“It’s no big deal Dad,” I huff out, regretting my choice to speak up at all. If things go south, this could become a very long night.
“It meant enough for you to say it once,” he starts, setting the now empty cup down with enough force to prove his point. “So say it again.”
“For God’s sake, Dad,” I start, dropping my cards down onto the table. “It’s just a game. It’s just a fucking game, and it’s my first night home.”
“Don’t bring that up, you’re the one that never chose to visit.” He leans back on the couch and with an abrupt laugh continues on. “Spent so much time at that fancy art school of yours, you forgot how to respect your elders.”
I laugh back, unable to control the words that bubble out of me. “I didn’t visit? Did you forget I was homeless for nearly a year because of you?” The words get louder the more they spill from my mouth. “Did you forget that you beat your baby girl before telling her to never come back? Did you lose the memory of telling me I would be better off dead before becoming a daughter you couldn’t be proud of?”
I stand up, glaring down at him. “You must have forgot about your only child downing a bottle of pills, all so she could escape the fucking memory ofyou.”
With a malicious snarl overtaking his face, he pushes himself up from the couch. The weight of his body pushes into the coffeetable, shifting the cards around until they are sliding over the slick surface.
A gasp escapes my mother as she stares at me with shock. Her jaw hangs open but the rest of her stays rooted in place. Dad shoots his fist forward, directing the blow towards my face. I brace for impact, flinching as my mind prepares for the sting. His hand stops centimeters from my face, his body heat radiating off of him. I let out a shaky breath, looking back up to him. He stands above me with a shit eating grin sprawled across his mug. “You might not like me, Nova,” he begins, although my name comes out slurred. “But you will always love me. Isn’t that right?”
My eyes begin to burn as the first few tears begin to make their appearance. He’s right. Even after everything, there is still a little girl inside me who yearns for the man he used to be. The one who just wants her Daddy back.
“That’s why you’re home. You’re resilient, babygirl,” he slowly sits back down, “if you didn’t want to be here you wouldn’t be.”
“I-I,” I stutter out before taking a moment to slow my breathing. Embarrassment at his words coats my cheeks in a dim shade of red. “I’m going to go to bed. It’s been a long day.”
“Baby…” Mom’s voice attempts to break through the fog as I stand up on shaky legs.
“It’s alright Mama, I’m tired.”
I don’t dare turn back as I head down the hall. I know if I do I will see the monster staring back at me.
The morning birds chirping outside draw me from my sleep. A soft light filters through my room as I wipe what remains of the night from my eyes. For the first few moments, the nostalgia holds me in a comforting embrace. The old pillows hold my head perfectly, showing off their years of being worn down to fit me just right. All the old drawings that adorn the wall look as if they’re on display when the sunlight hits them just right. I shuffle my feet together under the blanket, relishing in the softness of my comforter. I would spend days rotting away in here if I could. The joy of being surrounded by so many things that used to mean so much to me is far too tempting.
Slowly I drag myself out of bed, placing my feet one by one onto the floor. The air around me feels heavy, pushing down on me in an attempt to drag me back into bed. Knowing what waits for me outside of this room surely doesn’t help.
I roll my neck, letting my blonde locks sway in front of my face. Today will be like any other. It will be like last night didn’t happen. It’s always this way, a night full of sins erased by themorning sun.
Stretching my limbs, I make my way out of the room and follow the sound of my mother’s voice. There’s a cheerfulness to her tone that holds me in the hallway as I listen. “You’ll just love Nova,” her voice sings out with excitement. “She’s about your age as well.”
The light laughter of another woman fills the air before her voice hits my ear drums. “After everything you’ve told me, I can guarantee I’ll love her.”
I hold my breath as I look down at the ragged pajamas clinging to my body. The old and stained fabric embarrasses me now that I know there’s others here. Quietly, I slide back down the hallway until I’m tucked back into the safety of the bedroom. My eyes dart back and forth, looking for my suitcase, before I finally see the black plastic poking out from underneath the comforter that is now piled onto one side of the bed.
The zipper slides open with ease and I begin to dig through the half haphazardly packed clothing. Shirts of all different colors go flying behind me as I search for a pair of pants.No no no.I think to myself as the bottom of the case comes into view.Are you kidding me, Nova?I berate myself. Nothing quite like a packing job when you’re coming off of sedatives.
I jump back up, immediately beginning the search for the jeans I wore yesterday. In an instant all the memorabilia around the room becomes nothing but clutter, disguising the one thing I’m desperate to find.
“Nova!” My moms voice filters in from underneath the door. “Baby are you up?”
I look back down at the rags I’m wearing before responding. “Yeah, I’ll be out in a moment.” Without another glance at myself, I accept my fate and make my way down the hall once more. At least now I have an excuse to leave home today.
Taking one last breath, I finally step into view of the front door. My mother stands in front of me with a sundress decorating her body. Her flowing hair is pulled tightly into a bun today, leaving me feeling even more of a mess than I did just two seconds ago. I don’t even have time to explain why I look so disheveled before she’s stepping to the side and allowing our guests to view me.
“You remember Saint, don’t you?” She questions, motioning her hands to point to the giant who’s taking over our door frame. My heart completely freezes up as my eyes trail up his body to meet his bright blue eyes. They’re a stark contrast against the inky black hair that lays sporadically on the top of his head.
“Saint?” I question, a mix of bewilderment and insecurity racing in my mind. My arms cross over my chest, trying to hide what I can of my outfit as I continue to stare at him. It’s no use however, his stare feels as though it’s burning straight through my arms, bones and all.
“Saint Kennedy!” My mom laughs out, although I fear I may be the punch line this time. I finally break my stare and turn my gaze towards her. Her loving smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes like it did yesterday. A sore reminder of how the night went. “He was your best friend and our neighbor! Or at least was before he met Abigail.” She punctuates her sentence with a knowing grin towards the man next to her.
“No fucking way,” I respond, letting my arms drop as I take him in again. Saint Kennedy, he was top of the class, president of the robotics club, and my only actual friend. After I left we never once spoke, I had been so wrapped up in trying to survive I hadn’t even noticed.There’s no way that is the same man in front of me now.
“Language, Nova.” Another voice calls out from behind Saint. He steps to the side allowing room for Dad to enter the house. Sweat drips off of him as he steps out of the sun and towardsmy mother, pulling her in to kiss her cheek. Without another word, he walks past me and into the kitchen. My eyes stay glued to him as he opens the fridge and pulls out a half empty water bottle. Although I’m unsure if I’m watching him out of fear of any repercussions that might come from speaking up last night or if it’s to avoid the long lost friend in front of me.
