“Anyways,” mom begins, drawing out her ‘s’ until my attention is focused on her again. “This is Abigail! Saint’s girlfriend. She’ll be joining us at the farmers market today.”
A red head steps out from behind Saint with a glowing smile spread from ear to ear. Her excitement borders on uneasiness as she reaches out to shake my hand. I take hers in mine, attempting to mimic some of the happiness that oozes out of her. “It’s so great to finally meet you, Nova!”
“You too,” I respond, taking in her appearance. A light pink flannel hugs tightly to her curves and is paired with a pair of ripped mom jeans. She looks like every Starbucks employer's wet dream.A stark contrast to the gloomy cloud of a man next to her.“So what’s this about the farmer’s market, mom?” I question, taking the extra second to position myself away from the walking ray of sunshine.
“Oh, you’re going to love it!” She exclaims, reaching out to rub down my arm.
Play Plastic Jesus by Tia Blake
Thirty minutes later, I find myself sitting in the passenger seat with the windows down and the summer sun beating down onto my skin. Thankfully after a mild panic attack, I was able to find my jeans before my mom dragged me out of the house in my pajamas.
The first fifteen minutes of the drive were full of Abigail and Mom sharing their excitement over supporting the local businesses. Each taking turns telling me about which stalls to get deals at and which ones to avoid.
“Ms. Ruby’s jam is to die for!” Abby, as Mom calls her, had squealed. She had sat in the middle of the back row and kept leaning forward in order to chat with us. “But stay away from the Bread Co. They’re an MLM scheme waiting to happen.”
If I was being honest with myself, her kindness was growing on me. Like a fungus someone can’t get rid of. I guess there’s worse things a human can be than overly sweet.
From what I was able to gather from their constant chatter, Saint had started working with dad in construction soon after graduation. His mother had fallen sick, so he stayed behind in order to take care of her. The idea of him being all alone in that house, freshly eighteen, unsettles something deep inside me. He had never been one to really take charge, and I couldn’t picture the geek from high school having to grow up so quickly to take care of his only family member.
At some point in the last year, his mother had passed and that’s when he and Abigail took the leap and moved in together. Their relationship still seems super fresh, one still stuck in the honeymoon phase. It’s evident in the way she still blushes whenever his name is brought up.
“Just in time!” My mother squeals as she pulls into the parking lot. Around us, cars quickly file in, taking up each parking spot.I slide out the car, taking extra precaution not to hit the vehicle parked slightly too close to the line next to us. Abigail matches my movements and heads towards the front of the car, turning and waiting for me with her hand stuck out as if we’re best friends and this is just another day for us. Hesitation slides over me before I’m able to shake it off and grab her hand. The world has never granted me friendliness without something in return. And every moment spent with her feels like a moment closer to the catch.
“Are there any specific stalls you want to check out, Nova?” Abby asks, tugging me along the sidewalk towards the main entrance. I attempt to glance past the crowd in front of us, glimpses of colorful fabrics and stacks of vegetables peak through the bodies.
“Not that I can think of,” I finally respond, giving up on the search for something that piques my interest.
“That’s okay! We’ll just check out everything.”
It’s then I finally begin to let my guard down. A smile tugs at my lips at the childlike excitement radiating off of her.Maybe I can let someone in. Maybe I can have a friend.That word feels foreign as it enters my mind. The idea of dragging someone else into the disaster that is me has always felt more like an attack than a way to show I care. Being isolated has always been the way to keep others safe. It’s why I never let anyone in throughout college, and kept to myself at every job I’ve held. I never wanted to be a weapon, but I didn’t know to be anything different.
I bite down on the inside of my cheek, drawing blood in an attempt to get my mind focused again. The wasteland of thoughts is far too easy to get lost in. She tugs my hand, dragging me towards the left, seemingly unaware of how absent I just was.Thank God.
“Hey Jackson! Remember Nova?” She exclaims, pulling me right up to the front of a clothing booth.
I stare up at the blue haired man on the other side of the table, racking through my mind trying to remember a “Jackson.” My eyebrows scrunch together as I mentally trace his facial features, something about them feeling so familiar. “Oh my god, J-”
“Jackson,” he cuts me off with a smile, one I return instantly. I hadn’t seen him since the beginning of his transition, way before he had settled on a name. Keeping the first letter is something I’m sure made his parents ecstatic. He had been teased throughout middle school, kids calling his family the off brand Kardashians. June and Jeff; his parents, Janine; his older sister, and nowJackson.The baby of the family. I had always thought it was cute, and looking back now I wish I would’ve stuck up for him a bit more. We were never close, but he was friends with Saint, and by proxy was always kind to me.
I spend a moment taking him in. His olive complexion, deepened by the summer sun, pairs nicely with his dark brown almond shaped eyes. His light blue hair falls to his collarbones, the color almost perfectly matching the baggy t-shirt he’s got on. Patchwork tattoos work their way down his scrawny arms, and to finish off the look, chipped black nail polish decorates his digits. He looks so comfortable in his own skin, so proud of his journey.
“You look so grown up!” I exclaim.
He gives me a gravelly laugh before returning with, “so do you, Nova. Almost like it’s been a few years or something.”
His words don’t come out as an attack, no form of malice laces the syllables. Yet, it still hits something in me. The little voice in my head that's been telling me I should’ve stayed. It’s not like things were any better when I left. I shake off the uneasiness before Abby jumps into the conversation. “Well, we better get going! Mrs. Harper will be waiting for us!”
She quickly heads around the table, pulling Jackson in for a hug. He squeezes her before telling her, “tell Saint we’re still on for tonight.”
As we continue to make our way through the crowd of locals the voice continues to get louder, sucking the joy I was finally beginning to feel out of me. The hustle and bustle of consumers and happy farmers no longer brings up my mood, now it’s just a sore reminder of how alone I am. I’ll never be friends with Abigail. I’mno good.Not for her, for Jackson or Saint, for my mother; I’m nothing but a train wreck. I wasn’t supposed to be here. And I had tried,really tried, to escape. To no longer be a burden to the world.
My eyes wander around the area, taking in the people. To my left a young boy plays with his sister as their mother scans the items in front of her. Their giggles grow louder the closer we get, filling the air with delight. Next to them, an older couple who stay hand in hand finish checking out. Their bag gets loaded with an assortment of local honey and the cheeky grin on the husband's face hints at how lucky he feels. Envy grows in me, watching them. What would it feel like to belong? To be someone's first priority? Would it make the guilt of existence lessen?
“There you girls are!” My mother’s voice sounds from behind us. “You have to try these peaches!” Without giving either of us a second to respond, she digs through her brown paper bag and retrieves two peaches. The light pink colored orb looks so delicate in her hand. I watch as Abby takes them from her and offers me one. Taking it in my hand I rub my thumb across the fuzzy coating. Not a bruise in sight, these really do look like the perfect peaches.
“I haven’t had a peach since before I left,” I blurt out before I can even process what I'm saying.
Through full cheeks Abby responds “Oh my god Nova! You have to try it.”
