The coroner and our precinct’s primary forensics medical examiner held a conversation in hushed whispers, probably trying to come to terms with the gruesome job ahead of them.
“This is not the sort of evidence collection any of us wants to participate in,” I informed Alec. He, as the new gopher of the precinct, held three cameras, and someone had given him the basic rundown on their use. With an admirably neutral expression, he photographed the body and the poor fish.
“Chief Quinn really wasn’t joking about this one. It is death by goldfish. And to think I thought I had seen everything when I’d gotten up this morning.”
“I would say it’s nice that you can be surprised still, but it’s really not. What did those poor goldfish do to anyone?” I sighed and shook my head. “If the doctors in the corner could come join us, we might get out here sometime this week.”
Dr. Harrins, the poor bastard who would be extracting goldfish carcasses from the corpse, eyed the body before shrugging and strolling over. “If you could have your forensics people come up with a better strategy for the fish, I might be able to have an autopsy done sooner than later.”
Wait. He needed abetterstrategy for the fish? I scratched my head and regarded the corpse with a frown. “Is there a reason you can’t just pull them out?”
“We aren’t sure what species of goldfish this is. Goldfish do not usually have pronounced spines like this. We don’t know if we’re dealing with an endangered species of fish or not.”
The instant the word ‘endangered’ left his mouth, I realized I’d been tricked and given a hell case. “The fish are already dead. Just don’t damage them when you remove them until you get an identification on the species. If they’re endangered, offer the scientists some of the bodies for study. Isn’t that how this should work?”
“The fish themselves might have contributed to his death,” the coroner replied.
“Well, that seems likely, as the victim obviously has been impaled with numerous goldfish. At the very minimum, it appears he choked on a few. Call somebody who knows about fish and find out if the fish are venomous or poisonous. Both may apply.” I bit my lip so I wouldn’t laugh at the reality of the fish possibly being both venomous and poisonous. “From your initial look at the body, does it appear as though the fish bit him?”
“Considering we had to remove several fish from his genitalia to move the body without damaging the corpse further, yes.”
Oh. Oh my. My eyes widened. “I see. In this case, I’m grateful I haven’t seen.”
“There are pictures,” Dr. Harrins promised.
Wonderful. Not only would I have to get a close-up look at the corpse with a bunch of poor fish still sticking out of him, I would have to look upon the body in its original state, with even more fish. “I’m assuming I’m going to get a complete look at our victim, including toxins?”
“The first thing we did was grab a blood sample and send it off to the lab for the initial toxicity report,” Dr. Harrins promised. “Then we removed some of the fish making it difficult for us to handle the body.”
“Such as the ones attached to his genitalia?” I asked.
“There were two sturgeon. They were attached to his nipples. The sturgeon survived their experience and are currently being held for questioning. They’re definitely endangered, but we got them in the appropriate water in time. The aquarium helped with that.”
No matter what, I couldn’t afford to laugh at the thought of fish titty tassels on the victim. I had no idea how I would question a pair of traumatized fish, but I would cross that bridge when I got to it. In the meantime, I would concentrate on maintaining my professionalism. I cleared my throat, circled the body, and questioned everything about my life. Would staying at my old precinct have spared me from beholding the horrors of death by goldfish? Well, fish, as it hadn’t just been goldfish responsible for the man’s death.
I would wonder about that for a long time. I drew in several deep and calming breaths before I asked, “Where was our victim found?”
“Fortunately for the sturgeon in question, in a bathtub, which was filled with river water.”
That explained a few things. “But why didn’t the fish let him go? Or swim away?”
“Magic. They were, well, stuck. It took a practitioner trick to remove them, and they were the only fish survivors of the incident. They did not contribute to his death, as the species in question is neither venomous nor poisonous.” Dr. Harrins winced and pointed at the victim’s mouth. “We’re still trying to figure out how to unravel the magic holding those fish in place. After we remove the magic holding them in place, we’ll be able to surgically remove the remaining deceased aquatics.”
Poor fish. “Okay. Contact the CDC regarding the fish removal, tell them the case involves at least two fish of an endangered species, and encourage them to offer help getting that magic off the body so we can get an autopsy report.” According to Samuel’s commentary, we already had an identification of the corpse and access to his financials, which would simplify matters for me. “I’ll leave you gentleman to your job, as us hovering isn’t going to help you with the extraction of evidence.”
Dr. Harrins cracked, bowed his head, and snorted a laugh. “You said that with a straight face, McMarin.”
“I work with Chief Bailey Quinn, Harrins. If you want to crack my professionalism, you’re going to have to work harder at it than that.” At least once a week, the cindercorn went out of her way trying to get me to break and dissolve into helpless laughter, but thus far, I had contained my mirth until back in the safety of my office.
One day, she would break me, but I intended to hold out for as long as possible.
The sturgeon titty tassels might be the event to break me, but I would do my best to restrain myself until in the questionable privacy of my office.
“Right. You’re her rider. I keep forgetting that—and I keep forgetting to give you the condolence card I picked up a few weeks back. I saw it, and it was perfect.”
I allowed myself a smile at the thought of the coroner getting me a card. “I appreciate the thought. I’ve been dodging the CDC testing they want me to do, but I’ve been told it’s coming, like it or not. A card is appreciated at this stage.”
“I bet it is. I’ll call the CDC and play the endangered species card, and I’ll give you a ring as soon as I have any concrete evidence for you. I wish I could give you a solid cause of death right now, but I honestly don’t know if he was dead before the fish became involved. I won’t be able to find out until we are able to remove them.”
