I caught her just as she dropped. She looked up at me, surprised and then she shrunk back right before I set her on her feet.
“Hey.” I caught her by the hand and pulled her against my chest. Her almond-shaped eyes, which were normally twocupid-arrows, harpooning me and pulling me in, turned to fire. “I’m sorry I acted like?—”
“A total jerk?” Her voice shook.
“Yes. Chris, I’m so sorry.” I rubbed my thumb over her knuckles and squeezed my eyes shut for a split second. When she didn’t move, I slid a hand around her waist and pulled her against me, breathing her in. I needed that honey-scented shampoo to fill my nostrils, and when it did, peace filled my chest. And for once I let it stay.
But just as I was about to square her hips with mine, she stepped out of my arms, her brow puckering. “No. I meant what I said. I’m done. No more yanking me around like a yo-yo. I need a very long break from men.” She shook her head, lips pursed like she was puzzling something out in her mind. “The ones I keep picking are always in love with somebody else.”
My entire body tensed. “I’m not in love with somebody else. What are you talking about?” Didn’t she know she was the first woman I’d loved in…forever?
She crossed her arms, lips twisted. “I’m pretty sure you are.”
My mind was blown and my ribcage felt like it was being cranked in a vice. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t you mean,who?” She stepped up and put a hand on my arm, eyes boring into me. “Savannah, Holden.”
I stiffened, feeling like someone had ripped all my clothes off with a hard yank. Completely exposed. “How do you know about her?”
She stared at me for two uncomfortable seconds, but I already knew. Silas and Lemon. Her hand moved over and pressed against the center of my chest. “The question is, why didn’tyoutell me about her?”
I blinked, no words, my heart crawling into my throat.
She held my gaze. “You’re in love with her still. And that’sokay. But don’t you think Ideserve someone who loves me more than anyone else? Someone who isn’t always keeping me at arm’s length because their heart is already taken?”
I opened my mouth but I couldn’t talk.
She balled my shirt in her fist. “I wish someone loved me so much that they would give up an entire decade of relationships just to keep me locked in a vault in the deepest part of their heart.” Her hands flew out. “Or never kiss another woman first because if they did, it would be a betrayal of that love.” Her head cocked, her gaze so intense. “I want that.Allof it. And I’m going to get it or I want nothing at all. And if that means that I wait until I’m seventy before I find that kind of love, then that’s what it means. But I’m not settling. Not anymore. Not now that I know what love actually feels like.”
From the first line, her words were a knife, digging deeper and deeper into my chest. But the fact that she now knew real love because of what we’d felt for each other, and I was going to lose her because I’d been such a heel, was the final stab.
Her eyes turned down, full of pity. “Maybe another woman would be okay with sharing your heart. But I’m not. Call it selfish if you want.” She shrugged. “Then I’m selfish.”
She stepped back, a goodbye in her eyes.
The panic of earlier rushed me like a tidal wave.
“Christy.” My hands shot out, cupping the back of her elbows. “I love y?—”
Her fingers pressed to my lips. “No. Don’t. Don’t you dare say that to me right now.”
I knew what she meant. Don’t say it out of desperation. Or manipulation. At that moment, I hated that I’d almost done that. But I did love her. Deliriously. Shouldn’t she know that?
As if she’d read my mind she said, “Actions speak so much louder than words. And yours are deafening.” She squeezedmy biceps and gave me one last look. “You can’t keep us both and you won’t let her go. So this is goodbye, Holden.”
Then she walked over, picked up her keys and her phone, and disappeared down the trail.
And I stood there watching, like a paralyzed mute. Because she was right. She deserved all of that.
And I wasn’t ready to give it to her.
Not yet.
twenty
CHRISTY
I’d worn my arms out over the last two weeks, but I’d finally conquered the rings. Holden had texted me every day, begging my forgiveness. And he’d even offered to skip the competitive heat and run the open heat with me. But I didn’t know if that’s what I wanted. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to run the race. But I wasn’t a quitter. I was raised to see things through.
