And then she fucking sails out of my room.
For a minute I just look at the closed door because holy hell did that conversation punch me right in the gut.
She’s gone.
And all I fucking feel is relief.
I just brokeup with my girlfriend, and all I want to do is text Jacob.
Did he… is he okay? Did he leave the party? Did he go home with that clueless baseball player he was talking to?
Fuck.
Now I’m spiraling like a goddamn psychotic hurricane of insecurity and regret and I don’t even know where the hell to start.
Fuck. My. Life.
Instead of texting the guy like a normal human, I text Hughie, like the coward I absolutely am.
Griffin: Hey man, did you go to the party tonight?
His response comes almost immediately because Hughie, unlike me, actually functions like a human being.
Hugh: Nope. I stayed in.
I decide to be a fucking lying piece of shit again tonight because honesty is for people who aren’t drowning in half formed feelings and jealousy.
Griffin: Oh, okay. I saw Jacob and wanted to make sure he was home safe. He looked a little tipsy.
He, in fact, did not look tipsy at all. He looked beautiful and turned on and flushed and hard…andfucking shut up brain.
I watch the bubbles pop up and disappear a few times before he finally responds, which means he's thoughtfully processing. Or he’s walking to Jacob’s room to see if he came back to the apartment.
Hugh: He got home about twenty minutes ago.
And of course, the relief is there, but now that fleeting comfort has this ugly little fucking echo ofdid he come home alone or with baseball fuckboy.
I need to know if that baseball dude walked him home. I need to know if he brought him back to the apartment to relieve some tension. I need to know if he’s with someone, or touching someone, or if that stupid kiss meant anything to him at all…like it did to me.
I type before I can stop myself.
Griffin: Oh great. I’m glad his boyfriend got him home safe.
I scrub my eyes and groan because holy fucking hell I sound like a degenerate stalker.
Hugh: What boyfriend?
Hugh: Jake doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Well… fuck. Now I feel like I just outed the guy or something.
I didn’t actuallyouthim, I know he came out to Hugh freshman year and got guarded so hard that anyone even thinking a homophobic thought would’ve been body checked into next week but still.
I feel like a massive douche for even mentioning some random baseball player. It’s not my fucking business and I shouldn’t be out here fucking gossiping with Hugh just to get information about the guy I’m obsessing over.
I backpedal with all the finesse of a man hanging off a cliff.
Griffin: Oh uh…the baseball player he is seeing. Or hanging out with. Probably just friends or something.
