“And personally?”
“Personally, I think we want a reason,” Paisley said. “Maybe we want someone to blame, if only to make it hurt less.” She looked back at me, eyes meeting mine and holding my gaze.
I stared at her across the desk, searching her expression for any underlying emotion that she was so good at hiding. I remembered the taste of her lips on mine the other night, the sweet scent of her perfume, the way her hair tickled my face when we’d kissed.
“Are we still talking about the fire?”
“Maybe,” she said softly, and still, I longed to touch the soft skin of her cheek.
“Listen, Paisley,” I stood from the desk and crossed around it to be closer to her, but she didn’t bother standing to meet me. Her legs were still crossed, long, beautiful legs that I desired to see and feel, to touch. Her hair fell in waves over her shoulders, taunting me, and an excited buzz grew in the pit of my stomach. I kneeled in front of her and reached out to touch her hand, and the mere feel of her skin against mine raised an erection that I couldn’t fight back. God, I was a mess, a mess for her. “About the other night—”
“We’re not talking about the other night,” she said abruptly. “We’re talking about the fire. Right, Cap?”
I ignored her, pretending not to notice as she moved her hand away, avoiding my touch. “What happened with you and Jeremy?”
“Nothing happened,” she said.
“Paisley.”
“What?”
“Is everything okay between the two of you?”
She sighed, a weary expression creeping over her face as she stared at a nick in the wood of my desk, avoiding my gaze. “We’re coworkers, Hansen, and you have a girlfriend. You’re my boss. We’re not friends.”
“We can be both,” I said, but it sounded desperate. What a fucking pussy. I wanted to take her, hold her, ravage her—yet I could barely find the words to speak. If I had it my way, I’d push her down onto my desk and fuck her until neither of us could stand.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Paisley only smiled, but just barely. She pushed my hand off her thigh and stood from the chair, gripping the now-empty cup of coffee she’d brought earlier.
“Figure out what you want,” she said, and her beautiful chestnut eyes met mine with a kind of sadness and devastation that sent a pang of ice through my heart. “Until then, we can’t be both, Hansen. I’m sorry.”
Chapter31
Paisley
Being home was no better than being at work. The loneliness was suffocating. I still did everything I could to ignore Jeremy’s texts and calls. I had no interest in hearing from him, not even for a second. The image of some college student giving my fiancé a blow job in the academic’s office was a scene I didn’t want to hash out or mull over, possibly ever. I didn’t miss him. I didn’t know whether it was anger, betrayal, sadness, or loneliness. But I couldn’t face him. I didn’t want to. Even the stifling loneliness wasn’t enough to make me forgive him.
A bottle of wine kept me company each night I was home; it was better company than Jeremy had ever been. My phone stayed silent for the most part, lighting up occasionally when Jeremy called or when my mother texted me to bury her nose even further into my business. I knew that I’d have to find a roommate without Jeremy’s help in paying rent on the apartment. It was a daunting thought, especially since I didn’t know where to go from there. I didn’t want to be an adult or hurt my head trying to figure things out. I just wanted to sleep, and I wanted to work. Most of all, I wanted to work. It felt like it was all I had to cling to anymore; I’d swear off all relationships and become a workaholic like my father had been. Go to work, come home to drink, sleep, and repeat.
Even that was better than this.
Fatigue pulled at me, but I resisted. I couldn’t sleep well. I hadn’t been sleeping well for weeks. The giant king mattress in the bedroom called to me, but I couldn’t face it anymore. Once, it had been a special place for Jeremy and me, where we held each other, made love, and devoted our lives to each other. We’d laughed at each other’s jokes, cuddled, read, and loved one another. Now, it was just a mattress, cold and lonely, with no bodies to occupy it.
I was parked on the couch with a glass of wine and the remote on one of my rare nights off when the news report on the TV in front of me caught my attention.
“A local fire which started last week in the small district of Eagle River has the police department caught up in an ongoing investigation,” the blond-haired anchor lady said. “Inquiries are ongoing, and officers are continuing to appeal for information. The structure in question, a home belonging to one of Eagle River’s very own firefighters, Tanner Rey, is thought to have been started deliberately. There were no reported injuries, but the investigation is still ongoing.”
I cursed under my breath and took another drink of wine. Our suspicions had been correct, at least so far. But who had that kind of vendetta against a guy like Tanner? Besides me, Tanner didn’t seem to have any enemies, and honestly, I couldn’t even say enemy with a straight face. He was one of the guys at work, appreciated and befriended by the rest of the crew. Maybe it was a crazy ex-girlfriend or a scorned lover. Perhaps he was a douche to all women and not just to me; that would give plenty of people motivation for revenge.
My phone lit up from its position on the coffee table, but I had a feeling it wasn’t Jeremy again. Risking my sanity, I picked it up and scrolled through my new text messages. The newest one was from Hansen, and I tried to ignore how my heart leaped in my chest when I saw his name pop up on the screen.
Did u see the report?
I sighed and stared at the words on my phone, wondering if I should respond. The awkward encounter we’d had in the bar’s parking lot hadn’t stopped haunting me since the moment it had happened. I felt like a fool, an idiot, some drunk, blubbering girl who couldn’t keep her scorned hands to herself. And he’d rejected me for a damn good reason. I’d done the same thing to Hansen and Julia as Jeremy had done to me. Truthfully, I was shocked he was still talking to me, let alone working alongside me. The worst part was that I liked it. I enjoyed hearing his voice and seeing his face. He felt…safe. Safe in a way that even Jeremy never had.
Yea,I texted back.I wonder when they’ll know for sure.
He didn’t respond for a while, and disappointment settled in the pit of my stomach. I sipped a little faster on my wine and found myself shaking my foot anxiously. I wanted to talk to him. Ialwayswanted to speak to him. No matter how shitty I felt for coming on to him the other night, the loneliness wasn’t just going to go away. But loneliness wasn’t the only reason I wanted to talk to Hansen; I wasn’t lonely for just anybody. I was lonely for him.
