Lincoln was still in bed, and the birds were chirping loudly. The day had barely begun, but I had a feeling it would stay that way. My morning prayer was out the way and now I was sipping on a cup of coffee preparing myself for the zoom meeting with Dr. Wright.
A couple days had passed since I saw Velvet and Chat with Angels never left my thoughts. I’d never in my life been so indecisive the way I was now. It was starting to take a toll on me. I knew what my future looked like, but I wasn’t sure on how to go about getting it.
A text came through on my cell, and I had a hunch on who it could be. Niyani was the only one aware of the call. Smiling at the screen, I answered with, “Yes ma’am?”
“Just checking on you before I leave town.”
“Thank you, girl. I’m okay. More nervous than anything. Dr. Wright always makes me feel like I could be stronger than what I am. When I hear her words of advice, it just causes me to overthink. I’m good though. I’m mentally prepared for what she might touch on as well.”
“Are you sure?” she inquired.
“Yup. As a matter of fact, she just sent the link for me to join. I’ll call you later. Be safe boo traveling and tell Qwan to keep his eyes on you. I ain’t playing ‘bout you ever,” I threatened.
“That goes without saying. Trust me. I love you, my heart.”
“Love you too.” The call was disconnected as I pressed join on the call with Dr. Wright. She looked the same as she always did and that fake as smile was on. That was something I didn’t miss in the slightest. “Good morning,” I spoke first.
“Good morning beautiful. How are you this morning?”
“Surprisingly, good. How ‘bout yourself?” I countered.
“He spared me another day, so I’m blessed. I was shocked to see you ask for an appointment. You took a year off from sessions. I figured you’d found a coping mechanism and began healing. Are my assumptions wrong?”
Grabbing up my coffee, I broke eye contact and sipped. She was already hitting the nail on the head. My nerves hadn’t calmed themselves since I pressed join. “You are absolutely correct. I started taking self-defense classes and as well as boxing lessons. I’m gaining that power back slowly but surely.”
“That’s really good. How has that made you feel?”
“Honestly,weakhasn’t crossed my mind. I’m beginning to feel like I can handle me better. Both mentally and physically. However, I don’t think I’m strong enough to be a protector, and I really want to be,” I answered with certainty.
“Okay. Well, let’s address the first part of your response. The fact that you’re no longer classifying yourself as weak is major. That’s a heck of a change from a year ago when you couldn’t even muster up enough strength to love and value yourself.”
“I still don’t, but I’m working to get there. I’m not beating myself up anymore, you know?” I interjected.
Nodding, she smirked at my comment. I didn’t know what she was thinking at the moment, but it felt good to see some type of praise and proudness in her glare. No one had a clue as to how much I wanted to be the woman I was before I was wrecked and damaged.
“I completely understand. I’m proud of you. Second thing, you stated you weren’t strong enough to be a protector. What and who are you striving to protect? It must be a cherishing thing to have you wanting to be better in that area.”
Before I could answer, Lincoln came running around the corner with his stuffed Woody in tow. “Mama Heidi, can I have pancakes?” he questioned excitingly. The second he opened hismouth, I knew there would be no avoiding the question or even mustering up a lie.
“Sure baby boy. Go into the living room and watch some television while I finish up this call. Ten minutes, okay?”
“Yes ma’am.” He took off running leaving me to answer Dr. Wright truthfully.
Turning back to the screen, Dr. Wright had bulging eyes wearing an expression I’d never seen on her. She was indeed shocked and confused like I knew she’d be. I wanted to let her in on the good news in a calmer way, but the cat was out of the bag now, so I had to stand on it.
“He’s who I want to protect. I adopted a six-year-old little boy who knows nothing about family or being loved. Me getting better is more for him than it is for myself. He needs a strong mother… and father in his life. I’m working on both. Aside from myself, I want to get to a place where men are no longer a trigger. I want what I see others have in my circle for Lincoln. Yes, there are great men in my life that will step into that role, but I’m not romantically involved with them. I want my son to be able to see his mother loved and appreciated as well. I’m making these changes for him the way a real woman and mother would. It’s a hell of a struggle reprogramming myself to like men again, but I’m willing to try for Lincoln.”
Dr. Wright sat back in her seat and crossed her legs. I could see her body completely and she had that irritating pen and pad in tow. Like clockwork, she began scribbling on her notebook, and I waited patiently until she was ready to respond. I unloaded and earful, so I knew it was coming.
My prayers consisted of guidance, patience, and understanding. That was for both me and anyone that was a part of my world or wanting to be. Heidi was the one person I was no longer allowing to be stepped on. It was a process, but I planned on succeeding in this and motherhood.
“You are far from a weakling Heidi Mitchell. Your voice carries power, and your words contain more confidence now. I like this for you. Can I ask what made you want to go the adoption route on becoming a mother?”
Nodding, I repositioned myself getting into a more comfortable posture before answering. I’d told Niyani and Royce the truth, so I could do the same with her.
“It was a conversation Ni, and I had one random day about kids. We knew for a fact back then that I wouldn’t be intimate with anyone. I made the decision to adopt. What I didn’t expect was a child already experiencing the real world. I was gunning for a newborn so they could know me and only me. However, I prayed before stepping into that building and was blessed with him. I’m still all he knows as a mother, so I lucked up,” I chimed wearing that same smile that surfaced when talking about my son.
“That’s good to hear. How has he helped you mentally and emotionally? Has he made things worse?”
