Oh, there’s been some wild confusion here. “Brek, she’s not staying. We’re not together.”
He’s silent for several minutes. “Your dad called you a perfect little family.”
I chuckle, closing my eyes, and turn my face to kiss his head. “She birthed my son, Brek. She’s always going to be family. But we’re not together. We were never together. I brought her home with me because… New York wasn’t safe for her when she couldn’t move around while pregnant like she used to. The plan was always for her to stay long enough to recover from birth, and then she’d go home, and Axl would stay with me.”
“Oh,” he says. “So… she’s…”
“She’s not Mom,” I say gently. “She’s been calling herself my oven. It’s kind of funny.”
“You’re not upset about that? That she doesn’t want to be his mom?”
“As someone who had less than an ideal mother, I’m sure. There’s a common misconception that a child is going to be lacking without a mom and a dad, but that’s bullshit. Children suffer far more when their parents don’t want to be parents and are forced to anyway. They suffer far more when parents are present, but they’re shitty parents. Abusive parents. Drunk parents. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’m confident that I’ll be a much better parent than Lorissa because I want to be, and she adamantly doesn’t want to be.”
Brek kisses my shoulder. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make assumptions.”
“Not your fault. You’re a product of the indoctrination of the world around you.”
“Ouch.”
I grin. I pull my arm free, and Brek sits up to let me move. I bring it under him and pull him close. Brek smiles, settling back into my side again. “I’m sorry you thought something changed with Lorissa and me when Axl was born. I should have told you.”
He sighs. “No. I shouldn’t have let my insecurities get the better of me.”
“I agree. And I’m sorry I didn’t ask before bringing Axl in here. I missed you, and I was so damn tired.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” His fingers gently rub along Axl’s back. “Why was he crying? Is he okay?”
“Seems to be fine. Maybe he just wanted to be held; I don’t know. They’re kind of a mystery for a while.”
Brek huffs. “That sounds a little terrifying.”
“A bit,” I agree. “He’s a relatively easy baby, though I try not to say that too often. But yeah. I try not to read the horrors because I imagine I’ll become kind of obsessive about keeping him alive.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh no. We’re not talking about it. I feel like it’ll be challenging the universe, and I don’t want that energy out there concerning Axl.”
Brek smiles. “Okay.”
“But yes, it’s a little terrifying. I’ve done many things in my life that have been scary, but holding this little person and knowing that I alone am responsible for his health, safety, and happiness? Not just that, but there’s greater responsibility too, right? Like making sure he has a good education, that he doesn’t turn into a shit human being who thinks science isn’t real and believes every bullshit line tyrants and their mindless sheep post online without thinking for himself.”
Brek laughs. “Wow. Tell me how you really feel.”
“Mm,” I agree. “Raising a kid comes with so much more than providing clothes and food. These aren’t things you really think about as you’re dropping thousands of dollars for a bunch of shit that he’s going to outgrow in a month. Most of the shit in his closet and these fancy pieces of furniture,”—I wave at the bassinet—“aren’t going to make it through more than six months of his life before he outgrows them. Kids are money pits.”
He laughs again. This time much louder. It startles Axl, and he whimpers, wiggles. Brek presses his face into my chest. I grin.
A knock on the door has Brek picking his head up. Then he looks at the clock with a frown.
“It’s okay. Just someone from the kitchen bringing me a bottle for Axl.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, the door opens. Mallory smiles when she sees we’re awake. She crosses the room and hands me a bottle.
“Thank you,” I tell her and sit so I can adjust Axl to eat. Mallory brings me the spit cloth from his bassinet before leaving us. “Another case in point,” I say as I convince Axl to wake up to eat. “I have a house full of help. Imagine being an actual single parent without help.”
Brek shakes his head. “No, thanks. Those people are a lot stronger than I am. I think I’d have a breakdown. I can’t take care of myself on a good day.”
“Yeah, I get that. There was a very surreal moment when I was checking out online with a purchase of over $8,000 of baby shit and thinking to myself,what would I do if I were concerned about money?How does the rest of the world afford this shit? I’ve never taken my privilege for granted, and this is my privilege talking, but I’ve never felt it so potently than in that moment when I was buying shit to provide for my child. There are people who don’t make that much in three months! How do they raise kids?”
Brek doesn’t answer, and I remember he also came from a relatively wealthy family. Not a family like mine, where he was treated well, but money wasn’t a concern for him. His family was in the upper class of society.
