Violet’s eyebrows knit together. “Monroe?”
“I invited her to come out this weekend as a surprise for you. I know how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other. She ended up having to leave early for a work emergency.” I shove my hands in my pockets unsure of what to do with them, since she won’t let me touch her. Won’t let me hold her and tell her things will be alright.
“Monroe. I see.” She lets out a breath as she takes a seat on the couch. She isn’t looking all that relieved. Was she hoping I had someone else in here?
“Why do you still seem skeptical about this?”About me.I would never intentionally hurt Violet, the very thought of it makes me feel sick. But in truth, I didn’t know the first thing about being in a relationship. Not to mention the fact that hockey kept me away from home most days. Is that what Violet deserved? A partner who couldn’t be there for her when she needed them most? How long would it be before I let her down or worse, broke her heart?
Through all my stupid and reckless moments, Violet had always been there for me, and here I was asking her to give me parts of herself when I had nothing to offer her. I know nothing about adult relationships and Violet wasn't going to be the girl I practiced on. Talking with Monroe had me in my feelings with no thoughts about how this would actually play out. And in this moment, I regret putting everything on the line. I couldn’t risk losing her completely. Iwouldn’trisk it. I condemn myself to never knowing true happiness again as I say, “Maybe we should put a pause on the whole relationship thing.” The oxygen turns thick and it’s hard to breathe as my words settle over us.
She looks up at me from the couch. “What?”
“I would never intentionally hurt you, and there really wasn’t anyone else here yesterday, but I just don’t know if I’m ready for this. Ready to be in a committed relationship yet.”I don’t know if I’m worthy of you yet. Or if I ever will be.
“Are you serious?” For someone who, moments ago, wasn’t surprised I would sleep with two different girls in the same 24 hours, she sounds incredulous at my stupidity. “You hadn’t thought about that before you asked to fuck me?”
Another kick in the ribs. “I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. I can’t give you more.”
“I don’t even know what to say to that. I don’t know what to say to you right now.” Her eyes close and I lose track of how much time we spend in silence. When she finally looks up at me, her face is void of all emotion. No sadness, no anger, just indifference. That’s my least favorite look thus far. “Well Mase, I think it’s best I cut this trip short and head back home today.”
“You don’t have to leave. We can still explore the city and—” I abandon my attempt to salvage this trip as she brushes past me and starts throwing her belongings back inside her suitcase. She finishes packing in a matter of minutes and calls an Uber to the airport. I insist on helping her carry her bag to the lobby, which leaves us standing in the elevator together; the silence between us is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Violet bolts out of the elevator, with me jogging to keep up behind her. At this moment, scrambling to keep up with her, I wished she had a leash on me. I wished we were tethered, and she couldn’t go without me. I wasn’t strong enough to hold on, I was weak. As I watched her march through the hotel doors, I was overcome with a sense of intense dread. “Violet, wait.”
She turns around to face me, her eyes still emotionless. “What is it, Mason?”
Honest to god, I feel like crying. “Promise me we’re okay. Because I really can’t let you leave without knowing we’re okay. Or that we will be.” Maybe it’s an unfair ask, but Violet and Ihave had our fair share of fights, most of which were sibling-like squabbles, but this felt different. It felt permanent.
She stares at me for what feels like an eternity. Her car approaches as she gives me a tight-lipped smile and mutters, “We’ll be okay, Mason” before turning her back to me, entering the car, and leaving me wondering whether things would ever be the same again.
twenty-two
. . .
Violet
present day
The prosof staying in an apartment with Mason are that it’s significantly nicer and also significantly warmer than my place. The con is being alone with the man who broke my heart. I’m currently failing not to stare at him as he strips off his winter coat and red flannel, to reveal a t-shirt that did very little to hide the tattoo which now covers the entirety of his left arm.
Mason decided to get his first tattoo to celebrate moving to New York and playing his first game with the Rangers. He was adamant he didn’t want something super recognizable, like a city skyline. He opted for an outline of the Catskills mountains in upstate New York, in shades of black and gray that cover his shoulder. The mountain ranges on his bicep have been extended,leading into a series of forest trails and pine trees that cover his entire forearm. The artwork is absolutely stunning.
“The bottom piece is inspired by our trip to Mount Greylock, do you remember it?” Damn, he caught me staring.
“Do you mean the trip where you and your dad convinced the moms, me, and Monroe that the top of the mountain was only a two-mile walk when it was actuallyfive? In the dead of winter, no less.” Monroe and I had clawed our way to the top. The only thing motivating us forward was plotting how we would shove Mason off the mountain as soon as we caught up to him.
“It was 2.5 miles.”
“Yeah one way.”
“Alright fine, we may have overexaggerated how quick of a hike it would be. But it was worth it in the end.”
My final hundred steps to the top were fueled by nothing but rage and spite, but as soon as I stepped onto the peak of the mountain, I felt time stop. From the top, we could see miles and miles of valleys covered in the most beautiful sheet of white snow. The pine trees surrounding us looked straight out of a movie, and it had been one of the most magical things I had ever seen. I was so enamored by the view I couldn’t bring myself to leave, even after the parents and Monroe headed back down to our cabin. I just sat there looking at the horizon. Mason had stayed with me. By the time we headed back down, my anger was forgotten and we filled the hike with our normal banter and jokes. Everything was so much easier back then.
“I got the forearm tattoo a few months after I was forced to retire.” His voice is so raw and vulnerable I can’t help but lock eyes with him. “It was hard for me to really remember a lot of happy memories at the time. Especially since so many of my happy memories were tied to hockey and well…” He lets out a self-deprecating laugh. “Our time sitting on top of that mountain was one happy moment I kept thinking of. So, I decided to get it tattooed as a reminder of better days.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I also could use a reminder of better days, but I couldn’t say that out loud without unraveling in front of him.
“What is it Vi?” He walks over to where I’m sitting in the living room and leans against the loveseat across from me.
I’m picturing a tattoo of my own, scrawled across the sleeve of my arm so I never would forget it — You are good enough, Violet. You are.
