Roxanne is the town’s most notorious hairdresser-slash-gossip-distributor, sporting a wild red lion’s mane and a leopard-print dress.
Dave is the local mechanic—grease-stained hands, permanent scowl.
They’ve been divorced for three years.
They walk onto the stage mid-argument. Dave waves his arms, Roxanne chucks a scarf at his head. Then, halfway across the platform, he grabs her and kisses her with enough heat to make the nuns in the front row clutch their pearls.
The crowd loses its mind.
“Why are they even competing?” I ask, baffled.
“For the money,” Sloane says. “And because they can’t stop sleeping together between arguments. They’re a ticking time bomb.”
Couple #4: BEAUTY & THE LUMBERJACK (Lucy & Lars)
Entrance Music:“Lover”by Taylor Swift
I know Lucy—she’s the girl who works with the florist (Penny, I think?) who sold me those tulips for Sloane.
She looks like a porcelain doll: dark braids, rosy cheeks, tiny frame.
Her partner, Lars, is… a mountain.
Two meters tall, as wide as a four-door wardrobe, with a beard big enough to hide a family of squirrels, and wearing nothing but flannel.
He walks like he’s afraid he’ll break the stage.
She holds onto his pinky finger—his hand is too big for anything else—and looks at him like he personally hung the moon.
A collective“Awwwwww”ripples through the square.
“Christ,” I mutter. “They’re adorable. I feel guilty just thinking about beating them.”
“He builds her custom bookshelves and she weaves flowers into his beard,” Sloane sighs, sounding downright dreamy.
I tighten my grip on her hand.
I don’t know why, but watching her look at them like that makes me want to… build things.
Or grow a beard.
Couple #5: THE OVERACHIEVERS (Brenda & Steve)
Entrance Music:“Simply the Best”by Tina Turner
They’re the official representatives of the local school parents’ committee.
They’re wearing matching sweaters with two hand-stitched Cupid hearts (of course), tight smiles fueled by too much caffeine, and the distinct vibe of people who silently judge your life choices while offering you joy-free cookies.
They walk in perfectly synchronized, waving like royalty.
Brenda is already checking the stage for stains on the red carpet.
“They’re the real villains,” Sloane warns, dead serious. “Insanely competitive. They’ve won the neighborhood décor contest six years in a row by sabotaging their neighbors’ Christmas lights. Never turn your back on them.”
Couple #6: ELM HOLLOW’S “ROYALS” (Tiffany & Brent)
Entrance Music:“Material Girl”by Madonna
