I’m about to collapse. My heart is surely about to explode, and my chest is burning. I snatch my water bottle and gulp all eight ounces in one go.
“He’s a predator, Joan.”
A tickling sensation pricks at my neck, like the legs of a poisonous spider. I shake my head, fighting back tears.
“You don’t know him.”
“A corrupting force,” she continues, her voice stern. “A test from God.”
“Stop it!” I snap, collapsing to my knees. I can’t hold back any longer. I start sobbing, desperate for some kind of safety. Some kind of grace.
“He’s your step-brother, Joan! I raised you better than this,” she goes on, her words boring holes into me like a hot poker. “This isn’t who you are.”
“What do you know about who I am!?” I gnash back, baring my teeth at her.
I’m scorching now. My guts are twisted up inside. If only Momma knew the things I’ve thought, the things I’ve wished, the things I’vedone.
She’d disown me. Maybe she already plans to.
With a heavy sigh, she gets to her feet and places a hand on my head. She’s praying for me, which only makes me want to lash out more.
I want to tell her that this is who I am. That I don’t need saving.
But even as I find the words, my lips will not speak them.
“I know you hate me right now,” Momma says. “But I’m only trying to save you.”
The air in the room feels heavy, like black thunder clouds crushing down on me. The sound of the doorknob turning causes my body to jump, but I can’t even look up as she exits the room. I’m too ashamed.
Once I’m sure she’s gone, I crawl into the bathroom and start to undress. Maybe a bath now would help me calm down. I start the water and close my eyes.
I tried to pray before and failed. But the stakes are higher now, so I try again.
“Oh God, please give me the strength to…to overcome…”
Yet again, my voice falters as thoughts and images of Amon fill my mind. With my eyes closed, I can feel his touch. I can hear his voice.
And that’s not all…
Memories of my recent sins flood through me. The saddle, the way it hummed beneath me…
…Amon calling me a good girl…
…me calling him Daddy…
I reach for my cross and realize I’m not wearing it. Somehow, I must have forgotten to put it on when I came downstairs.
The realization hits me hard; this isn’t just something I can unfeel. Try as I might, I’ll never be able to go back to the girl I was before Amon.
No. I always was that girl. It just took Amon’s instruction for me to fully realize it.
“You’re a sinner.” Those were his first words to me. He saw exactly who I am, and he encouraged it. No—he awakened me.
The sound of raised voices jolts me out of my thoughts, and I quickly race to the door, cracking it open.
Mom is shouting at Amon like she wants to kill him.
This is all my fault. If only I’d been more careful. If I hadn’t let Momma boss me around, Amon wouldn’t be taking the heat for me right now. I have to do something.
