Chapter One
The movie should havebeen my focus.
I told myself that when it started.All I needed to do was watch the movie, get lost in its plot, and hold on to that normalness.Everything was normal, as it should be.Seth was beside me, warm and solid, a comfort I found myself reaching out for all too much lately.His arm around my shoulders, blanket draped over both of us.
Two minutes into the movie and nothing about what was running through my mind was normal.I got stuck in my head again.
It was too quiet.That was the problem.Not the volume of the movie, but the emotional quiet.Too much space between explosions and jokes.Too much time for my thoughts to creep in.I tried to fight them off, but thinking has been dangerous for me lately.Thinking led me back to him.
Paxon.
My boyfriend who may be my ex-boyfriend.
His half-existence in my life after he had given me his full existence.
The boy who asked for ‘space’ without the courage to name it for what it really was.
A breakup.
Now I was in this weird, indefinite space where I didn’t know what we were anymore.Friends?Exes?Some murky in between?I thought we’d been solid.I thought we were good.And apparently, I’d been a delusional fool for allowing myself to believe that.
What made it worse was that the uncertainty from us was rippling out.The guys were all close.Lifelong friends, practically brothers.If things with Paxon cracked, where did that leave me?Did I just...fall out of the circle?
I glanced sideways at Seth.
He was watching the screen, one arm lazily looped around me, mouth tilted in that soft, crooked smirk he wore when something amused him.His honey-brown eyes caught the flicker of the screen, golden flecks glowing faintly every time the light hit just right.His skin was a rich, deep brown—warm and smooth.The line of his jaw coated in the kind of stubble that made me want to trace it.
He was broad-shouldered, tall enough that I had to tilt my chin to meet his gaze fully, and he carried himself with this easy, quiet strength.Seth didn’t try to take up space, he just did.In a way that was not suffocating, feeling safe instead.
As if sensing my attention, Seth leaned a little, brushing a stray lock of my brown hair off my face.“You okay?”he asked, voice low, scratchy in a comforting way.
I forced a smile.“I’m fine.”
He didn’t push, but doubt filled his eyes.He shifted slightly, pulling me in closer, and I let him.I let myself press into the side of him, bury my face against his shoulder, feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed deep.
He smelled like grilled spices from the dinner he’d made earlier.There was also a hint of cedarwood lingering from the aftershave he always used.This was the scent of him.The house was always full of it, especially down here in the living room.This place had become more than just a house, it became my safe place.A second home for not just me, but the others too.
It was the only place I didn’t feel like I was about to fall apart.
Life was here.I lived one house down, across the street, and even though I’d been there for over half a year at this point, it still felt too empty.I tried to add life to it, but it didn’t compare to Seth’s home.
He had photos lining the hallway walls, from baby pictures to high school football games, to random snapshots of the boys messing around in the backyard.The kitchen was warm and open, the island counter acting as a central hub where most of our real conversations happened.The second floor held his bedroom and a couple of other rooms, including mine.
It was all right here under my fingertips.I was in it.And yet, it felt like soon, I was going to find myself locked on the other side of the front door.
“You sure you’re okay?”Seth asked again, gently.
I swallowed hard and nodded.
He didn’t believe me.I could tell.But he let it go.
The movie continued, but at this point, I had no idea what was going on.Something action packed, maybe a little funny.But my head was too loud and my chest too tight.
It had been like this ever since Janice went home.
Her presence used to fill the silence, giving me something to focus on.Now that she was gone, along with her fiancé and son, the house was quiet again.I hadn’t had the courage to stay there by myself for very long, not when the quiet felt so crushing.So I’d been staying here.
Seth hadn’t said a word about it, and he never made me feel like a burden.He just showed he cared by buying extra groceries, making sure the bathroom was stocked with tampons, and he even snuck in a couple of times and did my laundry for me.
