When the Tom Jones beat kicks in, I fully expect two ripped twenty-somethings to burst through the curtain.
Instead… we get Bernie and Esther.
Eighty-five years old. Each.
Married for sixty.
Bernie is wearing a purple velour tracksuit and leaning on a cane bedazzled with Swarovski crystals.
Esther’s perm defies several laws of physics, and her handbag is audibly clinking with butterscotch candies.
They walk out verrry slowly—more or less in time with the music.
Bernie winks at the camera.
“Don’t underestimate them,” Sloane murmurs. “Esther bribed the pie-contest judges three years in a row. They’re ruthless.”
“Is Bernie checking out my ass, or am I hallucinating?”
“You’re not hallucinating. You’re extremely popular with the 80-plus demographic.”
“What?!”
I’m doomed.
Couple #2: THE FIT-FLUENCERS (Chad & Kiki)
Entrance Music:“Physical”by Dua Lipa
These two don’t walk.
They lunge.
Chad is sporting an orange spray tan that gleams under the spotlights and teeth so white they could signal aircraft.
Kiki is squeezed into a neon-pink ski set so tight I’m pretty sure I can see her blood type.
They enter with their phones raised, already livestreaming.
“Hi, followers!” Kiki screeches, ignoring the actual human audience to smile at her screen. “We’re sooo pumped! #SteelGlutes #ProteinLove!”
Chad stops dead center to flex his pecs in sync withlet’s get physical.
The crowd loses it.
“I hate them,” I mutter.
“You’ll hate them more once you see their cardio endurance,” Sloane replies, and I can practicallyseeher calculating ways to dismantle them psychologically.
Couple #3: THE EXPLOSIVE EXES (Roxanne & Dave)
Entrance Music:“Toxic”by Britney Spears
A standing ovation for Mayor Nino.
This music choice? Inspired.
This isthecouple that’s going to blow the ratings through the roof.
