I try to give her a real smile instead of the grimace pulling at my face. She rocks up on her toes and plants a kiss on my cheek before turning and following her parents out the door.
Once the door shuts behind Ella, I round on my mom. “Why would you do that?” I try to keep my voice level, but the panic is hitting a tipping point. It’s tight in my chest, and my throat is closing up.
She blinks at me like she’s confused. “Do what?”
Seriously?
“I was backed into a corner just now,” I shout, my voice breaking harsher than I intend. “Don’t you think if I liked Ella like that, I would’ve asked her out already?”
My mom’s smile falters, just a flicker, but it’s enough to make my stomach twist with shame. I didn’t mean to snap. I just… I can’t keep swallowing everything down all the time.
“Sweetheart, I know you can be shy, so this was just a nudge. I really think you two will have a great time.”
Having a great time is not the issue. Taking a girl on a date implies interest, and I have zero interest in Ella.
“Just give it a chance. You may be surprised,” Dad tosses in unhelpfully.
Unless she magically grows about eight inches and sprouts a penis, then I highly doubt it.
My goal is to never create problems for my parents, so I don’t argue. I just turn and jog up the stairs to my bedroom. Once I’m safe behind my closed door, I let out a frustrated growl.
This is what I get for not being honest with my family.
For years, I’ve thought about telling them I’m gay, but I’ve never tried. It has always felt pointless. I’ve found other guys attractive and could date if I wanted to, but I know they won’t stack up to Cull.
Cullen.
I know it’s a pipe dream, but I’ve always imagined him as my first everything—date, kiss, relationship… sex. And now, one of those firsts is being handed over to someone I have no desire to be with beyond friendship.
Feeling defeated, I head to my dresser and grab my favorite well-worn joggers and an old black t-shirt, slamming the drawers shut in frustration. After changing, I stomp across the hall to the bathroom to do my nightly routine.
I’m too busy angrily shoving things back into their proper places to notice Hadley walk in through the open door.
“What’s with the temper tantrum? You do remember my room is on the other side of that wall, right?”
I look at her through the bathroom mirror. She’s ready for bed in her Barbie pink pajama set, arms crossed over her chest, and leaning on the door frame.
“Mom and Mrs. Amy played matchmaker tonight. Now I’m stuck going on a date with Ella on Thursday.”
“It’s about time. You two are always off laughing in a corner somewhere.” She shrugs. “Besides, you can’t just tap it then never take her on a date. That’s rude.”
I spin around, my eyebrows high on my forehead.
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t act surprised that I know.” She folds her arms tighter. “I smelled her perfume in Cullen’s truck the other night. I flipped out because I thought Culley had someone in there, but after he explained how cozy you and Ella were at the party, it makes more sense.”
I have no idea how to respond. I could do the shitty thing and tell Hadley it wasn’t Ella and me in the truck, but I already decided I’m done interfering in their relationship. And I’m sure as hell not going to admit it was supposed to be a harmless joke. That leaves me with one option—lie again. Just one more lie to keep my ass out of the fire.
“I don’t remember much of that night. I guess Ella and I sat out there talking. The party was too loud, so we went out to the truck. But talking isallwe did.”
She pushes off the door frame and walks over to the sink. “If you and Ella hooked up, you don’t have to keep it a secret.” She nudges my ribs with her elbow. “It’s about time you joined the land of normal teenagers.”
She loads up her toothbrush and gets to work on her nightly routine. I grit out a “noted” through my teeth, then turn and walk out of the bathroom, aggravated beyond belief.
I crawl into bed and do my typical nighttime doom scroll. I click on Cullen’s social media page and browse through his pictures, something I do often when my mind feels too full. Usually, seeing his face brings me a sense of peace, but tonight it just makes me… sad.
Being pushed to go out with Ella only underscores what I’ve been avoiding: I either need to come out or commit to staying in the closet. Either way, I don’t get to have Cullen. Any world where I thought that could happen was a delusion.
