I shrugged.“No reason to stick around school,” I said, closing my door a little too hard.“Just wanted to come back right away.”
“Long day?”
“Something like that.”
Seth studied me for a moment.Then he tapped the space next to him on the step.“Come sit for a bit.I was just enjoying the weather.”
I raised an eyebrow, wondering what was so good about the weather.It was as dreary as I felt, patches of snow now brown, mixing in with the mud.Brown grass underneath.Everything still cold and wet.
The wood creaked under my weight as I sat beside him, wrapping my arms around myself as a cool breeze swept by.It smelled faintly of rain.
We sat like that for a while, the quiet stretching between us.Across the street, someone’s wind chime clinked faintly in the wind.
“You’ve got that look again,” he said, taking a sip of his drink.
“What look?”
“The one that says you’re pretending not to think about something.”
I tried to smile, but it fell flat.“You should stop being so good at reading people.”
“I don’t read people.Just you.”
The gentleness in his voice tugged at something in my chest.
He didn’t push, not at first.But when I stayed quiet too long, he nudged me with his shoulder.“Want to tell me what’s stuck in your head?”
I hesitated.I couldn’t tell him about Paxon’s opportunity.That wasn’t my news to share.But the fear, the ache, the uncertainty, those were mine.
“It’s nothing,” I said at first, but the words came too fast.I sighed, my voice softer.“Just thinking about college.And after.It feels like everything’s about to change, and I’m not ready for it.I thought I knew the plan, I felt like I knew the plan, but now I’m not sure what the plan is.”I glanced at Seth.“All of it.All the plans.I don’t know anymore.”
Seth turned his head slightly, studying me.“You mean us.”
“All of it,” I said quietly.“Me.You.Bryan, Justin, Toby.And Paxon.”I swallowed hard, tripping over his name as I said it.
The wind picked up again, brushing against my face.My cheeks felt so hot as I talked, my heart thudding hard in my chest.I stared at the dark streetlight across the road.“Like...I know right now you’re all technically my boyfriends.”The word felt strange on my tongue.“Well, most of you, I guess.Even I don’t know what the heck that means anymore.Where I stand with Paxon.Where we all stand.”
I let out a shaky laugh.“And now it just feels like Paxon’s too far out of reach for me, and maybe I should stop being a greedy bitch and just accept that he’s not interested.”
Seth was quiet for a long moment after my word vomit, his thumb tracing the edge of his soda bottle.When he finally spoke, his voice was calm and steady.“You’re not greedy for wanting him, Cadence.”
“It feels like I am.”I didn’t look at him.My eyes were fixed on the house across the street and the lights that leaked through the closed curtains.“Like I’m asking too much of everyone and there isn’t much of a return on the investment, so to speak.”
He made a sound that was half a sigh, half a low laugh.“First off, you’re thinking about this wrong,” he said.“Dating, love relationships...none of that should ever be about investments and returns.If it is, leave it.”
I turned toward him, the ache in my chest only growing heavier.“Then what is it about?Because lately, it just feels like one big math problem I can’t solve.”
After putting his drink on the step between his feet, Seth leaned back on his hands, eyes lifting toward the sky that had begun to turn dusky blue.“It’s about choosing each other,” he said simply.“Even when it’s messy.Even when it doesn’t make sense to anyone else.”
He glanced at me, a faint smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.“Dating multiple people isn’t about being indecisive or a cheater or anything like that.It’s about honesty.About everyone knowing what they’re part of and still deciding that it’s worth it.And that isn’t all on your shoulders to decide.It’s on each individual person.I’m in.One hundred and ten percent in.Paxon...well, he’s figuring his shit out.If he thinks this is worth it for him.The others too.I won’t speak for them, though I’m pretty sure I know their answers.”
His words sank in slowly.I got it because I was in too.The idea of not having them nearby, about not being there to help them when they needed it, scared me.The idea of them disappearing out of my life was enough to make my anxiety spike.I wanted to grab onto all of them and never let them go, even as the other students looked at us weirdly or spread weird rumors.I didn’t care.I just knew I wanted to be with them.I wanted to be there for the good, bad, and ugly.I wanted to hold them when they felt like crying, and they were the first people I thought about when I wanted to cry myself.
I opened my mouth to respond but snapped my mouth shut, trying to find the right words.Nothing felt right to say.Nothing captured the hard rock that twisted in my chest.I blew out a breath and rubbed my hands against my jeans.“It’s hard to believe that when it feels like everyone’s pulling in different directions.”
When Paxon was practically ready to run off to Oregon without telling anyone.
“Then we pull them back,” Seth said softly.“Talk to them.We can’t shut down on each other.That’s the only way this works.”
