As soon as my head hit the pillow, I knocked out— a truesign of my exhaustion because usually it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep. Mercifully, I set my alarm before I knocked out or else I’m sure I would have slept until tomorrow morning. When I wake, I feel groggier than ever. This is why I don’t take naps. You always feel worse after. I resort to my lowest point — the expired energy drinks sitting in my fridge. Given my slight caffeine sensitivity, these notoriously fucked up my sleep for a few days. But a girls gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
I’m about to take a sip of a disgustingly sweet beverage when I hear a knock on my door. To my surprise, I am met with the 6’4 hockey player who has been occupying a bit too much of my headspace lately. He smiles wide, and before I know it, I’m wrapped up in his massive arms and being spun around. The movement doesn’t help the dizziness but I don’t want him to let me go. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, relishing the way I fit so perfectly into his embrace and the subtle smell of aftershave that hits my nose.
I bite my lip to hide the smile that threatens to break free. 3 p.m. Jake is much handsier than 6 a.m. Jake. Why the big hug?”
“Because you’re my favorite person.” He shuts the door behind him after he releases me. I head to the living room, back turned to him so he hopefully misses the redness of my cheeks.
“Oh? And what did I do to receive such honor?” I take a seat on the couch, extending out my legs so he can’t sit next to me. I didn’t know if I could trust myself not to do something embarrassing around him, especially now that I likely had a high fever and was addicted to being touched by him.
My attempts at putting distance between us are moot as he takes a seat on the floor beneath me, arm resting on my leg, and shows me his phone screen. It takes me a minute to process what I’m looking at when I see the words “exam”, “Jake Keeley”, and ”B+” on his course portal. I feel the grin take over my whole face. “Holy shit. This is amazing. You did it!” WhenI look up from his phone, his matching smile makes the butterflies in my stomach take flight.
“Wedid it,” he corrects, giving my knee a small squeeze. His hand lingers, giving me another addictive hit.
“I didn’t really do mu—” I’m cut off by the tightening of my throat as I break out into a massive coughing fit, one that feels like I’m choking. Jake’s quick to grab me a bottle of water which I immediately chug, though it does little to really soothe me. I try to thank him, but the coughing just worsens, so I just continue to drink until eventually I can breathe…sort of. “Sorry about that. Must be the expired energy drink.”
Jake gives me an amused look, then shakes his head. “No need to apologize for being sick.”
“I’m not sick,” I protest like a petulant child. Jake raises an eyebrow. “I’m serious. I just drank a Red Bull that expired like 2 years ago and?—"
“That explains the stuffy nose? And the fever?—”
“I donothave a fever.”
“Eliana. You’ve been complaining about how blistering hot it's been in your apartment. I just peaked at the thermostat, and it says 75.”
“No it doesn’t.”
“It’s okay to be sick, you know. Doesn’t mean you're weak or anything.”
“I know that.” In theory. “Just like I know I’m fine. In fact, I’m so fine, I’m going to help Maya run a participant tonight. I should actually start getting ready now or I’ll be late.” I stand up a bit too fast, and immediately lose my footing, tripping over Jake before unceremoniously tumbling towards the floor. He breaks most of my fall, but the fact that I couldn’t even stand without issue was not helping my case.
“Eliana, you need to call out sick.”
“Nope, not happening. I already had to bail on my lab shiftearlier. I can't let Violet down either. It’s the first time she’s had a break in a while.”
“You wouldn’t be letting anyone down. You’re not feeling well.”
“I would be letting Violet down because I’m dependable. That’s what I’m known for. You know how you get people to rely on you? By always being there for them.” I don’t know why I felt the need to lecture him about this. He knew exactly what it meant to have people rely on you.
Jake shifted strategies, realizing there was no way I’d listen to logic. “Either you call out sick now, or I’ll email Violet and tell her how you’re deathly ill and still working. I’m feeling a little spicy and may even call my coach to make sure Violet gets the message.”
What he was doing was sweet. Jake was looking out for me, knowing I wouldn’t do it for myself. Unfortunately, my tendency to define my self-worth by how much work I crammed into a day caused me to snap at this nice man rather than respond with gratitude. “You are the bane of my existence.”
“Noted. But I doubt any parent would want someone coughing and sneezing all over their child. So if that makes you feel any better, you’re really doing them a service by not showing up.”
He was completely right. Why was I so upset at the idea that I was a human and humans got sick? I curse my mortal shell.
“Make the call Eliana. I’m serious,” he warns before typing on his phone.
I step into my room, dialing Violet. She sounded understanding but I still couldn’t stop the barrage of self-deprecating thoughts from flooding into my head.Great job Eliana. Now Violet’s entire night is ruined. All Violet has ever done is supportyou and the one time she asks for help, you let her down. She’s not the first person you’ve disappointed today, either. What were you thinking, showing up sick to the lab? What if you spread whatever’s wrong with you to everyone else? The whole lab is going to have to shut down because you’ve been so careless. And with the lab shut down, we can say goodbye to continuing to make progress on all the studies going on.
Breathe. Just breathe. Anxious thoughts are not accurate thoughts. Catastrophizing and trying to think of all the worst-case scenarios isn’t helping anyone. You’re okay, Violet’s okay, the lab is okay. Everything will be okay. Except in moments when I got stuck in my thought spiral like this, nothing felt okay.
My lungs felt useless, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, and my stomach churned. I sank to my feet and put my head between my knees. I attempt to take deep breaths or think of happier moments, but I swear the world is caving in around me. Before I know it, my body’s shaking while my mind spirals over every mistake I made this week.
“Hey, I ordered some soup for— Oh shit! Are you okay?” Jake kneels in front of me, and I can feel his eyes trying to inspect my face.
“I just need a minute,” I whisper through my tightening jaw.
