I still had no idea when he even found time to do that without my knowledge.
Seth shifted closer to me on the couch, this time brushing a soft kiss against the crook of my neck.
I leaned into it.The warmth of his lips, the way his breath hit my skin, the way his hand slid gently across my thigh.Everything about it was sweet and nice.Calming.I closed my eyes, sinking into the feeling, letting it wrap around me like the blanket we shared.
It felt good.
Safe.
Wanted.
But then the quiet crept in again, louder than before.The movie’s noise faded behind the buzz in my head.Guilt twisted in my stomach.About Paxon.About the rift I could feel forming in the group.About the fact that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing anymore.Though, I was pretty sure I never knew what I was doing in the first place.
All those thoughts hit me hard enough that the part of me that had been enjoying the kissing and the warm, easy snuggling instantly went cold.The intimacy became too much.Not because of him, but because of me.Because my head was still a tangled mess of old fears coming back and haunting me with bad memories.
I tensed, just slightly, but it was enough.
Seth froze.I felt his breath catch against my cheek before he slowly eased back, putting too much distance between us, and yet not enough either.
His voice was barely above a whisper.“Too fast?”
I hesitated, my throat tightening.What I wanted to say was no.That it wasn’t fast enough.That I wanted him pressed against me, wanted his weight, his warmth, his certainty grounding me.I wanted to pretend I wasn’t broken.
But Seth knew me better than I currently did.He watched me carefully, concern and regret lining his face.He pulled a little farther away, giving me space and taking that temptation away with him.The space between us suddenly felt cooler, quieter, an ending that I didn’t want.
Slowly, I pulled back too, curling in on myself like my body could make me disappear.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, eyes on the floor.My face felt hot, and it was impossible to look at Seth.
“Don’t be.”There was no judgment in Seth’s voice, just a quiet understanding.It was enough to help me look back at him.“I just thought...”He ran a hand over his head and glanced away briefly.“I don’t know, that maybe it’d help.”
“It’s not you,” I said quickly, firmly, needing him to believe me.“I swear it’s not you.”
“Then what is it?”
I shook my head.“I can’t...I just don’t know if I can do that right now.”My voice dropped down.“All things considered.”
The silence stretched between us.Seth was aware of what Paxon had done.He was there when Paxon left me a broken mess and helped me through it.He was never not there and that meant everything to me.Seth exhaled through his nose and gave the smallest nod.No pressure.No guilt.Just him being here, like he has been for the last three months.
“I get it,” he finally said.“You don’t need to say anything.But you can if you ever want to talk.”
I gave him a tight smile.“I know how good of a listener you are.”
I knew he wanted me to talk to him more about what had been going on, but it was so hard for me to do it.So instead of talking like I should, I reached for the blanket, tugging it off my lap as I stood.“I think I’m just going to head upstairs.Try to sleep.”
Seth didn’t stop me.He just gave me that small, soft smile that never judged, the one that hurt to look at.He was too good for me, and it made me hate myself all the more.
“Sleep well.”
My chest tightened.“Thanks for...being here.”
“Always.”
I padded up the stairs, past all the smiling faces and family photos.All of them were a dark reminder of how close everyone was together and how I wasn’t a part of that.
The second floor was quiet, my footsteps echoing softly as I slipped into my room.The room was more put together than my own bedroom at my house.Seth made it a point to always add something else to the room to make it more mine.
I closed the door and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor.My chest felt hollow.Once I felt like I was breathing again, I slipped beneath the covers, pulling them tight around me.The hum of the house filled the silence.Bebe softly barked somewhere downstairs.
