“Oh, sweet child. You are more than capable of giving this boy what he needs. You’re alive and healthy. You have a sane mind, and you’re still putting God first. Baby girl, believe it or not, that’s all you need. You’re doubtful because this is a new lane for you. Are you forgetting that the twins are adopted? Shanice and Sharice are ours and nobody can tell us different. I suffered from miscarriages, but I’m assuming you went this route because of the events that occurred?”
Is it that obvious?
I offered a small nod, and she grabbed my hand. “No one is going to be able to love this boy better than you. God chose you as his mother for a reason. Don’t listen to outsiders or anyone that’s not in your support circle. He’s family now and you’re not alone anymore. If you’re wondering where to start, start with giving him the love your mother never gave you. Each day you wake up with him is another day you chose to be a mother. Ibelieve you can make his life better and vice versa.” First Lady gave me an earful, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Hearing encouragement from Royce and his family was cool, but I knew it was only because they were willing to raise him if I couldn’t. I needed this from an outsider of my everyday life. Pastor Bracken and First Lady were two people I respected a lot. Besides praying every morning for the strength to love this little boy, I needed someone else of faith to assure me I could do.
“Heidi, how many times have you prayed over this situation? Both before and after Lincoln arrived?” Pastor questioned.
“I don’t know. Probably a thousand times over,” I responded.
“And your doubting our father on this? He answered with a child that needs genuineness from his child whose faith has been solid. What’s one thing he doesn’t do Heidi?”
“Make mistakes,” I answered.
“Make mistakes. This little boy is not one, you wanting to be a mother isn’t one, and seeking help isn’t either. I’m glad you came to us. It makes me feel like we’re making a difference in your life grand enough for guidance. We’re always here to help in any way we can. That goes for prayer, company, or even a babysitter. Them twins has given us nothing but granddaughters,” he said chuckling.
His warm response caused me to release a small laugh of my own. I had more than enough support in my life, and I was grateful for it. To have so many people surrounding me with so much positivity should’ve kept me in good graces but I couldn’t help but thinkwhat if I fail. It would be on me. I would be the one suffering from ruining his life.
“Funny thing is, David’s serious about the babysitting part,” First Lady added.
“I can tell,” I chimed. “Thank you so much Pastor Bracken and First Lady for this talk. I’d been battling with myselfever since he officially became mine. I don’t know why I’m so doubtful right now.”
“Because this is new. It’s like a test that you can’t find the answer sheet to. Every single child is different and requires a different kind of love. Learn this boy, take it a day at a time, and give him what you think he needs. He went without a mother for how long?” First Lady inquired.
“Six years. He’s only six. First Lady, this little boy thanked me for being his mommy. That tore me up inside and now I feel like if I don’t ace this thing, he’s going to resent me.”
I was still trying to control my nerves and emotions, but this mother thing wasn’t something I could just turn on and off. He’d slept next to me since I got him. That told me from jump he had abandonment issues.
“You’re the first real mother figure in his life. It’s a lot of pressure but, you got this. You’re one of the sweetest people we know, and you’re God fearing. Continue to pray and he will walk you through this journey. Having doubt means you don’t want to cause this child harm or pain. That’s a good thing. Heidi, get out your head, give this to God, and take it a day at a time. We’re always a call away if you need us,” she assure me.
Nodding, I wiped my runny nose and closed my eyes briefly while she gave me another hug. Lincoln stirred in my lap and positioned him so he could be more comfortable. When I looked up, both Pastor Bracken and First Lady wore a gentle smile. They believed I could do this now it was my turn.
“Thank you, again,” I voiced.
“You’re always welcome. Oh, I wanted to ask you something. I know it’s a little touchy, but I figured I’d see what you thought about it before moving on to another member.” I looked at her with dipped brows and she darted her focus to her husband. He stood, came and gave both me and Lincoln a quick peck onthe forehead, and removed himself from the room. “How’s your mental when it comes to Chat with Angels?”
Hearing her mention the same program that brought me trauma a year ago, would’ve sent me into a nervous breakdown. I’d been working on my mental health in more ways than one though. Did I want conversation from men I didn’t trust? Of course not. I had no interest whatsoever. However, that program was a triggering one and I refused to put myself through that again.
“Whatever you’re going to ask First Lady, it’s a no.”
“I knew you’d say that, but can I please explain on how things has changed with the program?” she pleaded. Releasing a deep breath, I nodded yes out of respect. I truly wanted nothing to do with this program. “Well, first, physical letters are no longer in play. We’ve moved the chats to an app called ChatMate and both angel and inmate will be anonymous. You’re only to be addressed by your screenname. Personal information such as government names, address, anything of such is restricted and will be flagged before the message can be delivered. Although, audio messages are optional in chat and can be pulled at any time for safety. All chats are monitored by a third party as well just like the letters would be at a jailhouse. We’ve put everything into play to keep you girls safe,” she explained.
“I’m glad you made the proper moves to keep them safe. They need better security than what was given. However, First Lady, I won’t be participating. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head out and get him home,” I said standing.
“Of course. Can you at least give it some thought?”
“Sure. I’ll think it over as best as I can. Thank you for the talk. You and Pastor Bracken enjoy the rest of your day and week. We’ll see you again next Sunday.”
“Same to you,” she said walking us to the door.
I bypassed other members in silence until I was out the door and to my car. No one really wanted to check on me for real, they just wanted to know who this child was in my arms. My business was never theirs, yet they tended to it like it was. It pissed me off how nosy a person could be.
No time was wasted pulling out the lot. I enjoyed the word and the talk with my mentors. However, I wasn’t going to be pressured into doing something I didn’t have interest in. I felt the respect leaving the instant she bogarted herself into my space with the same program that caused me years of trauma. I needed a breather and new scenery before snapping. I’d grown from my situation but what in heaven’s name made her think I’d do that again.
Hitting a few buttons on the dash, I called the only person who could make sense of what just happened. He answered immediately. It was quite normal for him honestly.
“What’s up Heidi?”
