“Hannah…” Tiff starts. “You know I love you?—”
“You’re being an idiot,” my sister interrupts her wife. “You can’t seriously tell me that man does not have feelings for you, or that he doesn’t want whatever is happeningwhereveryou are, to continue at home?”
“I don’t know!” I shriek, my heart cracking. “Of course I don’t want this to end. But what if he does? I’m trying to prepare myself, Julia.”
“Prepare yourself for what? You don’t have to prepare for every possible outcome, Hannah.” Julia lets out an indignant noise.
Irritation blooms in my chest, though I know she’s right. “I can’t help it, Julia. You know this.”
“Yes, I do, but you didn’t see the way that man looked at you that night.I did. I haven’t even been with you in over a month, and I know he will do anything for you. I mean, the man told everyone you were engaged to keep you safe! Who does that? A man who knows who he wants. And that’s you, Hannah,” Julia finishes with a huff.
“I think what your sister is trying to say is, don’t think that because you’re coming home that it has to end. Younever know what will happen, Hannah. Don’t shut down the potential of something because of what you think might happen,” Tiff finishes gently.
“I know, but I can’t help it,” I whisper. Why can’t I be excited about going home? Why do I overthink everything and make things harder for myself and those around me? “I guess it’s good I’m coming home. I need to see my therapist again,” I laugh self-deprecatingly.
There’s silence on the other end of the line.
“That was supposed to be funny,” I state.
“Oh,” Julia murmurs. “I mean, you’re not wrong, though. Seeing your therapist won’t be a bad idea.”
“I know,” I say with a sigh.
“Now, enough of the heavy. Tell me. Did you have sex? Was it amazing?” Julia asks, her voice lighthearted and excited again.
Some of my own happiness returns. “We did.” I smile, my cheeks heating at the memory. “I…”
“Ohh, she’s speechless,” Tiff squeals.
“I don’t even know what else to say. It was amazing.”
“You deserve happiness, Hannah. Now, focus on this feeling. Don’t think about what happens next. Focus on the feelings he gives you right now,” Julia says, as if it’s that easy, but I’ll try. I have to. I don’t want to sabotage this thing we have.
“Wait until you hear this,” I say, laughter bursting from me. I tell them all about last night, how Thomas got jealous of Fletcher, and how he fucked me hard against the truck bed. Then, I tell them all about how Ron and Dottie heard us, or rather, me, and pretended we were coyotes they’d heard.
Ten minutes later, we’re all laughing, making plans toall get together when I get home. Dinner with my sisters and grandma. It will be so nice to be home.
We hang up, and I’m left feeling relieved. A tip-tapping of footsteps come up behind me as I turn off the phone. I turn in the swing, expecting it to be Arson, but shriek when a large beak is staring me in the face.
“Jesus, Dave!” I clutch my palm to my chest. He leans down, resting his head on my shoulder. I tentatively reach out, brushing my hand over the top of his feathered head. The thumping sound I’ve grown familiar with echoes in my chest.
More footsteps approach, this time accompanied with a bark. “Arson, I’m fine, buddy,” I call. Arson skids to a stop beside me, ready to protect me from this silly bird. Dave skitters back a step, ready to play. Arson tilts his head curiously.
Surprising me, they do a little playful dance around each other. Arson barks playfully, and the emu takes off, Arson chasing after it.
Thomas strides over to me, raising his brow. “Well, it only took five and a half weeks, but they’re friends now.”
“Apparently,” I say with a laugh. I hand over the phone to him, and he puts it in the pocket of his shorts. “How are you?”
I take a long breath. “I’m okay, I think. How are you?”
He shrugs, sitting on his swing. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m so ready to go home. Really, I am, but at the same time, I love being here, the two of us.”
“Me too.”
“I don’t want things to change,” he says. “But, like I said earlier, we will have to find our new normal.”
I nod, thinking about all the things I’m goingto miss when we get home. Sleeping in my own bed will be nice, but he won’t be there to hold me as I fall asleep, or when I wake up in the middle of the night with a nightmare. I won’t wake up in his arms, or hear him say “Good morning, freckles” every morning. No more lazy Saturday afternoons on the couch, or dinners with Dottie and Ron. How is it possible that I’ve gotten so used to this new routine in such a short period of time? And how can we find a new rhythm at home when we are both so used to being together in our own little bubble?
