Niyani was well aware of the last chat I had with an inmate. Michael’s conversations were never supposed to leavethe letters, but they did, and my life became a pawn. I followed the rules making sure I didn’t give too much, and I still found myself fighting for something that I owned.Mybody should’ve never been claimed by anyone I didn’t approve of.
Men made it so hard for a woman to give herself willingly because of dumb shit like that. Just because you were stronger didn’t mean you could take whatever you wanted. If only they could understand a woman was sweeter, hell, softer when she was offered. Niggas were just ungrateful as fuck as well as entitled.
“For some reason, the members of the church are begging me to join Chat with Angels again. Let them tell it, they’ve changed everything about it to protect us. The thing is, I’m still healing. Have I made progress from where I started? Heck yeah. However, I’m not completely over that situation. Now you trying to throw me back in the lion’s den? Girl.”
Niyani shifted in her seat and gave me that look. I knew what she was asking before she even opened her mouth. “If you’re so head strung on not doing it, why do you seem so stressed behind it?”
And there she goes with the Windex cleaning the smeared glass I hid behind. It never failed.
“Because now I’m thinking about it when I shouldn’t be. I said no twice already Ni.”
“Okay, so don’t do it… Unless you’re thinking on doing this to overcome a fear or something?” she challenged.
“Mama Heidi, can I go play on my iPad now?” Lincoln wanting to go ‘bout his business was perfect timing. I was so unsure on what to do or even say to Ni.
“Yes baby. You’re excused.” He hopped down off my lap and went back to the space he was previously occupying. “You want something to drink? I could use a refresher right now.”
I stood to go make us some drinks and she stopped me dead in my tracks. “Nah, I’m good. What aren’t you telling me Heidi?”
Sitting back down, I released a deep sigh. The truth was, I did want to overcome that feeling of fearing men altogether, especially in a romantic way one day. Velvet mentioning myotherfear was about men and men alone. I avoided everything regarding them and lied to one too many people about the program.
Royce believed while he was in jail I was still doing my part in the program when really, I was shitting bricks anytime it was brought up. Hell, I was triggered by checking the mailbox some days. However, he couldn’t know the real because then he’d move mountains to try and fix it. This wasn’t on him to mend though. I appreciated him always being there and protecting me, but this was something I had to do on my own. I had to trust me, as well as value me again.
“Transparency?”
“I would hope you valued our friendship enough to be that and more. There’s nothing you can tell me that I won’t understand. You know that,” she responded with straight genuineness. I loved Ni so much for that. One of the realest people in my life and I needed that right now.
“Being a mom is great. I enjoy it more than I thought I would. However, I can’t deny the slight jealousy I’ve developed. The other women in my life have men that will go to bat for them and their kids at the drop of a dime. Those kids have father’s that will lay their life on the line without hesitation while Lincoln has me. The woman that’s tarnished and jumps anytime a man gets too close. He doesn’t have that strong structure in his life, and I can’t provide it.”
Niyani changed sofas and wrapped her arms around me. Leave it to her to know when to comfort me. I truly wanted to overcome this fear for Lincoln more than myself. Having apowerful man in his corner and teaching him what it means to be a man was what he needed. Seeing his mama loved and cherished would help shape him into a respectable man. There was only so much I could do, and I if I was being honest, I didn’t want that responsibility to be left to the Atkins men either.
I knew some folk would assume joining a dating app would be easier. Hell, even bumping into a random nigga at the grocery store or bar for a simple conversation would do the trick. The only difference between me and anyone else was I wasn’t mentally prepared for a face to face. I’d just came into the idea of conversing with men again. That one on one would shred my nerves completely. Plain and simple, I wasn’t quite ready.
“I think you should call Dr. Wright. She’s always been that big sister to us even when we refused her help,” she suggested.
Gently pushing her off me, I kissed the back of my teeth and shook my head. We both knew what Theresa Wright was going to say. That lady had everything right to say, and I hated that. Her experience wasn’t like mine, but she been through enough and found herself afterward. I was in the mist of that.
“Heidi, what is it that you want? Heidi, I believe that you’re ready. Heidi, you deserve to be loved.It’s the same thing over and over again,” I complained.
“It is, but she’s also the only one that knows the real us. Call her when you get home and chop it up. I think she’ll give you some good advice.”
“Of course you do. You think that lady can say no wrong. Any who, where you staying and how long are you staying?”
“I was going to get a room at the SkyRise Luxe. I’m only here for three or four days. Qwan has a show here at the Emberdome in two days, so I came ahead of time. After that, it’s to the next city. I kind of like following him around. He really doesn’t give me a choice though,” she said smiling.
I was happy for my friend. She didn’t look for male attention but always received it. If this man saw her worth, who was I to stop him. Niyani deserved everything good, so I trusted her with this. I just hoped she warned Qwan about me. I wasn’t gon’ play with him ‘bout my bitch.
“If he’s stopping through here, why do I have to wait to meet him in Florida?” I questioned.
“Because he’s working right now. When you meet him, I need it to be outside ofPhoenix. Fans get that side of him. I want you to get the real him. He can’t wait to meet you though so please find time to come through,” she begged.
“I will clear my schedule for you. You know that baby boo. Just give me the word and it’s done. Also, I want to officially introduce you to the Atkins before you go.”
Nodding, she fished for her ringing cell out of her purse. Scanning the screen, she threw a finger up, putting our conversation on pause. “Hey baby,” she answered.
Shaking my head, I stood and walked off. Ni could kick it as long as she wanted. She was probably coming home with me afterward to spend time with Lincoln anyway. She cared about anything I did so I knew the routine.
Back at my desk, I shot Dr. Wright a quick text asking if she had a moment to spare. Her response was instant with a time. Seeing that it wouldn’t be until later tonight, I booked an appointment with her another day and went back to work. Niyani was right about her being the only person that knew the real us. We entrusted so much of our trauma to her, I just knew she would be the only one to truly understand the fork in this journey.
