“Hockey player on top of me who refuses to let me go.”
“How dare he. Who is this guy? Tell me his name and I’ll go talk to him.”
I roll my eyes and gently push him off, freshening myself up in the bathroom before returning to bed.
“I could get used to this.” Jake smiles, cupping my face in his hand and kissing my forehead before wrapping his arms around me again.
“So could I.” I let out a content sigh. “But I do have to go soon.”
His arms tighten around me. “Mmm I don’t think so.”
“Jake.”
“Ellie.”
“I need you to let me go.”
“No can do.” He shakes his head, burrowing his head in my neck.
“But I have work to do.”
“You can just do it here.”
“I could, but I need my laptop and books…”
“Well why don’t I drive you over to your apartment, grab everything you need, and then I’ll bring us back?” He yawns, making no move to get out of bed.
“Wow. Who would’ve thought you’d be so clingy,” I tease.
He clicks his tongue. “I amnotclingy.”
“You using me as a pillow last night isn't really helping your case, Keeley.”
“I wouldn’t call that clingy. I just wanted to be closer to you. I like being close to you.” His eyes lock with mine, filled with such vulnerability and adoration I would’ve melted to the floor if not for the fact that I was already lying in bed.
“Hmm…I suppose it doesn’t matter where I work as long as I get it done,” I concede. “Head out in 20?”
“That’s more than enough time.” A wild smile forms on hisface as he brings our lips together and I lose myself underneath him.
“I’m going to share my Google calendar with you,” I announce on the drive over to my apartment. “I basically live and die by the Gcal so you’ll know which weeks are particularly rough for me.”
“Sounds good. Do I also get editing privileges?” Jake asks. I freeze in response. “Yup that checks.” He laughs.
“It’s just, if something gets accidentally shifted or deleted it could throw off my whole day, really my whole week.” The thought puts me on edge, and my leg starts to bounce. “I promise I trust you, I just get a lot of anxiety when I feel like I’m losing control, which is why?—”
“Hey, it’s okay I was just joking around.” He reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze. “Didn’t mean to rile you up.”
“Sorry. My anxiety decided to act up for a moment there.”
“Nothing you need to apologize for,” he reassures me.
“Maybe it is something we should talk about, since experiencing anxiety is unavoidable, especially for me. I honestly can’t remember a period of time when I wasn’t constantly swimming in worries and thinking of thousands of ‘what if’ scenarios in my head. Once I got to college and was put on student insurance, I was finally able to get a therapist. She’s been great in helping me realize how my attempts at controlling my anxiety are not very effective. We’re working on thinking more flexibly now, but I still slip back into my old ways of trying too hard to control things. I used to think that because I was so anxious I couldn’t do anything I really enjoyed, which I realize isn’t true. The therapy and medication have helped a lot, but it was definitely a journey getting here. When I wasyounger, it would mainly manifest in physical symptoms like stomachaches. My pediatrician gave me some meds for nausea but when that didn’t help either, my mom just thought I’d get over it eventually.”
Jake draws his eyebrows together. “What do you mean?”
“It’s a bit complicated. I can’t fully blame her because Middle Eastern culture has a stigma surrounding mental health. She definitely experienced depression when my dad left us, but she would never admit it. It’s too taboo. When I was younger, it bothered me that she thought I would just outgrow my anxiety, as if that’s how it works. I can’t say that I’m not still upset with her when she makes insensitive comments, but being in my field has taught me that the stigma for mental health was prevalent not just in my culture, but lots of other cultures. It’s definitely getting better, but we still have work to do. And the older I got the more I forgave my mom, seeing that there was only so much she could have done for me.” I shrug. “It did take me a while to address my own internalized stigma, though, and finally reach out for help. Nicole helped a lot with that.”
“I’m really happy that she was there for you.”
