I snorted.“That’s what my therapist said.My mom was good at pretending I didn’t exist.I only mattered when Dad wasn’t traveling.She ran so hot and cold that I guess that fucked with me too much.”
I dared to look at Toby.He was stiff next to me, staring in that way that made me feel seen and understood.I shifted in the seat, realizing my butt was nearly numb from the cold.
“I won’t do that to you,” he said.“I never will.”
“Good.”I pretended to glare at him.“And if you do, I’ll shave your hair off in your sleep.”
We both laughed, bumping shoulders.
I softened my voice.“I don’t care if you don’t want to talk about whatever it is that is bothering you.I just need you not to hide from me.I can’t handle that.”
“Cadence.”Toby grabbed my hand and gave it a light tug, forcing me to look at him.He turned slightly so our knees bumped against each other.“Never in a bajillion years will I do that to you.If anything, whenever I’m upset, Ineedto be around people.I need a distraction.And being with you is the best kind of distraction.I’d never run away from you.In fact, I’ll be going in the other direction, gluing myself to you.Which is why tonight, you’re mine and the others didn’t stop me from kidnapping you.”
I swallowed hard.“Okay.”
“As for what’s bothering me, it’s my brother.”
I took in a sharp breath, not expecting him to talk about it, especially here on our date.
“Is he okay?”
“As good as he can be, all things considered.”
“Is that what you were talking to your parents about?”
He nodded and swallowed.“There was an incident at school that set him off.He’s always struggled with depression since he became paraplegic.He was doing good lately, but something happened at his school, embarrassing him.Thank fuck everyone at school supports him, but for him, it was really embarrassing and it’s set him back.”
I grabbed Toby’s hand, squeezing it.
“Mom asked me if I’d be willing to spend some time with him.”Toby shrugged.“I do it every year so it wasn’t a big ask.We were just talking about what to do.I’m going to take him to his hospital for volunteer work.Every year, I go there to bring presents to the kids.”He shrugged again and then glanced at me, swallowing hard.
I wanted to ask him a million and one questions, but it didn’t feel right at the moment either.I pressed my lips together hard.
Toby snorted.“You might as well ask.I know you want to.”
“Is it...is it permanent?”I asked.
“Y-yes.”He grimaced.“We were hopeful when he first got injured, but there was very little change that first year.In spinal injuries, I guess the first six months are when we’d have seen the most improvements.It was devastating when the doctor said there hadn’t been much improvement.Nearly tore our family apart.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.”He shook his head and released a shaky breath.“At least don’t say that.Please.”
“Okay.”I got it.I really did.I had so many people tell me how sorry they were when I was in the hospital and I quickly resented them for it.An apology always felt like it meant they could have changed the outcome, but they didn’t.Like an admission of guilt.
“How are your parents doing?They looked tired when I saw them?”
“That’s been their new look these last few years.It helped when I moved in with Aunt Laura, but the costs to take care of my brother long ago put a strain on my parents.”Toby licked his lips.“It’s all the same stuff.Money issues.Caregiver issues.All of it.It’s pulled them apart, and I think the only reason they’re still even together is because of their love and commitment for Austin.At this point, he’s keeping them together, but even that...I’m not sure how much longer that’s going to last.And if it doesn’t, it’ll kill him.He already feels terrible for the position he put our parents in.It eats at him.If he thinks our parents divorced because of him...”He took in a shuddering breath.I wrapped my arm around him and let him lean against me.His voice sounded so broken as he said, “I’m genuinely terrified for my family’s future.I can’t see how it’s going to turn out at all.”
“You too,” I said.“It’ll kill you too.”
“I at least have Aunt Laura.And I know with her taking care of both me and Justin, that we stretch her thin sometimes and we aren’t even her kids.If anything were to happen to our parents, I have no idea what that means for Austin.I genuinely don’t.”
I wished I knew how to respond to that, but I didn’t know enough, and I didn’t want to give him a half-hearted response.So I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, letting him know I was there.It was all the support I could give him at the moment and I hated that.
Toby seemed happy with my response as he pulled me closer, resting his head against my shoulder.I leaned into him, our heads touching.We sat in comfortable silence, taking in the twinkling lights and the quiet joy of the people around us.
“All right, ready to continue forward.We still have half this place to see.”Toby jumped to his feet and held his hand out to me.I grabbed it and let him pull me into his chest.
