He hums in agreement. A minute passes. “I guess I feel a little strange about the casualness. As you pointed out, that’s not what I do. And yet, I don’t hate it. I don’t hate not having the pressure of expectations or wondering if he’s going to be jealous of Honey Bee or… having to think about a future that may or may not exist for us.”
“Now you need to worry about whether he’s going to be jealous of us guys,” I tease.
He grins, though he doesn’t look at me. “It’s weird not worrying about that stuff. But it also takes the pressure off, and I can just enjoy it. And yet, something in my head says I’m wasting my time if I’m not working toward a future with someone I’m in a relationship with. The other side of that coin says I’m not in a relationship and therefore, this is a loophole.”
“Your mind must look like nice, neat rows of file cabinets. I picture you doing one of those fancy kicks to shut the drawer that keeps trying to put you back into that box of finding a housewife.”
Levis laughs.
“I think you need to remind your brain that you’ve lived through a hundred disappointments, and maybe it’s time to enjoy a commitment-less relationship. We don’t even need to call it a relationship. It’s co-workers with benefits. Ohhh. It’s a benefit of working where you do. Like a PTO allotment.”
He laughs again, shaking his head. “A hundred disappointments, huh? Are you calling me a slut?”
“If the condom fits…”
He shoves me, and I grin.
“Thanks. I appreciate this talk. Even if you keep pushing it back to my thing so you don’t have to talk about yours,” he says.
“I’m that transparent, huh?”
“Oh, definitely. But that’s okay. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about everything, but I’m not going to push you to talk when you don’t want to.”
“It’s not a reflection on you,” I assure him. “It’s not a reflection on anyone, really.”
“I know that. We don’t take it that way. Do you know why we always try to get you to talk to us?”
I shake my head. “Because I turn into an asshole when I’m left with too many emotions all on my own?”
He grips my arm again. “No, Brek. Because your parents trained you that emotions are weak, and therefore, you keep them locked up tight.”
“They did?”
“They did.” He squeezes my arm. “Not verbally, but over the years, we’ve come to realize that’s what happened in the way they treated you. How you dismissed anything that had emotions involved unless they were happy ones. The way you disregard your own feelings until they’re so overwhelming that you lash out as a way of hiding them.”
“Oh.” I’m not sure what to say now. I feel like an idiot. Maybe a broken idiot.
“We push you to talk to us because we want you to understand that whatever you’re feeling—not just the good but especially the bad—is fucking valid. You have a right to feel that way, and it doesn’t make you any less of a man because you have feelings. That’s why we always try to talk about feelings, even when it’s awkward as fuck.”
I try to laugh because he’s trying to lighten the mood, but… he’s right. My father’s loud voice rings in my head: ‘Stop being a baby.’ My mom’s scowl echoes it: ‘Why are you acting like such a little girl?’
Good fucking lord, what kind of person have I become? No wonder I was so all over the place when Oakley started seeing Loren. I have all these expectations of me from my parents, and everything I was feeling at the time was in direct opposition.
“Fuck,” I mutter and close my eyes. “You’re a jerk.”
Levis laughs quietly. “I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t realize you were completely unaware of it. I thought you knew on some level.”
“No. I feel stupid now because it’s so damn obvious that’s what’s making me so chaotic all the damn time. I thought I understood myself once I got the aroace thing explained. This is just… different. It has nothing to do with that.”
“And yet… it might. Do a little more reading. Your environment can certainly affect everything about you, including your relationships. Not that I want you to continue to feel in flux.”
I drop my head back and close my eyes. Actually, in a way, it feels as if a weight has been lifted. Sure, now I have all this damn emotional damage to contend with, but holy fuck, Iunderstandwhere all the conflicting turmoil comes from now.
13
VOSS
Not that Ihave much to compare him to, but Axl is a good baby. He doesn’t cry often. He sleeps well. He eats pretty good, too. Dr. Mark says he’s gaining weight like he should be.
