d get at any costs. Then again, Mercedees owned a boxing gym and with her as a coach, I could only imagine how much confidence she’d instill. Boxing could also give me a well needed distraction I lacked.
“Heidi, you are a beautiful woman that is allowing her trauma to control her life. This new path you’ve taken trusting God; don’t let it stop. Have faith that everything from this day forward will make you love life again. Faith that you’ll love you and never let anyone else strip that from you. You’re more thana fragile being Heidi. You already said his name, let’s work on loosening this hold he has on you.”
Nodding, I dabbed at the tears that were still streaming then wiped my running nose. I’d given this lady another bucket of tears. It never failed. She was the only one that got this raw side if me outside of Royce and Niyani. It was quite comical seeing me avoid speaking to her knowing she had the tools to cure me. Today she was exactly who I needed her to be.
“I’ll try it Dr. Wright. After all, you’ve been patient as ever with me,” I answered annoyingly.
